Guest Post: My Life with Bipolar 1

It was in the summer of 2017 that my life changed. I went from being this happy, hopeful mom who had no idea what was about to hit her. In that moment, I was enjoying each day with my 2-month-old son and was, somewhat reluctantly, preparing to go back to work as a high school Spanish teacher.

Out of nowhere, with no warning or apparent reason, I started having symptoms of postpartum depression. I began having intrusive thoughts and fears that I wouldn’t dare say out loud, especially not to another person. I was being tormented by my own mind, but couldn’t ask for help for fear of losing my husband and son. Though looking back now, I can obviously say that I shouldn’t have been worried about such things, but in that moment, my fears were real.

I shortly asked for help from family and eventually saw a doctor and counselor who began treating me with postpartum depression and anxiety. It made sense; I had just had a baby. However, this diagnosis was not correct. Over a year and a half later, I was finally diagnosed correctly. I have bipolar disorder, bipolar 1 to be specific.

I’m currently going on almost 2 years of dealing with a mental illness, and the doctors still have not found the right medication for me. I’ve taken medications that make me sick, medications that come with severe risks, and medications that simply don’t work, and here I am in 2019 still trying to find a solution. The issue with bipolar disorder and medication is that there are so many options which practically makes it a guessing game as to which one will work for each person. I’m currently on number seven, but I’m not giving up hope.

Instead I’m focusing on better educating myself and others about life with bipolar, what it is and what it isn’t. The stereotype most people think of when they hear “bipolar” is someone who goes from being happy to sad or angry within minutes or who will react suddenly and change on the spot. That simply is not accurate. Most people with bipolar go through cycles of mania (or hypomania for bipolar 2), depression, and stability, though not all are lucky enough to cycle through stability. These cycles, or episodes, can last anywhere from days to years, but it’s not the minute-by-minute change people make it out to be. I, personally, am considered a rapid cycler, someone who has four or more manic or depressive episodes a year. My norm at this point in life is to experience 2-3 weeks of mania and then 2-3 weeks of depression, though it’s not always that predictable.

So what is the difference between bipolar 1 and 2? This is something I’m still working out myself. You see, for a while, I was convinced I had bipolar 2, but I was recently diagnosed with bipolar 1, which was a huge shock to me! Bipolar is similar to Autism in the fact that it’s a spectrum. Some people are classified as having bipolar 1, some bipolar 2, and some not otherwise specified (NOS). The main difference between 1 and 2 though is the mania. People with bipolar 2 experience a more mild form of mania called hypomania, whereas people with bipolar 1 experience a more severe form of true mania. What made my bipolar 1 diagnosis so shocking to me is that I don’t exemplify some of the typical bipolar 1 symptoms, such as euphoria, excessive spending, or common types of risky behavior. What I’ve come to learn though is I experience dysphoric mania, a type of mania that is mixed with depression, also called a mixed episode. When I am in a state such as this, I experience great depression and irritability alongside extreme energy and urgency to do things, often attempting to solve the problems I am experiencing. This is a particularly dangerous episode to have because it’s a combination of both the mania and depression.

The interesting thing about bipolar is that, when in depression, it makes it seem like I will never get out of it. The same goes for when I am manic; I feel like I could never be depressed again. Like many others with bipolar, I question my diagnosis and often feel like nothing is wrong with me. The seriousness of this is that many with bipolar stop taking their medication and eventually spiral back down to a dangerous place. I, myself, have done this.

What has helped me the most, apart from medication, has been regularly attending weekly counseling and DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) skills classes. Working with my counselor has helped me tremendously to understand what is going on inside of me, how to regulate my feelings, and how to interact better with others. In my opinion, seeing a counselor or therapist is of utmost importance for anyone dealing with a mental illness.

Even though I am still living with bipolar and continue to cycle from one episode to another, I am continuing to fight for a better life and for better mental health awareness for others as well. Even on the worst days, I try to remind myself that there will be good that comes from this illness. I will not let it be in vain; I will not let it win. My story will be used to bring hope and comfort to all who hear it, so that no one will go through this alone.

