Guest Post: My Life with Bipolar 1

It was in the summer of 2017 that my life changed. I went from being this happy, hopeful mom who had no idea what was about to hit her. In that moment, I was enjoying each day with my 2-month-old son and was, somewhat reluctantly, preparing to go back to work as a high school Spanish teacher.

Out of nowhere, with no warning or apparent reason, I started having symptoms of postpartum depression. I began having intrusive thoughts and fears that I wouldn’t dare say out loud, especially not to another person. I was being tormented by my own mind, but couldn’t ask for help for fear of losing my husband and son. Though looking back now, I can obviously say that I shouldn’t have been worried about such things, but in that moment, my fears were real.

I shortly asked for help from family and eventually saw a doctor and counselor who began treating me with postpartum depression and anxiety. It made sense; I had just had a baby. However, this diagnosis was not correct. Over a year and a half later, I was finally diagnosed correctly. I have bipolar disorder, bipolar 1 to be specific.

I’m currently going on almost 2 years of dealing with a mental illness, and the doctors still have not found the right medication for me. I’ve taken medications that make me sick, medications that come with severe risks, and medications that simply don’t work, and here I am in 2019 still trying to find a solution. The issue with bipolar disorder and medication is that there are so many options which practically makes it a guessing game as to which one will work for each person. I’m currently on number seven, but I’m not giving up hope.

Instead I’m focusing on better educating myself and others about life with bipolar, what it is and what it isn’t. The stereotype most people think of when they hear “bipolar” is someone who goes from being happy to sad or angry within minutes or who will react suddenly and change on the spot. That simply is not accurate. Most people with bipolar go through cycles of mania (or hypomania for bipolar 2), depression, and stability, though not all are lucky enough to cycle through stability. These cycles, or episodes, can last anywhere from days to years, but it’s not the minute-by-minute change people make it out to be. I, personally, am considered a rapid cycler, someone who has four or more manic or depressive episodes a year. My norm at this point in life is to experience 2-3 weeks of mania and then 2-3 weeks of depression, though it’s not always that predictable.

So what is the difference between bipolar 1 and 2? This is something I’m still working out myself. You see, for a while, I was convinced I had bipolar 2, but I was recently diagnosed with bipolar 1, which was a huge shock to me! Bipolar is similar to Autism in the fact that it’s a spectrum. Some people are classified as having bipolar 1, some bipolar 2, and some not otherwise specified (NOS). The main difference between 1 and 2 though is the mania. People with bipolar 2 experience a more mild form of mania called hypomania, whereas people with bipolar 1 experience a more severe form of true mania. What made my bipolar 1 diagnosis so shocking to me is that I don’t exemplify some of the typical bipolar 1 symptoms, such as euphoria, excessive spending, or common types of risky behavior. What I’ve come to learn though is I experience dysphoric mania, a type of mania that is mixed with depression, also called a mixed episode. When I am in a state such as this, I experience great depression and irritability alongside extreme energy and urgency to do things, often attempting to solve the problems I am experiencing. This is a particularly dangerous episode to have because it’s a combination of both the mania and depression.

The interesting thing about bipolar is that, when in depression, it makes it seem like I will never get out of it. The same goes for when I am manic; I feel like I could never be depressed again. Like many others with bipolar, I question my diagnosis and often feel like nothing is wrong with me. The seriousness of this is that many with bipolar stop taking their medication and eventually spiral back down to a dangerous place. I, myself, have done this.

What has helped me the most, apart from medication, has been regularly attending weekly counseling and DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) skills classes. Working with my counselor has helped me tremendously to understand what is going on inside of me, how to regulate my feelings, and how to interact better with others. In my opinion, seeing a counselor or therapist is of utmost importance for anyone dealing with a mental illness.

Even though I am still living with bipolar and continue to cycle from one episode to another, I am continuing to fight for a better life and for better mental health awareness for others as well. Even on the worst days, I try to remind myself that there will be good that comes from this illness. I will not let it be in vain; I will not let it win. My story will be used to bring hope and comfort to all who hear it, so that no one will go through this alone.

Bio: Sarah Ramírez, also known as The Mindful Minimalist on her social platforms, is a work-at-home-mom and blogger/YouTuber. She shares about her journey with minimalism, gentle parenting, healthy eating, and mental health.

