Taking a step back when you know you've exhausted your kindness

  We’ve all had that friend that seems like their life is always falling apart at its seams.  When one thing starts to go right, another thing starts to go wrong.  It always seems like this person just can’t catch a break, and you want to do what any good human would do and you want to help them out.

  You listen to their troubles and their woes.  You give advice when they ask for it.  You wipe their tears when they’re falling.  You help find solutions to their problems.  Despite your efforts in helping them, nothing seems to change because they aren’t changing.  They aren’t using the solutions, and they do the same routine and expect a different outcome.  Now it’s come to a point where they’ve exhausted all of your kindness, and you’re starting to feel the burden of their issues weighing down on your shoulders.  Being their friend has now impacted your life that you start to feel the negativity.  It’s become unhealthy. So how do you know it’s time you step away?

Believe patterns, not apologies

  It’s very difficult when you’re in a situation where your friend is constantly doing things that end up hurting you.  Second chances are always something that should be given, but multiple chances time and time again?  Those are hard to come around.  You may think that you’re being a good friend for not giving up on someone, but if it begins to take a toll on your mental well-being, then it’s probably time that you believe their patterns and not their apologies.

  Those apologies may seem sincere, and they may truly need help, but you can’t help anyone if you’re struggling too.  Someone who truly cares about you wouldn’t put you in a position where you’re their fallback when things go wrong, and then continue to damage your relationship.

Coercion into a friendship is not a friendship

  You should never be guilted into staying in a friendship, no matter what the circumstances are.  When someone starts trying to guilt you into a friendship, is it really a friendship or are you just there because you’re afraid of what the outcome would be if you left?

  I struggled with this a lot this past year, and it’s gotten me nothing but sleepless nights and anxiety attacks.  “You said you would always be there for me, but you lied.”  “You never cared about me in the first place, don’t pretend that you do now.”  “I’m going to kill myself because without you all of this would have been for nothing.”

  It’s hard to read, isn’t it?  When you’ve spent so much of your time trying to help someone, and they downgrade your care for them to nothing?  They place the responsibility of their life in your hands, and it’s up to you to stop them from doing anything stupid.  They aren’t showing you that they love you.  They’re placing guilt into your hands if anything were to go wrong, and that’s not cool.

Change comes only when they truly accept your help

  There’s no doubt that being a good friend is being there for each other through thick and thin, but even the strongest of friendships need a break sometimes.  When you’ve been pushed to the limit where your well-being is being sacrificed for the well-being of someone else, it’s time to take that break.  Speaking as a nurse, you can’t help people if you haven’t helped yourself first.  Your friend is going to have to understand that you’ve done all that you can, and that change is only made when they’ve decided that it’s time.  They need to believe it themselves.  They have to start doing things differently if they want a different outcome.  So step back, evaluate your situation, and see if it’s time for you to do some self-care.

Since high school, my friend count has decreased dramatically, and I’m okay with that

Social butterfly to loner ladybug

  I wouldn’t consider myself someone who always had a lot of friends.  I always could count on 2-3 people as my “ride or dies”, but I think I got along with pretty much everyone.  I was never the type to let a lot of people in on my life either.  I kept my relationships on the shallow end of the trust pool, but that’s because I could never let myself open up about things going on in my life.

  Now that I’m an adult, my friend count has gotten even lower.  I definitely consider myself an introvert.  I have a lot of acquaintances from work, clients, and random groups that I’ve joined, but never anyone that I’ve truly deemed worthy of “unloading” things on.  Shout out to those who have really made an impact in my life to where I’ve opened up to you about some dark stuff, y’all know who you are. #AleitaSusanna #SalvajesLocos

I’d rather have 4 quarters instead of 100 pennies

  Honestly, I don’t mind the small interactions that I get with a large group of people, or a client every now and then.  I also can go on very long stretches of not opening up to my best friends, and when we link back up, it’s like we were never apart.  I live for those few friendships.  I’d rather have one or two people know my truth, then have a lot of people know bits and pieces.  I like that I have people who try to understand me, rather than just hear what I have to say and have no input.

