Getting a routine set for success

Some people may wonder how Sean and I are able to do so much with our time, and it’s honestly because we have a schedule. Before Maverick, Sean and I basically did our own things around the house, and whatever we needed to split, we’d split right down the middle. Now that we have Maverick, a routine has been the one thing keeping us together. You don’t need a kid to get a routine down though. Routines just help you keep track of your time to best manage whatever it is you have to do. So here are some tips on figuring out what kind of routine is best for you.

Know when you work best, whether you’re an early bird or a night owl

I know that most blogs will tell you that successful get up at the ass crack of dawn to do things, and personally, that’s what I do. But that’s not everyone! Sometimes people work and focus better at night, and that’s just natural for them. There’s no point in fighting the inevitable and trying to switch yourself to a morning person if you really like the stillness of the night. Find out what kind of person you are, and settle your routine that way. You’ll find that you’re way more productive if you stick to what’s natural for you.

Plan out your week and stick to it

Something I’ve started doing is planning out my days on Google Calendar and using a physical planner as well. This helps put things into perspective about what events I have going on that I can’t miss, and I can plan around that. This goes along with chores like doing laundry, house cleaning, and running errands. Sean and I have a white board on our fridge that has things that need to get done or things that need to get bought, and we’ll knock them out throughout the week when we make time for it. But seeing things in front of you helps keep you on track of your day, instead of just going about it mindlessly.

Pencil in times to exercise, even if it’s just for a 45-minute walk

Something that we try to stick to is going to the gym every afternoon, or at least getting in a 45-minute walk to have some mindful movement throughout our day. Mindful movement is good to keep your health in check and boost your immune system. It’s also shown to help refocus you when you’re doing movements that require both sides of your body to be coordinated, like walking. It’ll help connect both sides of your brain so you can think more clearly. Crazy, right?

Try to keep a balanced diet by eating at home, rather than fast food

It’s so important to try and have a balanced diet that you’re mostly cooking at home because it makes sure you’re getting all the vitamins and minerals that you need. Also, having fast food too many times throughout the week will lead to weight gain and sluggishness. Let’s be real, who has wanted to take a nap after eating a meal from McDonalds? I hate feeling the sluggishness after ingesting something that’s just packed with oil, and it just makes me feel icky.

Get good at saying no to things you can’t handle at that time

Something that I used to do was take on a lot of project leads, get involved in a lot of organizations, volunteer my time, etc. I was stretched so thin between those things and my personal life of marathon training, body building, and family time. There wasn’t any time to just sit down to wind down from the day and relax. So I started putting my foot down and saying no. Since I’ve started saying no to joining organizations and doing projects, I’ve had enough time to do things I’m passionate about like my blog, photography, and spending quality time with my son.

Cut the booze intake

Now I’m not saying you have to abstain from booze all together, but cutting out a few drinks can surprisingly help you focus more. Ingesting too much alcohol can lead to frequent headaches, fatigue, sluggishness, and everything else that comes with the hangovers, including wasted time. Cutting out booze can help boost your self-confidence, give you more energy and focus, and improve your overall health. So this holiday season, try to take it easy on the booze at the Christmas parties. That way when Christmas morning and New Years Day comes, you’ll be able to get up early and actually enjoy the day with family.

Holiday triggers and how to cope

It’s the happiest and merriest time of the year, so why is my anxiety through the roof? Have you ever asked yourself this when those “-ber” months come around? You know, September, October, November, December. In the Philippines, the -ber months are considered the Christmas holidays, just for those who didn’t know, lol.

But if you’ve been this person who gets more anxious during the holidays, it could be from anything that triggers you to remember a traumatic memory, or the anxiety of reuniting with people who have hurt you emotionally, physically, or mentally. These can exacerbate emotions that you used to be able to control throughout the year. They can also give you physical symptoms of anxiety such as racing heart, high blood pressure, dizziness, or even nausea. Either way, there are exercise you can do to practice controlling your emotions and reactions to these triggers.

What are some things that can be triggering during the holidays?