Bio: Sarah Ramírez, also known as The Mindful Minimalist on her social platforms, is a work-at-home-mom and blogger/YouTuber. She shares about her journey with minimalism, gentle parenting, healthy eating, and mental health.

If you’d like to see more of Sarah’s work, check out her blog and social media platforms here:

Blog: www.sarahthemindfulminimalist.com

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCUiVntqj3UagzFhtl7Vhrpg?view_as=subscriber

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When Silence Speaks More Than Words

  You'll have days that throw you off balance, and make you feel like the ground is being pulled from beneath you. Those days where you wake up and you can feel every ache and pain in your body, but it's not from something that you did physically, but what you feel emotionally. The debilitating pain of something that's grasping at your heart so badly that it makes you feel sick to your stomach.

  It could be from anything. It could've been something that happened yesterday. It could be something that's been happening over a period of time. It could be something that you've tried so hard to lock away, but something just unleashes every memory. Sometimes we wake up remembering events from our past that made us feel so small and vulnerable, that you have to really dig deep to remember that you're valuable and that you mean something. Sometimes we can be overcome with regret because we never got closure from something that made us hurt.

  Sometimes you just let your emotions get the best of you, and you can't figure out what words go together to best describe what you're feeling. Maybe that's because sometimes, there are no words that can describe what you're feeling. Maybe because sometimes sitting in silence and letting the feeling surpass you is the only way you can get through it.

  Sometimes not speaking sets the tone of your feelings in a way words couldn't. Words spoken with emotion carry such weight, that even when the moment has passed, it's something you can't take back. Is it better for us to continue to explain ourselves, and have bigger misunderstandings, than it is for us to sit quietly and reflect on the situation? When one speaks to us, we must listen to understand, not to reply. But when one is quiet, we must sit and try to understand, why that person is at a loss for words.

"Silence saves you from looking like a fool - because if your silence is not enough for people to realize that something is wrong - will your words even matter?" - Rania N.

A Special Reminder to Myself

You got this girl. 

Sometimes you feel like the world is against you,

And maybe sometimes it is, but most of the time it isn’t.

The voices in your head tell you what you don’t want to hear,

They tell you you’re not good enough,

That there’s nothing you can do to make things right,

That everything bad that’s happened is your fault.

You are good enough.

You have mended things.

Not everything is your fault.

Your heart hurts day and night,

And longs for people who are no longer here.

But they are;

They’re in your memories, the ones that bring

Tears to your eyes, or a smile to your face.

There’s strength in that.

Not everyone can endure guilt and grief like you have,

And still have enough to want to give love to others,

To care for others, to heal, nurture, and guide others.

Yet here you are, doing exactly that.

It’s okay to be weak, and it’s okay to be vulnerable.

The world will keep spinning even if it’s not on your shoulders.

Remember you always have people that love you,

And will be there to help stand you up.

Today is a rough day.

But you’ve made it through this day, nine years in a row.

There is no time limit on grief, and it comes and goes,

But it never stays for too long.

Don’t let it stay for too long.

You’re too strong for that. So be strong.

He’s looking down on you.

So make him proud of you.

Show him that he taught you how to love hard,

How to love wholeheartedly,

How to love genuinely,

And how to be kind and gentle.

That’s what he would’ve wanted.

Hellblade: How a Game Helped Me Understand My Wife

If you haven’t read my wife’s blog on her auditory hallucinations, you should read it prior to reading this blog.  It can be found here. 

As you’ve read, my wife experiences auditory hallucinations, and it’s been for some time now.  I just recently found out since it’s become more vocal in the past few months.  When I did, I didn’t see it as a big deal.  I came up with ways to help her when it became overwhelming.  My favorite was singing a song together, and it was a specific song.  So whenever I saw that it was too much for her, I would start softly with “ siiiiiiiing….,” then gradually get louder.  “Sing a soooooong.  SING OUT LOOOOOOUD.  SING OUT STROOOOOOOONG!!!”  And I’d sing louder and louder until it wasn’t bothering her anymore.  Plus, if I wasn’t there, it’d be something she could do that would help get her mind off of it. 