I’d like to skip out on the judgment zone

  I’ve found that when I open up about hard times in my life, and the person doesn’t take the time to get to know me as a whole person, they automatically place judgment.  After that judgment is made, then it’s just downhill from there because I’ve been labeled as something other than a person with emotions.  I’ve found that gossip still circulates in the adult world, not just in high school.  Which I’m really surprised, because I’ve also met high schoolers that have behaved better than some adults, which is really sad.

I get to do a lot of self-reflection

  When I’m by myself, I’m alone with my thoughts.  It can be really helpful for me to be able to go through things and figure out what I can do differently to better myself, or it can go really poorly for me.  On my good days, I find myself very productive.  I edit photos. I write blogs.  I walk my dogs longer than 15 minutes.  On my bad days, I curl into a ball in my bed and try to drown out the voices in my head with Hulu.  I write a lot, but it’s often a lot darker.

I admire those people who still try to get to know me, and allow me to get to know them

  I never turn down a chance to get to know a person.  If they’re willing to meet up more than an initial meet up, it usually ends up being a pretty cool friendship.  I don’t think I’m anywhere long enough to become super close to someone, especially with my random work hours, but in today’s society, an e-friendship is better than no friendship, right?  That’s why I’m so connected in today’s blogger world.

Overall, as long as I have my dogs and my husband, I’m cool

  At the end of the day, I’m proud of myself when I make the effort to make it out the door and meet people I don’t normally meet with.  But most days, I’m happy when my husband makes it home, and we’re chillin’ in our undies watching Netflix, playing video games, and cuddling with our puppies.

Guest Post: An ongoing battle with an eating disorder in today's world

  I remember it vividly.  I was at my friend’s birthday party and decided I wasn’t going to eat meat anymore. A small decision that would have a huge impact on my life. Most of my childhood, I was the bigger kid in class and so one day I decided to change. It started with cutting out meat, then that led to cutting out chocolate and then anything that wasn’t too sugary or didn’t have a nutrition label. At the time I was 14 and food seemed like the one thing I could control in my life. I stopped letting my mom make me breakfast, used smaller utensils and dishes to eat less and kept up with my exercise routine. My eighth grade year was awful, I remember bringing a yogurt and pineapple to school everyday and isolating myself at lunch so people wouldn’t see me eat.

 Getting through high school and learning how to binge

  Flash forward to the middle of ninth grade, I had lost probably 20 pounds, but I still wasn’t happy. During soccer practice one day, I made myself throw up so I could go home. Everyone thought I was sick but in reality my brain was the only part of me that was sick. Once I realized that I could make myself throw up, the year and a half of starving myself caught up with me in a big way. I started binging on anything and everything I could, waiting until my parents went to sleep to begin devouring everything in sight. After stuffing myself so full, the only thing I wanted to do was make that feeling go away.  So I would make myself sick. This went on most of high school, and I continuously lost more and more weight, but it was never enough. By sophomore year in college, I was 113 pounds, binging daily on anything that I wouldn’t normally eat and running 5+ miles a day to ensure I didn’t gain weight (mind you, I started my “weight loss” at 168 pounds).

 Finally reaching out for help

  That year I finally opened up to my mom and told her that I had a problem, my family gave me the ultimatum to go get help or to be cut off. I chose to go to therapy and worked with a therapist throughout the next two years of college. By the end of college I had gotten my shit somewhat together, however I was still so unhappy with my body. I had gained weight (approximately 20 pounds) and was trying to navigate how to eat normally again. For so long, I had no hunger cues and felt perpetually hungry.  

 How it has effected my adult life

In 2016, I had just started my career in the Army and told myself, yet again that I would be this disease once and for all. I got up to my highest weight but was still so disgusted by the body in the mirror. For 9 months in 2017, I had my longest streak of sobriety, but as soon as life felt out of control again I was right back where I started.  The last three years have felt like a flash, and I’m still here fighting but each day I get a little stronger.

