A Special Reminder to Myself

You got this girl. 

Sometimes you feel like the world is against you,

And maybe sometimes it is, but most of the time it isn’t.

The voices in your head tell you what you don’t want to hear,

They tell you you’re not good enough,

That there’s nothing you can do to make things right,

That everything bad that’s happened is your fault.

You are good enough.

You have mended things.

Not everything is your fault.

Your heart hurts day and night,

And longs for people who are no longer here.

But they are;

They’re in your memories, the ones that bring

Tears to your eyes, or a smile to your face.

There’s strength in that.

Not everyone can endure guilt and grief like you have,

And still have enough to want to give love to others,

To care for others, to heal, nurture, and guide others.

Yet here you are, doing exactly that.

It’s okay to be weak, and it’s okay to be vulnerable.

The world will keep spinning even if it’s not on your shoulders.

Remember you always have people that love you,

And will be there to help stand you up.

Today is a rough day.

But you’ve made it through this day, nine years in a row.

There is no time limit on grief, and it comes and goes,

But it never stays for too long.

Don’t let it stay for too long.

You’re too strong for that. So be strong.

He’s looking down on you.

So make him proud of you.

Show him that he taught you how to love hard,

How to love wholeheartedly,

How to love genuinely,

And how to be kind and gentle.

That’s what he would’ve wanted.

Head in the Clouds at Lotte Tower: Happy 2nd Anniversary!

We felt bougie to say the least.

  There was one thing that Sean wanted to do while we were in Korea, and that was to stay at the world’s 5th tallest building, Signiel in Lotte Tower.  We had already stayed in Lotte World Tower, which was the smaller hotel next to it.  We made a mistake thinking we had booked Signiel; it turned into a funnier story after staying there, but we were not happy at the time.

Five stars all around. 

Signiel is definitely a hotel I recommend splurging your money on.  Their customer service is superb, and their amenities are nothing like I’ve ever seen before.  The afternoon that we got there, we were able to relax in the room, enjoy their welcome tea and cookies, and get ready for our evening.

  Their lounge grants access to visitors, and you’re able to drink bottomless champagne with little treats like petite fours and fruit.  Fortunately, we only had thirty minutes there before we were called for our cab to dinner, or else all of the champagne would have disappeared.

  After our dinner at Ryunique, we were pretty tipsy upon returning to our hotel, so we just went back to our room to enjoy the bath and view that our room offered.  Since it was our anniversary, they placed us in a corner room with the best view of the city!  It was amazing!  The bath itself came with small tea bags for a floral bath, and bath salts to help relax you.  We fell asleep shortly after that.

Is this what celebrities do on their days off?

  The next morning, I was able to enjoy the gym… alone.  (Sean didn’t want to wake up…)  So at 0530, I got ready to see what a 5-star gym was all about.  It was intense to say the least.  The equipment would be your timer, it would tell you if you were pulling/pushing too fast or too slow, and you could save it to your phone with one touch.  It was awesome.  Their equipment was state of the art.  I did a pretty intensive pull day with my daily dose of abs, and then met Sean for the pool.

  It was the second time we were able to enjoy the pool at a hotel we stayed at, and we’ve stayed at a lot of hotels.  Sean got his short swimming lesson in, and luckily, he did not drown.  When we got ready to go to breakfast, we both enjoyed the amenities of the swimming pool.  You really did not need to bring anything with you to shower there because they had everything!

We must be insta-famous with our camera

  We ended on a big note by going to breakfast at Stay, a very high-end French restaurant that serves buffet style breakfast.  There’s very few breakfasts that Sean and I would recommend in hotels, and one of them was at the Radisson Blu in Paris, France.  We were approached by the staff very frequently, and we think it’s because of our camera.  Nevertheless, they offered us great customer service as usual, making recommendations on what to try, and even bringing us food first.

  We plan on making one last stay here before we leave Korea.  So next time, we’ll be a little bit more prepared with the photos.  I really do suggest enjoying it yourself though!

Get a deal to enjoy the view from Lotte Tower with this link here!

Hellblade: How a Game Helped Me Understand My Wife

If you haven’t read my wife’s blog on her auditory hallucinations, you should read it prior to reading this blog.  It can be found here. 

As you’ve read, my wife experiences auditory hallucinations, and it’s been for some time now.  I just recently found out since it’s become more vocal in the past few months.  When I did, I didn’t see it as a big deal.  I came up with ways to help her when it became overwhelming.  My favorite was singing a song together, and it was a specific song.  So whenever I saw that it was too much for her, I would start softly with “ siiiiiiiing….,” then gradually get louder.  “Sing a soooooong.  SING OUT LOOOOOOUD.  SING OUT STROOOOOOOONG!!!”  And I’d sing louder and louder until it wasn’t bothering her anymore.  Plus, if I wasn’t there, it’d be something she could do that would help get her mind off of it. 