If you’d like to see more of Sarah’s work, check out her blog and social media platforms here:

Blog: www.sarahthemindfulminimalist.com

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When Silence Speaks More Than Words

  You'll have days that throw you off balance, and make you feel like the ground is being pulled from beneath you. Those days where you wake up and you can feel every ache and pain in your body, but it's not from something that you did physically, but what you feel emotionally. The debilitating pain of something that's grasping at your heart so badly that it makes you feel sick to your stomach.

  It could be from anything. It could've been something that happened yesterday. It could be something that's been happening over a period of time. It could be something that you've tried so hard to lock away, but something just unleashes every memory. Sometimes we wake up remembering events from our past that made us feel so small and vulnerable, that you have to really dig deep to remember that you're valuable and that you mean something. Sometimes we can be overcome with regret because we never got closure from something that made us hurt.

  Sometimes you just let your emotions get the best of you, and you can't figure out what words go together to best describe what you're feeling. Maybe that's because sometimes, there are no words that can describe what you're feeling. Maybe because sometimes sitting in silence and letting the feeling surpass you is the only way you can get through it.

  Sometimes not speaking sets the tone of your feelings in a way words couldn't. Words spoken with emotion carry such weight, that even when the moment has passed, it's something you can't take back. Is it better for us to continue to explain ourselves, and have bigger misunderstandings, than it is for us to sit quietly and reflect on the situation? When one speaks to us, we must listen to understand, not to reply. But when one is quiet, we must sit and try to understand, why that person is at a loss for words.

"Silence saves you from looking like a fool - because if your silence is not enough for people to realize that something is wrong - will your words even matter?" - Rania N.

How do you know when it’s time to fire yourself?

  We’ve all had those jobs that we absolutely hated.  Not because of the job itself, but because of the people, particularly the boss.  There’s a great difference between having a boss and having a leader at work.  A boss will be demanding.  They won’t take the time to understand your point of view or listen to your ideas.  They’ll micromanage you because it’s their way or the high way.

  A leader on the other hand will encourage innovation and ideas to be shared.  They will be there right beside you working hard at the project.  They’ll have your back through the good times and the bad times.  A leader will trust you.  So here are the top six reason that I think cause people to leave their jobs.

When you don’t feel appreciated

  You’re a hard worker.  You always get your projects done on time, and sometimes even sooner.  You give 100% effort each time you complete a task, and you ask for help when you need it.  Despite the effort you put in, you’ve never heard “good job” or even a “thank you”.  Recognition is something that is missing in your work environment, and that’s not okay.  Leaders should make sure you know that your hard work is vital to the team, and that you’re appreciated. 

When your boss is busier managing your tasks than they are their own

  No one likes to be micromanaged.  Possibly one of the worst things a boss can do is continuously critique you while looking over your shoulder at work.  Look Sir, no one likes you breathing on them while they’re at work.  Go do your own work!

Your input gets tossed aside and never used

  There’s always room for improvement in an organization, and it works best when everyone shares their input and comes up with a grand idea.  It’s unfortunate when you work under a boss who doesn’t take the time to try your ideas, let alone listen to you pitch it.  How are you supposed to know whether you’re good at something if you aren’t ever given the chance?  Not to mention if they do use it, and take the credit for it or change it to make it look like they improved your idea.

  Leaders know how to be good followers.  That’s what makes them good leaders.  They know how important the team is, and they know that everyone has something to offer.  In healthcare, to be considered a high reliability organization (HRO), one of the key components is to call in your experts.  You have people who know the job, the subject matter experts, or “SME” if you will. (That’s why Cap’t Hook must have called his first mate SME!)

They speak to you in a condescending tone

  It’s one thing to be firm with your employees to make sure you get your point across.  If you’ve done something wrong, and your boss has to tell you to not do it again, fine.  But he shouldn’t make you feel like you’re a complete dunce while doing so.  Everyone makes mistakes, including them.  Don’t take it personally, just know that there are leaders out there that deserve your work more than that guy.

They don’t provide you with the appropriate training

  Are you new to your job or have you gone up in skill level?  Well, you should be entitled to receive training on whatever their expectations are of you.  If not, then how are you supposed to do your job correctly?  Then you return to the previous point where if you make a mistake, they scold you for it.  Don’t worry, hold that head up.  Other jobs offer you training before getting the promotion, or make it a requirement.  It’s time to start packing up your desk.

