To the ones who gave up on me; to the ones who left

I hope that you regret the day you gave up on me.
The day that I was too much crying, too much sobbing, too much energy.
The day I was too erratic, or ecstatic, or just plain bubbly.

You said I wasn’t feminine enough, I wasn’t woman enough.
But here I am standing in my femininity,
Not because my hair is done, or my nails are did.
But because my values and my character can’t be hidden.

I can be loud and obnoxious.
I can be soft-spoken and shy.
I can be extroverted and friendly,
or I can be scared and just hide.

I feel so much energy, probably more than you do.
I carry the weight of so much burden,
to myself I try to stay true.

And I’m a little bit broken, and a little bit lost,
But with a little bit of patience,
I’ll be better,
No, I’m not a lost cause.

But no matter what I am, and no matter what I do.
I’m glad you left me,
Because I’m too good for you.

I found this in a journal of mine when we had to talk about our past and things that we regret. Look, I don’t write poetry, and I can agree that this was probably scribbled down while in a manic phase because that’s the only time I really write a lot. BUT - What I regret the most in my life was giving my time to people who didn’t deserve it. See, time is something you can’t get back, and once you’ve given it away, that’s it friend, it’s gone.

Well, it’s almost a new year, and I’m happy to say that I didn’t waste too much time on people this year. I spent a lot of my time reflecting on myself and what could make me a better person. I spent a lot of time assessing friendships and relationships that I already had, and debated a lot in my head on which ones were worth keeping and which ones were worth closing the book on. See, the thing is, all people grow, but that doesn’t mean you have to grow together. It can also mean you grow apart. That’s okay, that’s normal.

This poem was more so for the people who expected me to be different. The ones that were always expecting me to be strong and stoic; or the opposite, shy and scared. This is for the guys who wanted me to be more feminine and stand back on my views. This is for the “friends” who expected me to give everything and expect absolutely nothing in return, to include trust and honesty. This is for the “friends” that expected me to always be happy, when deep down all I wanted to do was feel my sadness.

I’m glad that I’ve surrounded myself with people who let me be 100% authentically me. I’m glad I have a following that supports my strive to end the stigma on mental health issues. I’m happy to know that I’m not alone in this struggle and there are others like me who also require a community.

This is my new years resolution: Continue to not waste too much time on people who expect me to be different than I am. Not waste time on being someone other than myself. Strive to be the best version of myself.

3 weeks being childless - the refresher we needed

Sean and I made the conscious decision to leave Maverick behind in Washington when we visited this past October. It was a last minute decision, but it didn’t go without us thinking through every detail we could. We decided to leave Maverick at home because we have to drive up from El Paso, Texas to Washington in a span of 6 days. Last time we did this roadtrip, Maverick got deathly ill with fevers hitting 105 degrees, which was a chain reaction to our past 2021 being spent at least 50% in the ER or admitted for fevers. We didn’t want that to happen again.

As much as we miss our baby boy, we were able to accomplish a lot during these first two weeks without him. Sean was able to certify in a UAS certification which most jobs are requiring in the civilian world. I was able to take some courses in lactation (this is the HARDEST for me to do!). We were able to rearrange the stuff in our storage to prep for our last big move! YAY! And I was able to decompress from my mental strains. See, I have a lot going on in my head, and every day is a battle against anxiety and depression for me. Maverick doesn’t always help my case, so being away from him helped me recenter myself.

Lastly, we were able to, most importantly, reconnect as partners rather than parents. It’s weird right? You wouldn’t think that we had to reconnect, but it turns out we did.

See, partners vs parents. They both have the same letters in them, but switched around, they mean such different things. Well, the relationship is different. You can be both, but Sean and I have been so engulfed in taking care of Maverick every day, that we let the partner side of things fall way behind the parent side of things. We forgot what it was like to hold hands, or kiss each other good night, or cuddle. Oh my gosh, cuddling with someone other than MJ! The thought! Hahaha!

We were able to reconnect and rekindle our love for each other. Not that we stopped loving each other, but we were able to appreciate each other’s value much more during this time. We spent time doing things that we wanted to do, which Maverick made it hard to do. So if you get the chance to take a few days away from your kiddos, and spend it with your partner, I’d recommend taking all of that time and spending it wisely. Don’t take it for granted. Because you never know when you’ll get another moment like this to appreciate each other. Sean does so much for our family, it’s nice to finally thank him for it.