It’s easy to tell someone not to listen to the voices in their head

At times, I can say “it’ll be okay” and tell her to “just ignore it”, but it’d be very difficult for her to do so.  I can tell her it’s not real but it is to her.  For anyone who isn’t experiencing these hallucinations, it’s probably hard for them to understand what my wife is going through.  I can sympathize with her, but not empathize.

In order for me to truly understand something I have to experience it.  I may be a very understanding person, but this is something that is completely new to me.  I researched and read everything I could on it.  During my search, I remembered that there was a game that featured something similar to what my wife was experiencing.  The game is called “Hellblade: Senua’s Sacrifice,” and it’s a game that I’ve been wanting to play that I never got around to.  I thought that now would be the perfect time to do so.

How a game taught me about mental health

The game focuses on the heroine, Senua, and like my wife, she experiences auditory hallucinations (among other hallucinations).  Her goal is to save her lover’s soul from hell and fight her literal demons on her journey there.  The crazy part of this game is that IF YOU DIE TOO MANY TIMES, YOU LOSE ALL YOUR PROGRESS AND START FROM THE BEGINNING. This is no joke, I put that in caps for a reason. They will delete your game if you die too often, and the difficulty is intense at times.  It’s beautiful, gripping, and challenging. 

The best way to play this game, and the way I would recommend you play, is with headphones.  It’s truly an experience more than it is a game.  You’ll hear all the voices she hears, and according to my wife, it’s pretty accurate.  The game is very well researched and there’s even a special included on mental health.  While you’re playing, sometimes the voices will help, and sometimes they’ll instigate.  Sometimes they warn you, but the majority of the time, they bring you down.  From what I gathered from the game, it’s hard not to trust the voices when some of the things they say are true.

This game was a way for me to see what my wife is going through, and though it isn’t real, it’d be scary to think if it was.  What I remember most about this game is my wife telling me the type of voices that scare her.  So for me to truly understand what my wife is going through, I don’t think I ever will.  But by playing this game and opening my eyes to what life is like to experience auditory hallucinations against my will, I believe that I have learned so much more than what I am able to read online.

I’d recommend this game to anyone who is interest in learning about auditory hallucinations, or anyone who wants to play an overall good game.  The trailer can be found here, and a review from IGN can be found here.  If you’re experiencing auditory hallucinations, or any type of hallucinations, feel free to let us know and tell us how you cope.  Not only that, but let us know how others could help.  Sometimes, your support chain just isn’t sure what to do and could find this information useful.  There’s no judgement here, and I thank you for sharing.

Guest Post: How I Balance My Life as a University Student!

University is hard, but you’re tough too!

Being a student can be hectic when your mind is all over the place. You’re trying to figure out your career, your friends and find balance in the things you love. My first few months at university was one you could call a BIG MESS! I had no idea what I was doing, my fitness routine was running away from me and my social life was more important than my work life.

Someone once told me that feeling lost is the best blessing you could have. It gives you that time to experiment and explore the many options you don’t know is in front of you. Take it as an advantage to really find your passion and let your mind wander to somewhere you didn’t think it would take you.

After enjoying a bit of a social life, I realized that it was time to put my head down and focus on what I wanted to achieve throughout my time at university. Even though University is a tough time in terms of your education, I’ve never had so much freedom in opportunities and independence until now. You might be reading this like really Elouiza? While drowning in an essay.

This is how I’ve been able to balance my life as a student:

Outline my goals

I sit down, take a step back and think about what I want to achieve throughout University. It could be education related, something that you do on the side e.g achieve something in sports, or even money related e.g get a part-time job. This reminds me of why I will do the things I do and to also help me stay on track with everything going on as a Student. When you find out what you want to achieve, you’ll definitely become more motivated throughout your journey at university.

Create a routine

I look at my weekly schedule which includes: a part-time job, going to the gym, meeting my boyfriend and friends, and going to university. It can get tough, but time management is key. I try to create a rough routine that’s similar every day because things change a lot, so it’s less stressful when you’re not overly strict about your routine. When I have a day at university, it isn’t for the whole day, so I’ll utilize my time there and do things university related such as revision, group work or essay writing.

Prioritize but know when to stop

At the end of the day, University and doing well in my studies is more important than achieving my body goals... for now. Of course, I love going to the gym, but there are times when I know I need to sacrifice a workout and work on revision the day before an exam. I’m not saying put studies on top of everything every single day but know when it’s time to put your head down and get that essay sorted! However, don’t overdo the work part and know when it’s time to take a break and just go out for the day, evening or lunch. A little time out goes a long way.

ElouizaUpLifts is a lifestyle blogger that features University life, fitness, food, and productivity tips. Check her website out at: www.elouizauplifts.co.uk

The Experience of Taking Psychiatric Medications

I was afraid to try it because I was ashamed of what people would think of me if they found out…

  “I hate him because he’s always so freakin’ happy… Always smiling that cheesy smile…”  It’s hard to see others be so naturally happy when you’re just naturally sad.  It all seems like it’s some crazy fantasy; to imagine being that happy is a possibility for everyone… but me?  Why do I need help with it more than others do?