Booze

Did you know that alcohol consumption is almost 70% higher in the last two weeks of December than the rest of the year? Isn’t that some wild statistic? But that comes to no surprise. As merry and gay as everything is, alcohol is a top item to be gifted during the holidays. Whether it’s in an actual gift, or bringing it to a house party. The infamous eggnog, gluhwein, and champagne make their appearance throughout the months of November and December. It’s hard to escape, and the peer pressure to drink is heavy.

Food

There’s no mistake that starting the holidays with one of the most glutinous days, Thanksgiving, makes it hard for those who are in recovery for an eating disorder. Booze isn’t the only thing that increases during these festive months. Cookies, pies, cakes, and other desserts make their appearance, along with other fatty foods. Recovery is hard when you’re pressured to eat more. It’s even harder when you have your old aunt Karen breathing down your neck on how fat or how skinny you’ve gotten since she last saw you. A tip this holiday season is to just not comment on anyone’s weight. Mind ya business, or I’ll eat you.

Loss or Loneliness

I’ve definitely felt the pain of missing a loved one on Christmas day. The first Christmas I spent without my brother, and the first Christmas I spent without my best friend Jacob. Whether you’re suffering from depression due to the loss of a loved one, or simply because you can’t be with family this holiday season… it can be rough. The best way I’ve combatted this is celebrating in their honor if they’ve passed. And there is always Skype when you’re a world away from each other.

Family

Sometimes we move away from home to get away from certain family members. And sometimes the holidays bring us back because we want to see only certain family members, so we put up with the ones we don’t want to see. Sometimes history of abuse can effect how your holidays go as well because of past memories. Research actually shows that sometimes people miss their abusers due to good memories of the holidays, and they forget about the abuse. Tell me that isn’t triggering!

How to handle the situations

Prepare yourself and identify your triggers

Ask yourself “what is it about the holidays that hurt you so much, and are there ways that you can possibly avoid it all together?” If not, make a small list of grounding skills that you can practice when you get too anxious. It can be particularly difficult to avoid all of your triggers when in America; the holidays seem to throw up everywhere with it’s songs, Christmas lights, holiday scents, foods, etc. If you’re riddled with anxiety, you’re almost likely to experience sensory overload as well. This all can be overwhelming. This is why grounding skills can be so important during the holidays. Whether it’s wearing ear buds to listen to your own music, using the 5-4-3-2-1 grounding technique, or having to splash water on your face to bring yourself back to center, do whatever works for you.

Set boundaries for yourself and others and stick to them

You are in charge of your holiday season, remember that. You get to decide who you see and who you don’t see. You get to decide which parties you want to attend, and when you want to leave those parties. You can set the standard for yourself if you feel safe to do so with your loved ones. Or if you don’t feel comfortable in telling your entire family, entrust someone with what your boundaries are so they can help you navigate the event. Whether that’s not being offered any alcohol, bringing up memories that are hurtful to you, or asking about your weight, you are allowed to have boundaries. And remember, you’re always allowed to leave if you feel uncomfortable, unsafe, and unheard.

Talk with your friends or your therapists to keep you grounded

Although holiday travel is common, that doesn’t mean your friends or your therapist can’t be reached. Luckily, in today’s age, friends are available at your fingertips via text. It probably wouldn’t be best to ring your therapist every 5 minutes during the holidays, but that doesn’t mean you can’t do a quick check in with them to practice some quick grounding techniques.

How therapy changed my life: A delve into my sorrows

I started therapy when I was a college student. I had gotten into an altercation with my roommate that caused her to move out. I had broken a door and punched a hole into the wall. I was an angry mess when I was younger. My issues always caused people to distance themselves from me. I had a lot of self-doubt and suicidal ideations when I was younger as well. My brother and best friend had committed suicide, I had moved a world away from my family, and I had no friends stateside.

I threw myself at boyfriends to gain some self-confidence which didn’t help me out. I got into physical altercations with some of my exes, that lead to heartbreak and even more self-doubt. I was cheated on multiple times, and each time I met the girl, it was harder for me to understand what the problem was: me. I was the problem for myself, always putting myself in situations that were undeniably toxic. I kept going back to the same guy even though he had physically dragged me out of our apartment because I was texting a guy about school. He was the guy that told me I was not ladylike enough and that I was lucky to have him. It was stupidity that lead me down that path. Blindness, ignorance, whatever it is that you want to call it. I got caught up in binge drinking and drugs that I shouldn’t have been taking just to take the edge off of me.