  Having an eating disorder is something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. Unlike other addictions, you have to eat to live, it’s not just something you can avoid. During every social event, holiday, night out, breakfast, lunch and dinner I have to make the decision to eat, to not restrict and no matter how guilty I feel after, I have to make the decision to not make myself sick.  Getting help is something I wish I had done sooner because even now at 26, I struggle daily to make healthy decisions for myself. The control and the pain I cause myself are the addictive parts of this disorder, it’s never just about the food. Throughout the last 13 years, I was never “sick enough.” I didn’t fit the stereotypical look of the skinny girl that looked like the wind could blow her over.

 Taking the steps to a “normal”, healthy life

  I have had to take my recovery day by day for over 3 years and I have slipped up more times than I care to admit.  But my experience goes to show that no matter how someone appears, they might be hiding behind a mask distracting the world from ever really knowing what mental struggles they battle in their head on a daily basis. I am complicated, emotional, and generally all over the place, but every day I’m working towards getting my life back. I don’t know if I will ever be completely free, but I do know that I will continue to fight this war inside my mind every day. Deciding to cut out meat, turned into anorexia, which turned into bulimia and changed the course of my life forever.

  For 13 years bulimia has plagued my life, and although it is a big part of me, it is not who I am or who I want to be. My eating disorder took some many things from me and continues to do so today. Isolation, anger, depression, anxiety, and a forever sinking feeling consumed me. I lost my menstrual cycle for 7 years, causing who knows how much damage to my reproductive system. Knowing that you may never have children because of what you did to yourself is probably the hardest pill to swallow. With that being said, each New Years I tell myself that I’m done with bulimia and every birthday I start over again.

 Eating disorders in today’s society

  In today’s world, getting help is something that most people struggle to do because of the stigma surrounding mental illnesses and eating disorders. Those people who desperately need help suffer in silence because they’ve been conditioned to believe that asking for help makes a person weak. The symptoms listed in the DSM that allow doctors to make diagnoses for patients are incredibly outdated and only chip away at the tip of the iceberg. There are so many types of eating disorders: bulimia, orthorexia, anorexia, binge eating disorder and many others that I don’t know off the top of my head but the worst part is this disease not discriminate based on gender, age or weight.

Notes from Okami & Co.

It’s difficult struggling with something as important as food. As Sara stated, you need food to live, so it’s not something you can just fix overnight. Having struggled with body image dysmorphia, I can relate to Sara’s journey of long nights of starvation, binging and purging, and excessively working out. It’s tough on your mental game, and it does require therapy to get through it. Just because someone looks “normal,” doesn’t mean they aren’t struggling. The biggest hurdle people may have that look normal is convincing someone they have a problem that they need help with. If you have any concern with your eating patterns and nutrition, please reach out for help.

About our Guest Author

Sara C. is a friend from high school, whom I’ve had the opportunity of attending military training with back in college. We reconnected through Facebook, and I reached out to her to share her story. She advocates for mental health through her Instagram showing her mental health journey and fitness journey. She is an officer in the United States Military. She is continuously striving to find balance in her mental and physical health while cheering on others to do the same. Follow her journey on her blog www.saraswayforward.com.

Guest Post: Talking about Mental Health with ‘Traditional’ Parents

“As long as I am working and able to send money back home, I am fine”, my mom said. She is a first-generation immigrant who has been living in Canada for over 30 years. This was her response to talking about recent life stressors including money, family and work. Like other parental figures, my mother has this one traditional-like belief about mental wellness. Namely, “If you are physically okay, you don’t need to get checked”

I do not think that this mindset always comes from an uncaring individual. I think there is so much more to this statement than what there is at face value.

For some, I think about the places where people were brought up. In some countries, privatization makes healthcare inaccessible. This is true for those who are not able to pay out of pocket. So, for treatments like cognitive behavioral therapy or a cocktail of anti-psychotics, these are not readily available options for the marginalized.

Even if they were, some cultures teach how mental illnesses are evil spirits to be removed by a ceremony. Or there is also the understanding that a ‘physical’ problem must be treated with a ‘physical’ treatment and the same goes for a mental illness. Therefore, a tumor in the breast can be treated with surgery, chemotherapy and radiation. However, with a mental illness, medications like antidepressants or mood stabilizers are not readily accepted. If parents such as mine were open to talking about mental health treatments, they would be looking more at psychotherapy or support groups.