  It’s obvious that there is a stigma surrounding using psychiatric medications.  Movies often portray those with mental illness as people who cannot function “normally” in society and that we all belong in some asylum.  I’m here to tell you that there are many high-functioning people with mental illness, that’s to include myself.  Am I high-functioning?  I’m not really sure, I just want to feel special. Regardless of that, I take medications and I’m no longer ashamed. I’ll take my gigantic pill, very neatly organized pill box to work and pop it like it’s nothing.

  When you have cramps, or you strain a muscle, it’s so easily asked, “do you want some Ibuprofen?” or “do you want a Tylenol?”  When someone has a heart issue, it’s easy to place them on blood thinners or blood pressure medications.  All of which can be lethal in increased doses.  So why is it odd to hear that someone is on a medication that affects their brain?  Why are we suddenly treated like delicate flowers that will wither as soon as something presses against it?

  I take a couple of different medications that help control my mood and the symptoms that I get from my illnesses.  I’ve had to trial and error with other medications because some would make me feel sluggish, others would make me feel sick to my stomach, and others made my depression and mood swings much worse.  I feel like I’ve reached a point where I can take them without feeling awful.

  These things take time to make any change.  You start at low doses and work your way up to what helps you best.  It’s very important to not abruptly stop taking the medications because the repercussions could be much worse than the original signs and symptoms of your illness.  If you’re at your wits end with your mental illness, don’t feel shameful to ask your psychiatrist about medications that could best help you.

  There’s nothing wrong with taking medications.  It just means you’re intelligent enough to use the resources provided to you to help you feel a little bit better each day.

I ask that if I know you personally, to please do your best not to treat me differently. I have put myself out there bare bones to try and help reduce the stigma around mental illness. I have already accepted the fact that some of you cannot help it, so if that’s the case, please do not talk to me about it.

There’s this crappy situation that I have to re-write this blog due to a mishap while switching to our new layout. But I think it’s okay, because when I first wrote the blog, I was afraid to post it. It sat in my drafts folder for way too long. The things I wrote about had changed by then. In the previous blog, I focused on how the medications made me feel more than anything. I guess, this time around I have more to talk about, but I’ll try to include the content I can remember from the last post. I don’t understand the stigma behind taking psychiatric medications. I used to be so ashamed to ask for help, let alone medications… But starting them, I’m happy (haaa…) to say that they are starting to work. It was a rough first time go around. I’ll be more open on what I was taking as well.

My own experience in taking medications

I was first started on Effexor where I worked my way up to 150 mg. I felt nothing but nausea the entire time. Going on car rides was the most painful thing because it just made me want to yak all over the windshield every time. I was weaned off of Effexor, and started on Mirtazapine. Mirtazapine is something I still take, and it makes me the groggiest person in the morning. I always feel super slow and super heavy when I wake up. Sometimes I feel like I’m coming out of sedation. It makes going through my work day really difficult, although I do get some pretty legit sleep out of it.

On top of Mirtazapine, I was started on a low dose of Propranolol. It’s typical use is for cardiac medications, but at low doses, can be used to treat generalized anxiety. So far, it’s been very helpful in keeping my anxiety attacks at a minimum, and I have less time spent trying to “catch up with my heart”.

As you may have read, I also hear voices. I have become open about having auditory hallucinations, and if you want to call me crazy, then do it. But fair warning, you should never mess with crazy people, especially the ones that hear voices, ;). So I was started on a low dose of Abilify. I was extremely hesitant to take this medication since it is an anti-psychotic. It made me feel like I had officially been diagnosed psycho - which wasn’t the case. There’s a lot of things that have happened in my life that have required me to push the emotions down into a deep, dark box… That box was let open little by little, and everything started to pour out of me. Abilify really helps keep these dark thoughts in check.

Be patient, they don’t work instantaneously

The side effects are what will make you want to stop in the beginning. They’re awful, I’m not going to sugar coat that. You get nauseous, you can’t sleep, you get night sweats, nightmares, etc. The thing is, I was already having all of these symptoms before I started medications, so it’s not like it was any different. It was just more persistent. Nightmares got really intense to the point where I’d act out. Sean won’t tell you, but I’ve punched him in my sleep before, and he couldn’t do anything about it. But once you get past all of that, it’ll stop being as often, and you’ll start feeling better.

Break through the stigma

We’re so quick to offer Tylenol for fevers, Ibuprofen for sore muscles, and Midol for menstrual cramps. As soon as someone has something going on in their head, something you can’t see, then a negative stigma rises around it. The mind is the strongest organ you have. It’s ability to connect, retain, and create information… You’d be a fool not to take care of it the way you take care of every other organ. Just think of it as putting neosporin on your brain cells. Those synapses need some love too.

Don’t let anyone make you feel bad for seeking out treatment. I’m a very functional human being. I’ve gotten through nursing school, I’m a Commissioned Officer in the United States Army, and I’m a successful person. Don’t ever think that taking medications for your mental health will set you back.

You aren’t a fool for seeking help. You’re smart - because you’re utilizing the resources given to you to get better.