I can’t wait to be holding my baby again soon, but in the mean time, I’ll hold my babes. Love you, Babe. Thank you. xx.

Lack of Self-Love

I have been really struggling with some self-kindness lately, and embracing the thought of me being beautiful. It’s not uncommon for a woman to experience these feelings after pregnancy, and it isn’t uncommon for it to last longer than the first few months. For me, it’s been almost two years of feeling “not like myself”. When I look back to four years ago, I ran my first marathon and was in the best shape of my life. Two years ago, I was deadlifting twice my body weight, and was also in the best shape of my life. Now, I don’t feel right in any of the clothes I put on. Even if it fits right, it doesn’t feel right. I’ve loss the sense of confidence that I used to have back in the day.

But you know, I just talked to a friend about it. She just had a baby, and the first thing that I said to her was to give herself some grace to heal, to fall into her new role as a mother, and to take the time for her new born baby. Bouncing back isn’t important. Supporting her is important. So why couldn’t I say that to myself? Is it because it’s been almost two years since I had my baby? Is it because I should have bounced back like celebrity moms or moms that have more time in the world for some reason (like seriously, where do you get that?) Or that I should look like the teenager who has never held a child in her stomach before? I feel huge standing next to people. I feel like I take up too much space in the world.

I’ve already written about my struggle with body dysmorphia. Ever since I was a young child, my weight would be talked about when meeting with relatives. “Ang taba mo na” (you’re so fat now), or having my eating disorder praised with “ang sexy mo naman”. Only to know it’s because I was eating only Honeycombs in the morning, and throwing up my food at night. Loving myself always came with an expense. An expense to my mental, emotional, and physical health. Now it’s even harder after experiencing postpartum psychosis, disordered eating, major depression, and anxiety. But you know what…

I forget that my body created life sometimes. I forget that what started out as something microscopic, turned into my 6.5 lbs son and a vital organ to support him. I’m lined with stretch marks to show that my body grew to make room for Mav. Maybe I have a little more on my hips than I used to, but it just helps cushion my body now. I carried more weight on my chest to provide nutrition for my son. And you know, my body is pretty freakin’ amazing for doing all of that. So I’m glad I wrote this… Because sometimes it takes writing it all out to realize what kind of positive thoughts can be buried by negative thoughts…

So if you’re feeling down on your self-image today, don’t. You’re beautiful. And your body does so much for you to make it through the day, so you should appreciate it, no matter what it looks like. It’s not like that’s what matters anyways. What matters is what’s inside your heart guys. Really. Skin ages. Bodies age. Hair turns grey. But what’s inside, doesn’t change. So take up space! Eat your food. Enjoy it all.

what i’ve learned being a mom

Nothing is ever going to go as planned.

  This is probably the most accurate thing I could say. You could plan for a storm, and there's still going to be something that you end up forgetting. Somehow, Maverick always finds a way to put a dent in our plans when doing something out of routine. He's gotten a little better about adapting, but on the days he doesn't want to be flexible, Maverick is as stiff as a board. He's stuck in the thought process that the world is ending, so he might as well make the most of it. So, be prepared, always be prepared. FOR EVERYTHING

Mother's intuition for a sick baby is very accurate.

  I'd say 99% of the time, before I even took Maverick's temperature, I felt him and just had an inkling that he was sick. Don't ever take your intuition for granted, because you know your baby best. If your baby seems off in the slightest to you, where baby isn't playing, interacting, or eating like normal, then you KNOW something is off. Even if it looks normal to others, you know it's not normal for you.

Toddlers have their share of bad days too.

  We often see a toddler losing their cool in a store, and the poor parent having to deal with them. That's the thing "deal with them". We look at toddlers like they are "bad" when they have these meltdowns, but in reality, toddlers have bad days just like you and me. They just don't know how to manage their big emotions, so it comes out as a tantrum. We have to remember that our little kiddos are human and that they can have bad days, but that doesn't make them inherently bad.

A routine can fix about 80% of your problems.