It’s easy to tell someone not to listen to the voices in their head

At times, I can say “it’ll be okay” and tell her to “just ignore it”, but it’d be very difficult for her to do so.  I can tell her it’s not real but it is to her.  For anyone who isn’t experiencing these hallucinations, it’s probably hard for them to understand what my wife is going through.  I can sympathize with her, but not empathize.

In order for me to truly understand something I have to experience it.  I may be a very understanding person, but this is something that is completely new to me.  I researched and read everything I could on it.  During my search, I remembered that there was a game that featured something similar to what my wife was experiencing.  The game is called “Hellblade: Senua’s Sacrifice,” and it’s a game that I’ve been wanting to play that I never got around to.  I thought that now would be the perfect time to do so.

How a game taught me about mental health

The game focuses on the heroine, Senua, and like my wife, she experiences auditory hallucinations (among other hallucinations).  Her goal is to save her lover’s soul from hell and fight her literal demons on her journey there.  The crazy part of this game is that IF YOU DIE TOO MANY TIMES, YOU LOSE ALL YOUR PROGRESS AND START FROM THE BEGINNING. This is no joke, I put that in caps for a reason. They will delete your game if you die too often, and the difficulty is intense at times.  It’s beautiful, gripping, and challenging. 

The best way to play this game, and the way I would recommend you play, is with headphones.  It’s truly an experience more than it is a game.  You’ll hear all the voices she hears, and according to my wife, it’s pretty accurate.  The game is very well researched and there’s even a special included on mental health.  While you’re playing, sometimes the voices will help, and sometimes they’ll instigate.  Sometimes they warn you, but the majority of the time, they bring you down.  From what I gathered from the game, it’s hard not to trust the voices when some of the things they say are true.

This game was a way for me to see what my wife is going through, and though it isn’t real, it’d be scary to think if it was.  What I remember most about this game is my wife telling me the type of voices that scare her.  So for me to truly understand what my wife is going through, I don’t think I ever will.  But by playing this game and opening my eyes to what life is like to experience auditory hallucinations against my will, I believe that I have learned so much more than what I am able to read online.

I’d recommend this game to anyone who is interest in learning about auditory hallucinations, or anyone who wants to play an overall good game.  The trailer can be found here, and a review from IGN can be found here.  If you’re experiencing auditory hallucinations, or any type of hallucinations, feel free to let us know and tell us how you cope.  Not only that, but let us know how others could help.  Sometimes, your support chain just isn’t sure what to do and could find this information useful.  There’s no judgement here, and I thank you for sharing.

The Experience of Taking Psychiatric Medications

I was afraid to try it because I was ashamed of what people would think of me if they found out…

  “I hate him because he’s always so freakin’ happy… Always smiling that cheesy smile…”  It’s hard to see others be so naturally happy when you’re just naturally sad.  It all seems like it’s some crazy fantasy; to imagine being that happy is a possibility for everyone… but me?  Why do I need help with it more than others do?

  It’s obvious that there is a stigma surrounding using psychiatric medications.  Movies often portray those with mental illness as people who cannot function “normally” in society and that we all belong in some asylum.  I’m here to tell you that there are many high-functioning people with mental illness, that’s to include myself.  Am I high-functioning?  I’m not really sure, I just want to feel special. Regardless of that, I take medications and I’m no longer ashamed. I’ll take my gigantic pill, very neatly organized pill box to work and pop it like it’s nothing.

  When you have cramps, or you strain a muscle, it’s so easily asked, “do you want some Ibuprofen?” or “do you want a Tylenol?”  When someone has a heart issue, it’s easy to place them on blood thinners or blood pressure medications.  All of which can be lethal in increased doses.  So why is it odd to hear that someone is on a medication that affects their brain?  Why are we suddenly treated like delicate flowers that will wither as soon as something presses against it?

  I take a couple of different medications that help control my mood and the symptoms that I get from my illnesses.  I’ve had to trial and error with other medications because some would make me feel sluggish, others would make me feel sick to my stomach, and others made my depression and mood swings much worse.  I feel like I’ve reached a point where I can take them without feeling awful.

