In Uncertainty Comes Hardship, but in Hardships Comes Certainty

     My life as Kat began as a question, “who am I really?”  At such a young age, I never expected to find the answer would be that I was adopted and that my last name was not my own.  I had come to this realization after I found a videotape titled “Sergy” in a large antique cabinet in my living room.  I was not prepared for the content it contained.  It was a little boy with blonde hair and blue eyes, just like mine, begging the audience, “please take me to America to be with my sister Katya.”  I had discovered that I had another family somewhere else in the world that I knew nothing about.  As a result, my journey of becoming one with abandonment fears had begun.

     Over the course of a crucial few years, I asked my parents to tell me everything about this boy.  I was angry.  I was hurt.  But most of all, I felt betrayed as I learned the truth.  I was adopted from Domodedovo, Russia when I was 2 years old.  No other information about my biological family was given to me because my American adoptive parents did not know any.  They told me that Russia, at the time, had provided little to no information.  It wasn’t like the adoption system in the United States.  There were no pictures, no contact information, and no medical history.  At the time, Russia was different.  Poverty-stricken where most people were unable to take care of their own children.

  I did not believe my American parents.  In my mind, I didn’t even know who my parents were or what they looked like.  I wanted to know where certain personality traits came from and who else shared my physical features in my biological family.  Most of all, I wanted to know why I wasn’t wanted.  But life carried on, with me drowning in depression and anxiety.

“I maintained a bitter mindset, constantly resenting and blaming my adoptive family for what they had done.”

     I had always wanted to be accepted.  Who doesn’t?  It is a natural human need to find others who will accept them for who they are.  But finding out I had been lied to made it harder to trust anyone that was around me.  It was easier for my American brother, even though he was also adopted from Ekaterinburg, Russia.  He did not have the same fears that I had with people.  For me, I would establish friendships and let them fall apart because I knew that they would leave me or they did not want me just like my biological family in Russia.  I refused to let myself get to close to others and realized how vulnerable I was when I did.

  I was a mess when I would lose friends.  I did not understand the subconscious self-sabotage that I had done to destroy the relationship.  I was always told that I was “hard to deal with” or “too clingy.”  I constantly lived my life in fear that I would end up alone.  I accepted this as the truth to my life.  As I got older, I did not have many friends.  I saw everyone around me as fake.  I maintained a bitter mindset, constantly resenting and blaming my adoptive family for what they had done.  For years, I carried this burden alone.  I had been searching for answers since that day I found that tape.  I trusted no one and never had a genuine relationship where I felt that they would stay.  That is — until 2 years ago.

     I thought about my biological Russian family every single day and hoped one day we would find each other.  On Facebook, I received a message from a stranger asking if I was related to my adoptive brother.  I was hesitant to respond, but she told me that she helped him find his biological family— after reading this I must admit that I quite literally laughed out loud.  I responded to her that I had been searching for my family for years and I would be shocked if she could find them. I honestly thought it was a scam, but I played along anyway, curious to see what would happen.  First, I joined a Facebook group called “Russian Adoptees.”  Then, I gave her my Russian last name, brother’s name, birthdate, and birthplace.  In retrospect, I realize I was making a bold move.  Within two minutes, I received a message that contained a VK account and a positive note that read, “here you are.  I am positive this is your brother because he has been looking for you too.”

“I was certain it was the Sergy from the videotape all those years ago!”

  I clicked the link that showed a male that would have been my brother’s age and someone who looked just like me.  After getting in touch with him, and asking a series of questions that only my sibling would know, we Facetimed each other.  I was certain it was the Sergy from the videotape all those years ago!  My biological brother!  I even met my biological mother and finally asked her the questions that I had been saving for years.

     I am now 27 years old, and I feel like a door to that struggle has been closed.  I still have questions, but I have received so many answers that have helped change my views on my abandonment. I still keep people at an arm’s length when I first meet them, but I no longer think that they will abandon me.  I see it as an encounter that has given me insight and helps me carry on my journey in life.  Now, I believe we meet everyone for a reason.  A notion I never would have believed if I hadn’t met that person over Facebook.  There is not a day that goes by that I don’t count my blessings of just how far I have come personally, emotionally, and spiritually.  While being adopted had its problems, from it, I am able to see the world in a different way than many from behind my blue eyes.

A note from Okami & Co.

  You can imagine the amount of questions we had after reading Kat’s story.  After speaking with her a little bit more, we learned that Kat has stayed in contact with her biological family, and has grown to understand the reasoning behind the secret that her adoptive parents kept from her.  Often, we don’t see the bigger picture that everyone else sees.  Kat learned that her adoptive parents were just trying to protect her from the things that were happening back in her hometown of Russia with her mother.

