What am I even doing...

I reset this blog last year in September, and here I am again, coming in late. I guess it isn’t too bad. It’s been a little under a month since my … last post? I really need to get back into writing. I remember when it used to be my outlet while I was spiraling through life. But then again, I didn’t have too much time to write anyway. After spending the past couple of years in school, I was overwhelmed by homework and lectures. It felt odd to listen to music during my breaks (when my brain would allow it). I felt like I had to be “on” at all times.

I could benefit from going back and listening to lectures, though. I did lose access to my Osmosis subscription, but whatever. At least I know I’m not the only one who isn’t working as an NP right now after graduation. I’m finally closing in on the end of my employment here as an RN, and I am almost as excited as I was when I was getting my DD214.

This clinic almost made me quit the healthcare field. I have never been surrounded by so much negativity, laziness, and foolishness before- and I’ve been in the military, serving alongside 18-year-olds. Luckily, the floor nurses made it bearable. They are the ones who really kept me sane and helped me get through it all. I’m sad I’ll be leaving them. I wish I could bring most of them with me. But it’s time to grow up and be a big girl provider… I guess.

Well, another catch up to do.

It’s crazy that I reactivated this account back in September 2024, but I’m just now getting back into blogging. I guess an entire catch up is overdue.

I’ve moved to Washington and we’ve decided to settle down as a family, for now. We bought a beautiful house on a greenbelt, and foggy mornings with the sun peaking through are becoming one of my favorite things.

Maverick is a rambunctious five year old with all sorts of talent. He’ll talk your ear off if you let him. He’s got the craziest stories and is not afraid to tell a few fibs (and admit to them right after) to keep your attention. He breakdances with Massive Monkees, he just won Most Valuable Bboy at an event, and he won’t stop dancing for anyone.

We have a new dog, her name is Megumi, and she’s an American Akita. She’s crazy, loving, and can be very overprotective. She’s still learning to keep her teeth to herself and tends to pick on our big mama, Okami. We’ll set her straight though…

Sean and I are happily navigating life as we figure out the next steps now that I’ve GRADUATED with my FNP degree and I am officially board certified! Pending any job offers, I am currently trying to maintain my sanity at my current job. I definitely feel like this place has driven me back into dark spaces of my brain, but I refuse to go down without a fight.

I’ll figure my life out eventually. I do miss writing…

It's been awhile...

It’s been a very long time since I’ve written anything. It almost felt like I didn’t need to write anything down and I didn’t need to express what I felt through writing. But I won’t be letting myself go down that route again. I refuse to turn around and lose the progress I’ve made with my mental health. I did not fight my way out of depression through extensive treatments, medication changes, and ongoing therapy just to have a group of people kick me back down. I refuse.

I don’t even know how to write about anything yet, but I’ll find my voice again.

Be a better you in 2022

Mindful movement

It is so important to get our bodies moving for our health. Studies show that it boosts energy, creativity, and thinking when we do mindful movements such as structured exercise routines, running, or yoga. It also helps because doing movements that use both sides of your body require both sides of your brain to move, so you’re actually making strong connections while exercising. Weird right?

More conversations and connection

We’re so caught up in the digital world that it seems like the only conversations we have are the ones on Facebook in the comments section. Small talk is getting harder and harder to do, which makes connecting face to face even harder. It’s time to step out of your comfort zone and try to be the one that opens up conversations with strangers or people at work. Strengthen your connections, grow your community, increase your support. There’s no way that it can fail you!

Reflection journaling

One thing that I do like doing is blogging, obviously. It helps get emotions out and on paper, that way it’s not just bottled up inside. It doesn’t always have to be sad or angry emotions either. You can blog/journal about happy things to memorialize them forever. Sometimes it’s just nice to talk about your day to something that can’t judge you. And journal not to publish, but to just journal. That means not spending too much time proofreading and re-editing it. The best kinds of blogs are the ones that are written from the heart. Not this blog, this blog was planned. Lol.