I’ve been beaten. I’ve been sexually, mentally, and emotionally abused by boyfriends and even someone that was supposed to be considered family. I’ve been mistreated and I’ve been down some rough paths that I wish I hadn’t gone down. I’ve been stalked, my medical records have been breached before. I’ve worried about my security, my safety, my son. I’ve even had to fight myself from hurting myself, my husband, and even my son.

All of this is why I got into therapy. Therapy helped get me out of these situations, and now I’m in a much better situation with my best friend, Sean, that helps me through everything. You don’t have to be like me where you post your entire life online, but you can seek therapy in confidence. Most benefit plans cover you to seek therapy, and if not, then there’s always things like Better Help or Doctors on Demand that you can pay for out of pocket. I know it’s a jump to say that everyone has the money to seek therapy, but there are so many other resources out there. I’ll try to list some later after some research of my own.

As many of you know, I’ve gone through Intensive Outpatient Psychotherapy. I was admitted to that for almost 6 months. I was also admitted to the inpatient unit twice for postpartum psychosis and once for suicidal ideation with intent. It took a long time for me to open up in therapy, but with the right therapist, and the right type of therapy, you can gain so much of your life back. You can work through the traumas that you’ve gone through, and you can work for a better future toward a better self.

It’s been a year and some change since I started intensive therapy, and I can say that I’ve gained so much of my independence back. There are still some things that I refuse to do alone, and there are times where I still lose my absolute shit, but I can say that I’ve come such a long way from last year. It helps me to know that I’m not alone with all of those who have been on this journey with me, and I thank you all for that. I thank you all for sticking through it with me, commenting, liking, and messaging me personally to say that my writing has helped you.

So here I am, a completely open book, ready to start a new chapter in my life as I transition out of the military. I’m ready to be a great mom, a great wife, and an even better friend. So, cheers to us. All of us. Because I’m bringing you all to the top with me.

The fork in the road when conflict is inevitable

“Conflict is a meeting place. It is a state of discomfort that reveals to me what I care about, what no longer feels acceptable, and the boundaries that need to be set... It is an opportunity to regenerate our relationships or allow them to come to an end. While communion is imperfect, moving through conflict shows us the core of our care.”

-Mimi Zhu

What it feels like when no one is listening to us

You know in the Goofy Movie, when Max is given charge of the map, and he has to make the decision on whether to go fishing or to the Powerline concert? Well, that’s the fork in the road that I’m talking about with conflict. As you can see, Goofy wasn’t too happy with Max’s decision, and it’s because Max lied to Goofy and made decision without him. There’s either communion where you come back together and work on a plan, or there’s separation, where it’s hard for both parties, but sometimes necessary. So let’s delve a little deeper into what conflict is before we get ahead of ourselves.

Conflict as stated in Webster’s dictionary, is a serious disagreement, usually protracted, meaning it’s more than just a lover’s quarrel. It’s not just a misunderstanding. It lasts longer, which allows you to sit in your feelings a little bit more to let them brew over and take hold of your entire being… You end up making harsh decisions like Goofy’s choice to drive off the cliff in previously noted GIF, (laugh, it’s good for you.)

Even though sometimes it may feel like you’re driving blind, there are good things that can come with conflict. As Mimi Zhu stated, it shows you what you truly care about. Most of the time when we’re in conflict, we end up saying, “I don’t even care anymore”. If you truly didn’t care anymore, than that wouldn’t give you a reason to be so angry. So take note that your extreme anger means that you care deeply about something with that person.

I wrote a blog a long time ago about “when it’s time to let go,” and it’s about conflict as well, but that’s past the fork that I’m talking about. Conflict, if done in a productive way where both parties are listening to understand, can end in communion and a stronger bond; if done in a way where both parties are feeling more emotion than logic, than it can end in a way where the bond is severed.

What to do when faced with conflict

So when you’re faced with conflict, remember that the best things you can do are to listen to understand, reply to articulate your thoughts but not to blame, and to try to come down your high horse if you think you’ve done nothing wrong.

1. Listening to reply means that you are letting the words and delivery get to you more than the meaning behind the words. Listening to understand means that you are trying to hear what the person is saying rather than how they’re saying it. Your partner is going to understand your body language more than they are your words if you come off aggressive, so keep that in mind too.