They lie to you, and they don’t have your back

  This is the one that gets my gears grinding for sure.  Bosses will say whatever they need to say at the time when they need something from you.  The second that you no longer have anything to offer them, they strip you of their loyalty and turn their back on you.  A leader leads from the front, so if anything were to happen, they’d take the first blow to diffuse it throughout the team so it isn’t as bad.  A leader will stay with you through and through.  Know where your loyalty lies, and know where you’re putting your trust at work.  Not everyone has your success in their best interest. I hope you’re out the door by now.

Free yourself from that negativity

  Is it really worth it to have to go through negative feelings every day?  The longer you stay in a position that mentally, emotionally, and physically drains you isn’t good for your health.  When we say practice self-love, that means all aspects of loving yourself.  It isn’t the easiest to switch positions or find a new job, but you can actively seek out opportunities.  Present it the right way to your boss, and maybe leave with a recommendation.  They at least owe you that.

Things I Love for My Doggies

  I am the type of person that believes my dogs deserve the absolute best.  I treat my dogs like they’re children.  I make sure they’ve got everything they need from clothes (YEP), to toys, to good nutritional food, and to all my love.  I thought I would write a blog on the little knickknacks around the house that make having doggies a little more fun and a little easier to manage.

Bark Box - click - use our referral link!

  Bark Box has never done us wrong.  They always send the cutest toys, and there’s always a theme.  Plus they send the best training treats for our dogs.  I like that it’s a monthly subscription so we know we’re always going to get a new box each month.  Our dogs love their toys.  Oki loves to pull out all of the toys and spread them around the carpet.  Okami loves to take all of those toys and put them in a pile.  It’s rather entertaining if you have the chance to watch it happen. If you use our referral code, a box is donated to a puppy in a shelter! Help us spread the love to our furry companions!

Petcube Bites - click - for the one we have!

  I’ve been wanting a Petcube Bites for the longest time.  It’s a home camera that has two-way communication for you and your pup.  We finally gave in and bought one when we adopted Oki.  They get a little afraid of it because it makes a grinding noise when it tries to throw out treats.  But it puts my mind at ease when I see them sleeping soundly in the living room.  I also can see if they’re tearing the house up!  I have no regrets getting this for the dogs.

Baby Gates - click - for the one we have!

  Before we got Oki, we would let Okami roam the house wherever she wanted.  She’s a clean dog.  She doesn’t pee in the house, she holds herself very well, she doesn’t chew anything up.  Oki on the other hand, is not as potty trained as we’d like him to be.  He also likes to chew on anything that looks like a shoe.  If you know my husband, then you know that is NOT acceptable. So we got a baby gate to keep them in the living room.  Okami is not very fond of it, but she’s gotten used to it.  At least our room isn’t covered in dog fur anymore.

Swivel leash for two - click for the one we have!

  Best purchase for walking the dogs!  We used to walk them on separate leashes, and it was hard to not get tangled up in the leashes.  Oki walks in zigzags, while Okami loves to go around the back of you when going through doors.  The swivel leash lets them go around without tangling you up. Plus it came with a poop holder, so now we don’t have to carry around the bags!

A Special Reminder to Myself

You got this girl. 

Sometimes you feel like the world is against you,

And maybe sometimes it is, but most of the time it isn’t.

The voices in your head tell you what you don’t want to hear,

They tell you you’re not good enough,

That there’s nothing you can do to make things right,

That everything bad that’s happened is your fault.

You are good enough.

You have mended things.

Not everything is your fault.

Your heart hurts day and night,

And longs for people who are no longer here.

But they are;

They’re in your memories, the ones that bring

Tears to your eyes, or a smile to your face.

There’s strength in that.

Not everyone can endure guilt and grief like you have,

And still have enough to want to give love to others,

To care for others, to heal, nurture, and guide others.

Yet here you are, doing exactly that.

It’s okay to be weak, and it’s okay to be vulnerable.

The world will keep spinning even if it’s not on your shoulders.

Remember you always have people that love you,

And will be there to help stand you up.

Today is a rough day.

But you’ve made it through this day, nine years in a row.

There is no time limit on grief, and it comes and goes,

But it never stays for too long.

Don’t let it stay for too long.

You’re too strong for that. So be strong.

He’s looking down on you.

So make him proud of you.

Show him that he taught you how to love hard,

How to love wholeheartedly,

How to love genuinely,

And how to be kind and gentle.

That’s what he would’ve wanted.