  Kat is now a writer of two blogs Transcending Thoughts and Kat’s Korner.  She writes books, short stories, blogs, and poems.  Kat is currently working on a book about The Invisible String that connected her to her Russian family for all those lost years.  Born into imagination, creativity is her best friend.  Writing raw and emotional posts, she challenges others to embrace new perspectives while encouraging everyone to take this journey with her.  You can find more of her work in the links below!

Transcending Thoughts Facebook page: Www.facebook.com/theantisocialxtrovert

Transcending Thoughts Official Website: Www.naturesofthinking.blogspot.com

Kat’s Korner Facebook Page: Www.facebook.com/KatsOfficialKorner

Kat’s Korner Official website: Www.katskornerofficial.com

Instagrams: @katsofficialkorner and @theantisocialxtrovert

The Destructiveness of Overbearing Positivity in Today's Culture

“Just look on the bright side. There’s always a rainbow after the rain.”

  If I had a penny for every time I heard that or something remotely close to it, then I’d have a pretty fat wad of cash stashed away in a nest egg.  It isn’t unusual to hear positive, motivational quotes when you’re stuck in a rut.  That’s pretty much how we’re programmed as a community to respond to negative energy.  Society tells us that positive thinking is what will make the hard times easier.  I feel like we’ve been brainwashed to think that happy thoughts can somehow make you fly away from your troubles.  But this isn’t Peter Pan, and there is no Neverland.  This is real life, and real life can suck.

  I’m speaking mostly from personal experience and from my conversations with friends, families, and patients alike…  Being told that “things could be worse” or “you just need to be more positive” can actually make it worse.

  There was a study led by Joanna Wood from the University of Waterloo in Canada, where people would repeat the mantra of “I am a lovable person” sixteen times, and would then take a survey to see how they felt afterwards.  The study resulted in those with normal to high self-esteem felt better after the task, and those with low self-esteem felt worse.  Eh? How does that make any sense?

  Well, If I feel like I’m an undeserving individual trying to convince myself otherwise, I end up with me feeling even worse about myself.  It’s only because I’d think that I wasn’t normal like everyone else who had a positive outcome chanting that little mantra.  This is what happens most of the time when I try to think positively about myself or my situations.  My thoughts are engulfed with uncertainties, deficiencies, and worst-case scenarios, making it very difficult to convince myself that I am worth it.   

Read: Joanne Wood’s Positive Self Statements: Power for Some, Peril for Others study

  It’s already difficult enough to gather the courage to reach out for help when we’ve reached a breaking point.  Now just imagine reaching that point and having someone actually respond to you that it could be worse, or that your attitude is the reason that you feel this way.  IT SUCKS.  Not only have you belittled our problems and our feelings, you’ve told us that it’s our fault we feel this way.  It’s not that we want to be unhappy, it’s that we can’t even though we’ve tried.  Trust me when I say, we’ve tried.

  Just imagine that you’re fighting with your significant other, and the first five words that leave their mouth during the heat of an argument is, “you need to calm down.”  How often do you think someone calms down after being told that?  Not often at all.  Because you’re experiencing your emotion.  It’s the same concept for trying to cheer up your friends.  You may have good intentions in trying to lighten their mood, but how effective do you think it is?  Probably not very effective.

  When I first read this image on Facebook, I was happy that someone could draw this conclusion from a children’s series.  This is from Winnie the Pooh.  We all have seen the theories that every character in Winnie the Pooh represents some form of mental illness, whether it’s anxiety, OCD, ADHD, or depression.  Not all of them are as obvious as Eeyore’s depressive mood in the cartoon.

   They just show him love.  Love doesn’t have to come in the form of a pep talk to try and boost someone’s confidence.  If we didn’t have the confidence to begin with, what makes you think telling us that we don’t have it, will magically give it to us?  “Happiness is just a state of mind.”  Yes, thank you, a state of mind that I seem to have the inability to reach.

Read: Life with Generalized Anxiety

  Now hear me out, I’m not saying that being in a depressive state is good for anyone’s health, but these emotions demand to be felt, not pushed aside and left to brew for another day.  Forcing positivity down on someone that’s depressed is like trying to shine light into a black hole.  We’ve all seen the first photo of a black hole this year! No light goes into that black hole.