  These things take time to make any change.  You start at low doses and work your way up to what helps you best.  It’s very important to not abruptly stop taking the medications because the repercussions could be much worse than the original signs and symptoms of your illness.  If you’re at your wits end with your mental illness, don’t feel shameful to ask your psychiatrist about medications that could best help you.

  There’s nothing wrong with taking medications.  It just means you’re intelligent enough to use the resources provided to you to help you feel a little bit better each day.

I ask that if I know you personally, to please do your best not to treat me differently. I have put myself out there bare bones to try and help reduce the stigma around mental illness. I have already accepted the fact that some of you cannot help it, so if that’s the case, please do not talk to me about it.

There’s this crappy situation that I have to re-write this blog due to a mishap while switching to our new layout. But I think it’s okay, because when I first wrote the blog, I was afraid to post it. It sat in my drafts folder for way too long. The things I wrote about had changed by then. In the previous blog, I focused on how the medications made me feel more than anything. I guess, this time around I have more to talk about, but I’ll try to include the content I can remember from the last post. I don’t understand the stigma behind taking psychiatric medications. I used to be so ashamed to ask for help, let alone medications… But starting them, I’m happy (haaa…) to say that they are starting to work. It was a rough first time go around. I’ll be more open on what I was taking as well.

My own experience in taking medications

I was first started on Effexor where I worked my way up to 150 mg. I felt nothing but nausea the entire time. Going on car rides was the most painful thing because it just made me want to yak all over the windshield every time. I was weaned off of Effexor, and started on Mirtazapine. Mirtazapine is something I still take, and it makes me the groggiest person in the morning. I always feel super slow and super heavy when I wake up. Sometimes I feel like I’m coming out of sedation. It makes going through my work day really difficult, although I do get some pretty legit sleep out of it.

On top of Mirtazapine, I was started on a low dose of Propranolol. It’s typical use is for cardiac medications, but at low doses, can be used to treat generalized anxiety. So far, it’s been very helpful in keeping my anxiety attacks at a minimum, and I have less time spent trying to “catch up with my heart”.

As you may have read, I also hear voices. I have become open about having auditory hallucinations, and if you want to call me crazy, then do it. But fair warning, you should never mess with crazy people, especially the ones that hear voices, ;). So I was started on a low dose of Abilify. I was extremely hesitant to take this medication since it is an anti-psychotic. It made me feel like I had officially been diagnosed psycho - which wasn’t the case. There’s a lot of things that have happened in my life that have required me to push the emotions down into a deep, dark box… That box was let open little by little, and everything started to pour out of me. Abilify really helps keep these dark thoughts in check.

Be patient, they don’t work instantaneously

The side effects are what will make you want to stop in the beginning. They’re awful, I’m not going to sugar coat that. You get nauseous, you can’t sleep, you get night sweats, nightmares, etc. The thing is, I was already having all of these symptoms before I started medications, so it’s not like it was any different. It was just more persistent. Nightmares got really intense to the point where I’d act out. Sean won’t tell you, but I’ve punched him in my sleep before, and he couldn’t do anything about it. But once you get past all of that, it’ll stop being as often, and you’ll start feeling better.

Break through the stigma

We’re so quick to offer Tylenol for fevers, Ibuprofen for sore muscles, and Midol for menstrual cramps. As soon as someone has something going on in their head, something you can’t see, then a negative stigma rises around it. The mind is the strongest organ you have. It’s ability to connect, retain, and create information… You’d be a fool not to take care of it the way you take care of every other organ. Just think of it as putting neosporin on your brain cells. Those synapses need some love too.

Don’t let anyone make you feel bad for seeking out treatment. I’m a very functional human being. I’ve gotten through nursing school, I’m a Commissioned Officer in the United States Army, and I’m a successful person. Don’t ever think that taking medications for your mental health will set you back.

You aren’t a fool for seeking help. You’re smart - because you’re utilizing the resources given to you to get better.