Get a therapist

It is TIME for you to go therapy friend! Whether you think you have problems or not. There is so much going on in the world, that you should really find someone with a non-biased opinion to talk to about your life. Plus, there’s so many applications that make getting a therapist so easy, it’s literally at your fingertips. I personally use Doctors on Demand to talk with my therapist. I choose the time and date, who my therapist is, and what I want to talk about. I can have a quick session or an in-depth session. PLUS it’s covered by most insurances or benefits packages! LOOK INTO GETTING A THERAPIST.

Stop having problems with people who don’t care about you

The last thing you need to bring into 2022 is relationship problems with people you aren’t in a relationship with. If someone doesn’t care about losing you, then don’t give the power to tear you apart. What I’ve learned this year is to not waste time on people who wouldn’t spend a second thinking about my wellbeing, and neither should you. You’ll learn eventually who’s really there for you as a friend/family, and those who are only there to bask in your sunlight when they need the warmth.

Notice your internal reactions to things

This kind of goes with the point before this. Listen to your gut. Listen to your intuition. If someone makes you feel like you’re getting negative vibes, you’re most likely getting negative vibes. Stay away from the negative vibes. If your anxious and drained, take that into account. If you’re happy, excited, and full of joy to be around someone, then listen to that too. Then don’t feel bad about listening to your gut. You’re only protecting yourself.

Be open minded about criticism, not everyone is perfect or right all the time

Lastly, be open minded about what people say about you. When someone takes the time to tell you something they dislike about you and why, then take time to think about it. Not everyone is perfect, including the person telling you, but it could be something that you could improve on. For instance, if someone says they need some space and that you’re a little overbearing, then maybe it’s a nice reality check to take a step back and refocus on yourself. That only gives you the benefit of centering on yourself again. That doesn’t mean they dislike you, it just means that they don’t need as much communication as you do. Criticism goes both ways, so it’s always important to find a middle ground and compromise. But like I said - no one is perfect, not even you, not even me.

Homeless woman struck on I5 Northbound

That’s what I imagined the title would be if an article were written about her. I didn’t know her name. I didn’t know her background story. It wasn’t the kind of patient death I was used to. I typically know why my patients code, or why they pass. I usually know the background story of their life, and I get to know them. But this one hit me differently in the heart. I didn’t know a single thing about her. I don’t even know if she was homeless, but looking at her disheveled clothing and overall appearance, it was unlikely that she had access to a home.

It was my first day of work and I was driving on I5 North, right before Tukwila when I saw her body get struck by the van in front of me, and flip into the adjacent lane. Luckily no one else had hit or run her over. I pulled over as quickly as I could when I realized that it was not a jacket that flew out of a car. I ran back with my stethoscope to check on she was doing. I checked her heart rate, her pulse, and watched her take in agonal breaths. (death breathing).

Luckily someone pulled up with a first aid kid that had gloves, and I checked her body for any obvious wounds. The wound that I knew would cost her her life was the one directly to the back of her head where she struck concrete. Her hat laid next to her filled with gelatinous red goop. Her black messy hair tangled around the wound. It wasn’t looking like anything was going in her favor. I stayed with her while someone was on the phone with 911, awaiting paramedic and police arrival. Another nurse was with me watching her breathe. We kept yelling to “stay with us,” “it’s going to be okay.” I kept providing sternal rubs to try and keep her awake. Nothing came from her mouth except froth. I tried to check her capillary refill but her fingernails were so blackened, like she had been cold for so long. Every moment that passed, my heart broke a little more.

This woman with no name and no story was dying in front of me, surrounded by traffic instead of family. Surrounded by strangers and not friends. By the time I was handed a police report for my statement, the paramedics had secured her to a stretcher, and I watched her be taken away. I cried and I shook as I watched her leave. I would never know the outcome, but I knew deep down inside that it would be hard to bring her back from a head trauma that severe. Her pupils fixed and dilated. Gasping for breaths.

The image haunts me at night. The image plays in the back of my mind as I drive down the freeway. My eyes scan the street for where her blood was now washed away by the PNW rain. People say I was meant to be there in that specific moment, for her. Some people say that I could’ve been the thing between life and death. But the only thought I have left of her is her image and her blood stain on my white sweater. The only thing I have for her, is my prayers that wherever she is, she’s at peace, and hoping that all the people are right about her being okay.