See? No light to be had in there. Credit: NSF

It’s okay to say that there is a brighter side. But don’t make it seem like someone is wrong for not being at that brighter side yet. Have patience with them. Be the supportive friend, but be there in the way they need you to be there.  Most of us don’t want life lessons if we aren’t readily asking for them.  Telling us that we could have it worse just belittles our feelings and makes us feel even worse about opening up in the first place.  Don’t give your friends reasons to shut themselves off if they’ve found the courage to open up.  Most of us just want a group of friends that will sit and treat us like we’re not fragile or treat us like we’re crazy for feeling the way we do.  Just show us love.

TEDxTalks: Mental Health and How it is to be Human

  If you didn’t know already, the month of May happens to be Mental Health Awareness Month.  I’ve spent a majority of my time re-watching TED talks on topics where the speaker has either dealt with a mental illness or has helped others with a mental illness.  It’s been an interesting journey for me since I’ve opened up about the things that have happened in my life.  Getting treatment for myself has only made me want to open the eyes of others who don’t understand how difficult living with a mental illness can be.

Read: Life with Generalized Anxiety - A guest post we had submitted to Sarah the Mindful Minimalist. It is about my life with generalized anxiety and how debilitating it can be when it’s at it’s worst.

Read: The Experience of Taking Psychiatric Medications - It was the last resort for me to ask for medications to help with my mood swings, anxiety, and depression. It’s been a long journey of trials and tribulations, but we’re getting there.

  What I’ve done here is pull together a few of my favorite TED talks for you to watch.  Going online and blogging about mental health to try and fight the stigma may seem like a daunting task, until you’re met with a community trying to do the same thing.  There has been so much progress in today’s society with how we treat mental illness and those who suffer from it, but it’s a slow-moving progression.  Hopefully a few of the words from these speakers resonate with you and open your eyes a bit more!

Sangu Delle: “Being honest about how we feel doesn’t make us weak - it makes us human.”

Sangu Delle witnessed the effects of opening up about having a mental illness.  He was approached by a friend who needed someone to confide in, and after knowing this, Sangu watched their friends begin to distance themselves.  Why is it that boundaries are created often when we find out that someone suffers from “being mental”?

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Eleanor Longden: “Sometimes it snows as late as May, but summer comes eventually.”

At first the voices were easy to ignore, but as they began to start giving commands and become more hostile, Eleanor opened up to a friend that told her to seek medical attention. After being diagnosed with schizophrenia and having difficulties managing her symptoms, she learned that there were more to the voices than what they were saying. Now she advocates for those who suffer from auditory hallucinations to take advantage of the voices and see if they have another meaning.

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Kevin Breel: “What you fear the most isn’t the suffering inside of you, it’s the stigma of others.”

Kevin Breel is your typical outgoing, energetic, stand-up comic that had two worlds: the one that everyone saw, and the one that he experienced behind stage.  Why is that we are so quick to send flowers and pay hospital visits to our friends who experience physical illness, but we are quick to run the other direction and place judgment when it’s a mental illness?  He encourages us as a community to stand together to help those in need, because we are stronger together.

Everland: Korea's Largest Theme Park

  It’s been so nice having warmer weather here in Korea.  I work the night shift so I haven’t grasped the concept of spring blooming until a few days ago when I walked the doggies outside while there was daylight.  This was a special treat for Sean and I. Not only have I been feeling way under the weather, but also because we finally decided to break our routine of café hunting and make our way to Everland! Click here for discounted tickets to Everland!

There’s something for everyone at Everland!

  I heard about Everland for the first time from my realtor when she took her kids there last summer.  At first, I thought it was just a water park, but when I looked it up it was more than that!  Everland has a theme park, a water park, and a zoo!  The admission fee for both Sean and I was cheaper than one Disneyland ticket!  You can get a discounted price by clicking here, saving you almost $15 on the ticket if you buy it online ahead of time!

  During our visit, we went to see the tulips in the European Adventures area of the park, and of course to check out some of the rides that they had to offer.  Every year they host a tulip garden and a rose garden.  If you want to see a large selection of flowers but aren’t willing to make your way all the way to the Taean Tulip Festival then it’s worth it to visit Everland.

Take a gander at that drop on the rollercoaster in the background!

  Everland happens to house the world’s steepest wooden rollercoaster.  It took us all day to make our way through the park to get there, but I can honestly say it was worth the hour wait in line.   It. Was. Intense.  Sean made us ride in the back so we would get the full experience of the drop at full speed and good grief… I feel like I was falling out of my seat.  You only get a seatbelt and another fitted bar across your lap.  You feel like you’re going to fall out on every drop you hit.  For a wooden rollercoaster, it’s definitely a 10/10 for me.

  The next time we visit, we’ll be visiting the water park side of Everland called Caribbean Bay, so make sure you keep a look out for that adventure!