There is also the perception of mental illnesses being easily treated – by just changing a mindset. It goes back to the idea that if a person is not bringing harm to others, nor are they at risk of anything, they are ‘okay’. I know that when I was in elementary and secondary school from the early 2000s, mental illnesses were never discussed. There was little to no education about what they were and how you could support others who are diagnosed with one. It is only recently, where there are more awareness campaigns and initiatives to legitimatize the perception of mental illnesses.

Unfortunately, with ‘positive’ publicity also comes ‘negative’ ones. Often, my parents and I see stories in the social media of violent acts of murder and suicide. When there is word of mental illness, there comes misguided generalizations. Some prejudice statements I have heard include ALL people with mental illness(es) are violent, manipulative, attention-seeking and overly emotional human beings. In fact, I have also heard people say that if you talk about suicide with others, they are more likely to kill themselves. The reasoning for this statement was that you had ‘planted’ the idea in their mind, otherwise they would have never thought of it.

Talking about mental illnesses within families, are difficult. Though there are times where I wish my mom would be able to understand how I see mental illnesses, I know there are a lot of barriers to her understanding it. Even when I persist in talking about them with her, there are a few things I try to keep in mind.

1. The goal is not to change how they think about mental illness. If you do happen to accomplish this, think of it as a bonus. Strive to have them accept and respect your own perception of mental illness. They do not have to agree with you, but keeping them aware of what you are going through will hopefully help minimize the risk of distancing.

2. Focus on how you feel about the situation, NOT on how they are reacting. Sometimes it is easier for a person to support another when they feel like they are not being blamed or put at fault for something beyond their control.

3. Accept that not everyone is open-minded. My mom will probably never think of depression or anxiety as family issues we should be concerned with. She will probably still call suicide as one having a ‘crazy idea’. The most we can do is just look out for one another and respect that we are different.

Having the conversation about mental illness is not something comfortable to talk about – especially with parents like my mom. But it is better to have one, whenever it may be, than to be silent about it.

Tabby's Luminescent Glam Boxes & How She Promotes Self-Love

My name is Tabby, and I'm a Cosmetologist. Lunar Tide Beauty was originally After Hours style, and I started up about three days after I got to Korea again. I'd always dabbled in hair styling and make up prior to our first stay here in Korea. I even moonlighted as a make up artist for a photo shoot or two. Really what sealed it was four years not really working. I couldn't stand it. I need to be doing things to keep myself sane. I went back to school in 2015. Cosmetology was a no brainer, I grew up in a beauty shop, my grandma was a Hairdresser and it just feels like home.

Day to Day Operations

My day to day currently is largely consultations via Facebook, working to create inventory, or working on a project for the Diversity and Inclusion section of the Red Cross, at least if I don't have scheduled clients. I can go from two or three haircuts or waxes to an all-day session of Unicorn/Mermaid hair or blonde AF.  I keep way busier than I anticipated at the beginning of the year, but it's great! The work I do is absolutely fulfilling, I adore making people feel beautiful. 

Luminescent Cosmetics

Which brought around Luminescent Cosmetics. I am huge into skincare, I love to try different things, but I'm also really interested in ingredients. More so after learning that a friend of mine who is a cancer-survivor can't use anything with a metal oxide in it. I had no idea how many mineral based products contained a metal oxide! Another friend revealed she's allergic to glycerin when I suggested a serum for her to use. Glycerin is in EVERYTHING just about and that narrows down the choices quite a bit. I always wanted to make my own line, why not? In the age of the Millennial we're all reverting back to craftsmanship and artisan type practices. Why shouldn't I do the same thing and provide something I would be proud to use to the people around me. So that was how I got out some text books, did some updated research on the best ingredients and came up with my launch products. 