2. Replying to blame means that you didn’t listen to understand, but you’re pointing out their flaws more than you are understanding where they’re coming from. It’s all a part of active listening, which is a skill that needs to be learned. This also goes with body language, remain open, remain calm.

3. Being on a high horse like you’ve done nothing wrong is also blaming the other person more than accepting your own faults.

When to get a mediator

In conflict, it’s mostly misunderstanding which can be helped by mediator. If your conflict is too hard to manage without a mediator, I suggest getting a therapist or a friend who is able to be non-biased with you ~ your own personal Yoda. Don’t get someone like Pete from the Goofy movie who will put more bad biased thoughts in your head. A mediator is supposed to be able to understand both sides, and is supposed to be able to listen through the emotions and delivery to understand the words and the meaning. It’s hard to hear those things when you’re blinded with anger.

What to remember when you’re having a fight

If you didn’t care, you wouldn’t be fighting so hard for that person to understand. You obviously care a lot. Conflict shows that. It’s probably just a misunderstanding, or sometimes, it’s more like someone having to change their ways and grow into someone else. But you have to be willing to be there for that growth and to help develop it. You may not know, but you may also have some of your own growing to do. Remember, like Mimi said, communion is imperfect. It won’t always be an easy road, but at least it’ll be the right road.

Why the AAPI community needs more mental health leaders

As told by GIFs

I’ve been trying to look for Mental Health blogs dedicated to the AAPI community, and I’ve come up with maybe 3; 2 of which haven’t been written on in months. So I’m down to one, which is mine. Whoopsie Daisy. How is this a thing? With all that’s going on in the AAPI community because of COVID-19, how are there barely any AAPI mental health leaders out there? Well, I’ll tell you three reasons: stoicism, ungrateful guilt, and faith guilt.

Showing “weakness” brings dishonor to you and to your livestock

It’s like before Mushu rings the gong to bring the guardians to life. They want you to be a statue. Stoic. Stoicism is something that’s greatly encouraged in Asian cultures. To show signs of weakness or mental strain just means that you can’t handle what you’re going through. If you are stoic, it shows that you are strong, and indifferent to the things that are supposed to make you feel negatively. The hardships that our elders endured are different than ours, and “if they go through it, we should get through it too.” But that’s not the case. We all have different struggles, and it’s okay to show your vulnerability. It is okay to not be okay.

You are so ungrateful!

I just recently learned about the kind of life my grandmother lived when she was younger, and to be honest, I think everyone should have a huge respect for her after everything she endured. As a 2nd generation child of the United States, I’ve been blessed to have a roof over my head, a warm bed to sleep in, clean clothes to wear, and food to fill my belly. If that’s the case, then why am I still so depressed when I have such a “good life” and everything that I could ever want? This is why some people won’t seek mental health help. They’re so used to hearing, “you should be grateful for everything you have,” that they discredit their actual mental health/illness. It’s becauses they feel guilty for feeling this way. But you shouldn’t feel guilty even though you have everything. You’re still allowed to feel the way you feel, and to seek help. It’s okay to not be okay.

Just pray, and He will answer all of your prayers

In a culture that believes that prayer can heal and solve everything, you may be discouraged to seek any other help other than His. It’s very common in the Filipino culture to give “everything to Him and He will heal all.” So it may feel like your mental illness/suicide ideations are a sin. It’s hard to not feel guilty when someone tells you that suicide is sinful, and that you shouldn’t be thinking that way. It’s not helpful to your mindset, and it may make you feel like there is something wrong with you. Don’t feel this way. Continue to seek help and refuge in your fellowship if faith is something that is a pillar for you. Mental illness is not a sin, folks. Don’t hide it. Open up and ask for help. It is okay to not be okay.

We need more leaders.

If you’re an AAPI person, you’ve probably experienced one of these three things in your lifetime. Especially during a time where you were having trouble putting a smile on your face. If you have experienced it, comment or like. Show that we aren’t alone in this. The more awareness we raise for mental health/mental illness, the more it gets talked about, the more it becomes a norm, and the more people seek the help they need. So… get to it friends. Comment, like, talk, share, etc. Let’s go.