How does it compare to Lotte World?

  I’m not going to lie, I didn’t enjoy Lotte World as much as I thought I would, so that’s probably why I haven’t written a blog about it.  Lotte World is definitely geared more toward younger children.  I’d say that Everland is more family friendly if it comes to having various ages (young children to teenagers) in your family.  I’d say that the park is definitely more aesthetically pleasing to the eye, meaning it’s better kept than Lotte World is.

  Everland is definitely something you’d want to check out during the months that are in between the extreme weather months, so spring and autumn.  Lotte World would be better for going during the extreme weather months since they have indoor attractions as well.

As far as pricing goes, you can get Lotte World tickets for 33,000 won using this link [click], and Everland tickets for 37,000 won using this link [click].

How does it compare to big corporate theme parks like Six Flags and Disney?

  I’d easily compare it to the older Disneyland.  There are definitely enjoyable rides which also include virtual reality rides.  The aesthetic of the park is broken up like it would be in Disneyland, but they’re geared more towards different areas in the world rather than cartoon towns.  Their gift stores showcase characters of the park like Disney would.  As far as Six Flags, there’s definitely no comparison in rides.

Nitty Gritty of the pros and cons of Everland

  It’s affordable ticket prices make enjoying the park so much better.  You’re not having to save up a crazy amount just to take your family out to a theme park.

  The food in the restaurants are absolutely scrumptious, and well-priced.  When we bought a two 19,000 won meals, they were well worth their price.

  There are so many snack bars around the park, that are also very affordable.  It doesn’t cost you $15 for a regular drink that’s mostly ice like it would in the states.

  There’s a zoo in the park where you can pet wild animals.  I mean, come on…

They have different galleries showcased there! We’re unsure of how often it changes, but the one we went to featured an interactive kaleidoscope art piece!

  If you drive there, the parking is free!  There’s a shuttle bus that runs from the parking lot to the entrance of the park as well, so you don’t have to walk back and forth for very long distances.

  The park has a lot of steep inclines, so going up and down with strollers and small children may not be the easiest, but there are gondolas that can take you from different places to the park so you don’t have to walk the entire length of the park if you’re just trying to get to a certain zone.

  Overall, we’d highly recommend this park for families with children, or even if you’re just a couple!

10 Fun Date Night Ideas For Any Budget

It’s important to keep the love life live, so doing new fun activities is essential for every relationship!

My husband and I have been living separately since we started dating. Back when I was still in college, I lived across the state from him, and sometimes we were a hemisphere apart. It was never easy to go on dates or be together. Our dates usually consisted of dropped or lagged Skype calls, and a lot of WhatsApp message notifications. The days that we did spend together, we had to make the most out of it. We would jam pack a few months in at a time. You could tell it would take a toll on us as soon as we had to leave each others side. Now that we’re somewhat much closer to each other, and more financially stable, we visit each other every weekend, and still make the most of our time.

Related: How To Stay Close ; Surviving the Distance

Whether you live together and see each other every day, or you’re miles apart, it’s always important to work at your love.

There’s no excuse to let your love life die because you’re just not trying hard enough anymore. You have to keep courting your partner because it shows you still appreciate them the way you did during the honeymoon phase. Everyone knows that the phase doesn’t last forever, and you get more comfortable with each other, but that’s why it’s so important! Here are a few ways that Sean and I keep our life together interesting!

Movie dates at home or at the theater

We really enjoy watching movies, but I really enjoy watching them in the comfort of my own home. Mainly because I talk a lot and ask a lot of questions (yes, I’m the annoying one, hush), but also if I get bored, then I can get up and do something else. Sean will continue watching, and then just catch me up when I come back asking a million questions. The only reason I like watching movies in the theaters here in Korea is because they’re more than just a theater. It is truly an experience to go to the movies here with all the random things inside the theater that you can do while you wait. Lastly, their popcorn is the bomb.com. It’s always nice when it’s free ninety-nine at home, but it’s also nice to spend a little cash on a real date to the movies.

Eating out at fun new restaurants pretending we’re Michelin reviewers

The budget can vary on this one depending on whether you do want to eat at a Michelin Star restaurant or if you want to eat in a dive bar. Sean and I usually pick a few pricey places to eat every now and then just because we rarely have the opportunity to dress up. If we do a staycation (stay tuned), then we’ll get dressed up and eat at a nice place. If we’re just at the mall or out in the city, we’ll look up recommended places to eat in the area and review it ourselves. Like Sean has mentioned in his introduction [click!], he values food. Meals is where people connect and learn about each other, so it’s very important to us to be able to communicate over a nice meal.