The Glam Crates

I started these glam crates originally to sort of get myself out there, for people to know my name, and the products I use and sell. That's evolved since I actually really love giving gifts and the glam crates are perfect for me to curate and gift to their recipients. Beauty boxes are really popular, and for good reason: who wants to spend 500 dollars on products they may or may not use all of? I had a whole stash of unused unopened make up waiting for a home after a couple years of Ipsy, Sephora Play and other similar subscriptions. I ended up sending a lot of it to glambot.com or just giving it away. Because none of those services really get me and what I'm looking for, I often ended up disappointed and cancelling the subscription after about six months. 

Curated for the person

I make my boxes for each person who signs up. No two boxes are the same, and there isn't really a baseline other than the themed piece. Comfy meant find leggings and t-shirts that were soft and wearable in color schemes for each of the vibrant women who asked for one. This month means finding the right flower themed items for each individual, be they made or bought. I think what sets me apart from the majority of big name boxes and even some of the smaller boxes is I really want you to be happy with the box, not so you'll pay me for another one - but because I love the messages I get. The wow these all fit my aesthetic, or this is so fun, I had a great time trying out new things, or I found my new holy grail! That boosts my mood and fills my spirit. 

“Self-Care is being able to look at my habits and slowly start to chip away at the toxic ones.”

— Tabby

On the topic of self-care, as a person with Anxiety and Depression it's something I'm still learning to allow myself. As a high functioning depressive I often take on too much at once, over scheduling my weeks and grabbing onto new projects. Don't get me wrong, it's so fulfilling, but I am so mentally exhausted sometimes that it's startling. Self-Care is being able to look at my habits and slowly start to chip away at the toxic ones. Eat at home rather than eat high fat, high-carb fast-foods that leave me sluggish and more prone to depressive states. Take an hour and taking a hot bath with a book playing on my phone to recenter myself and let my brain just quiet down. It's so important, it's kept me from bottling up my emotions and having some needless knock down drag out fight over something insipid. 

My beauty routine

My personal daily beauty routine is simple, at least in my mind. If I've worn make up the day before, it's exfoliation day that morning, then a gentle wash, pat dry, grab the toner, swipe it on and let it dry down, serum to replenish the moisture I took from my skin with the exfoliant and wash, and seal it all down with moisturizer and sunscreen before I do anything else. If I'm adding a face on top of it, full or otherwise, primer first, I'm currently in love with No Poreblem from TouchInSol and Unicorn Essence from Farsali. I start with my brows, filling/shaping them and then clean them up with some concealer. If it's a quick look, swipe on my liner and mascara. Concealer blended out under my eyes, a lipstick and I'm good to go. Basically I frame my face. If you don't have brows and liner, for your eyes, they get lost, or easily over looked. Lips, obviously can either be your focal point or just highlighted gently to really finish a natural quick look. 

Get this must-have product if you can!

Must have product - especially out here where the Air Quality jumps - is a high quality serum. I highly recommend either The Ordinary Hyaluronic + B5 serum or my own creation which I call the red moon serum. Rice Water with High Molecular weight Hyaluronic Acid, Vitamin E, Liquid Silk, Aloe Vera Water and a light lavender scent. I want people to maximize hydration in their skin, it's a thing we're hardly ever told other than to drink water and moisturize, without being told moisturizers only lock in what's on your skin when you put it on! 

Note from Okami & Co.

  We connected with Tabby through a Facebook beauty group here in South Korea.  I noticed that someone had posted their personally curated box from Tabby, and was immediately interested when Tabby advertised, she was taking orders.  I didn’t hesitate at the chance to order one of these boxes, and to give someone else the gift of self-care as well.  You can find more of Tabby’s work below!

Instagram: www.instagram.com/lunartidebeauty
Instagram: www.instagram.com/luminescentcosmetics
Website: www.lunartidebeauty.com
Website: www.luminescentcosmetics.com
Facebook: www.facebook.com/lunartidebeauty
Facebook: www.facebook.com/luminescentcosmetics

O&H Beauty Group Contest: Follow myself on Instagram @okamiandco, @stayaloha, @luminescentcosmetics, and @lunartidebeauty on Instagram. And comment with your reply to the question, “What is your beauty routine, and how does it help your mentality with self-love?”