Staycations in hotels near our home

We love staying in hotels because it allows us to just enjoy each other’s company without having to take our fur children out, or having to cook or clean. Sean does a wonderful job finding 5-star hotels for cheap using the site hotwire.com. We call it “hotel roulette” and it’s probably the most daring game we play every time, because we never know what we’re paying for. So far, it’s worked wonders for us because we always end up in a beautiful hotel. We order room service or go out to their restaurant, and then we usually end the night with some drinks from the lounge bar. We always say we’re going to go swimming in the morning, and it’s only happened once. But swimming can also be a fun side date to your staycation!

Trips to Ikea to fantasize about the kind of home we want

Lately, we’ve been taking trips to Ikea, or even just online shopping for things to fill our home with. Recently it’s been a cute little four legged creature world where we’re trying to fill the house with beautiful things for our dogs. But when we go to Ikea, we’re usually there for hours just looking at the showrooms and saying things like, “this would be so great in the living room!” without realizing we don’t have a house to call our own. So fantasizing is all we have right now for a home. It’s nice to be able to imagine a home with your loved one because it gives you something to look forward to.

Playing video games we bought a long time ago

Sean buys a lot of video games. Sean lets a lot of time pass by before he plays the video games. Recently, we had bought Pokémon, and we were both stuck to our Nintendo Switches for hours on end. We would bond by showing each other what we caught, or how many badges we won so far. We would even battle each other online, (yes, I win each time). And no, he doesn’t let me win, I’m just better than him. Playing video games together can help you bond with each other by cheering each other on. It also brings the playfulness out in both of you which makes the entire memory a happy one. As long as you don’t let the game get the best of you that is!

Laying in bed still in our jammies binging Netflix

This is what we do most of the time when we’re at home. There have been days where we just both felt so lazy, and didn’t want to do anything but lounge around. We’ve gone entire mornings watching the same show, and we have to force ourselves out of the house. I love finding a show that Sean and I can watch together, because we both like very different things. Our most recent addiction is The Good Place starring Kristen Bell. She kills it in that show, and we’re loving it! We also watch a lot of anime shows, and our favorite happens to be about food, Food Wars! I love this type of date because it’s free, unless you decide to be extra lazy and order takeout!

Going to different cafes for a coffee or ice cream

There are hundreds of cafes located in Seoul! Every time we pass by a nice coffee shop, we say, “we’ll check it out one day.” To be honest, that list has grown an exponential amount. We have had a lot of coffee since moving to Korea. We love different coffee places because there’s so many ways to enjoy coffee. Plus being in a different country, there’s always a new kick the coffee. There’s a lot of animal cafes here. So while you’re sipping on your flat white, you can be staring at a wallaby or a raccoon. Or if you’re into music, there’s a really neat vinyl café where you can enjoy your cup of joe and any record you want.

Riding the subway to a random location

Exploring your city can be very fun because you never know where you’ll end up! Today we found out that there was a neighborhood near us that has strips of boutiques and restaurants that we never would have found online. You get to run into cool historical places, random knick-knack stores, and beautiful sights. If you’re located in a city where there’s easy access to the subway, we suggest this, as long as you are safe doing it! Safety is our number one priority, so don’t venture out into a place you know may be dangerous.

Going to a fun location to take pictures together

There are days where I really feel myself and how I look. On those days, I tell my husband that I’m going to get all dolled up and we’re going to go do a spontaneous photoshoot around the city. It’s taken a lot of time to build up my confidence of going out in public and posing in front of the camera, but it’s one of the most fun things we’ve come across. Since we’re both into photography, it helps us push each other to grow in our talent. This date is great because you get pictures for all of your memories and you can use them to fill your idea house from Ikea ;). It doesn’t even have to be a fancy camera! Just pull out your smart phone and snap away.

Road trips to different countries

We take a lot of road trips. This type of date is more like a vacation, and it doesn’t always have to be expensive, but it definitely is the most expensive one out of all the ideas. Road trips can be fun because you really get to know your partner. What else are you going to do while you’re sitting in a car for hours and hours with nowhere else to go? You are forced to talk to each other, unless you’re a crappy co-pilot that falls asleep! Shame on you! Being on road trips is fun for me because I love to sing in the car, and my husband has to put up with my awful singing. It ties in almost all of our ideas from food, photography, and hotels. When planned out correctly, it can be ballin’ on a budget!

Date night doesn’t always have to mean getting dolled up and going out. Date nights are for you and your partner to spend quality time together - whether that’s in a nice suit or your birthday suit. The key to a successful relationship is communication.