  I say about 80% because refer back to my first point, nothing ever goes as planned. Hahaha. But having a routine gives your toddler something to expect. We always do shower, dinner, walk, sleep. Every evening we've done that, and if we switch it up, Maverick ends up going to bed very fussy or is super hard to put down to begin with. When your toddler knows what to expect, transitions are a lot easier! No one likes a surprise. Occasional surprises are okay though when you're on vacation, or if Mickey Mouse is involved of course.

There's more to motherhood than wine memes.

  There is more to motherhood than bubble baths by yourself, without bath toys, and with a glass of wine in hand. I hate that as a society, we've resorted to wine as a coping mechanisms for mothers to feel like they can conquer the day. Since becoming sober, I've realized how much alcohol made it's way into our day to day life. At night, once Maverick is sleeping, we'd reach for a bottle of wine ASAP. Now that we don't do that, there's more to do with our time than to sit on the couch and drink. You don't need a wine glass to tell you that you made it through the day. Get more hobbies. (This sounds so condescending, but I promise that if you switch the bottle for a crochet needle, you'll have a blanket by Christmas. But in all seriousness, if you want to drink, go for it. But remember, you don't need it to prove your a tough mom that’s got it rough.)

Why every couple should do marriage counseling or retreats

I could count how many times on one hand Sean and I have had an argument this year that turned into a full out brawl. Actually, I don’t really need to count because there hasn’t been one this year, thankfully. It’s almost November too (yay!) Sean and I have worked very hard on the relationship we have with each other. It’s not been a walk in the park the entire 6, almost 7 years we’ve been together. We’ve definitely had our share of arguments, but after attending couples therapy and a retreat, we’ve gotten a lot better at communicating our needs. Here are some great reasons why you should also take a step in that direction if you think your relationship needs some spice.

Counseling doesn’t mean that there’s something wrong, but it does help grow your relationship.

Learn each other’s love language

Do you know what your love language is? There’s a total of five different love languages, and everyone has their own. My love languages are Acts of Service and Words of Affirmation. I communicate best through words, I take words very seriously. I also like that Sean will clean up after himself (most of the time), and will help with chores around the house. I love that he especially helps with Maverick. Sean’s love language is Physical Touch and Gifts. He loves to give gifts, and he loves to hold hands and hug.

Though physical touch is my last love language (for personal reasons), I am still willing to fulfill Sean’s needs because it’s only fair that if he communicate in my love language, I communicate in his. We didn’t always see eye to eye before when it came to the way we love, so we were always wondering why nothing was ever getting through to the other. Now that we know, it’s been a lot easier to pat Sean on the head while listening to him tell me I’m pretty.

It’s important to have an equal give and take with communicating in love language. You can’t only communicate in one person’s language.

Open and honest communication is so important

When going through therapy, it’s important that you don’t hold anything back. If something is bothering you, than you should speak up about it in a cordial manner. Not one where you’re necessarily putting blame on your partner, but telling them how it effects you is important. It’s common sense, if you don’t speak up about it, they’ll never know. No one here reads minds, no one is a psychic (unless you are, then come see me in the comments), and no one can guess what you’re thinking. It’s not fair to say, “they should just know.” Because how would you feel if they said that to you? BE FAIR and OPEN UP. Give them a chance to right their wrongs, instead of blaming them for doing something annoying and they don’t even realize it’s annoying.

Non-bias point of view

Having a therapist there is perfect because they are the mediator for you and your partner. They have a non-bias opinion on both of your stances in the relationship, and they’re solely there to help guide your conversation. They’re able to spot faults in communication, and they’re able to help give you solutions on how to fix them. You should never try to make your therapist take your side over your partner’s because that would defeat the entire purpose of couple’s therapy.

Strengthening connections that are already there

Chances are that you and your partner already have so much in common. That’s probably the reason you’re together now! If you both like dancing, then go out dancing instead of staying in. If you’re both into food, then book yourself a nice 7-course meal and act like Michelin snobs at the restaurant, only to grab McDonald’s afterwards. If you’re lucky (HA) to be in the Army like us, there are programs such as Strong Bonds with the Chaplain that take couples on retreats to beautiful places. We were lucky to go to one in Korea, and we were able to stay at a 5 star hotel for free. They had classes on communication and love languages, and then the rest of the time was free to hang out. You should really look into it!

No matter what you decide to do, remembering that you are part of a team is the key to a successful relationship. Although it is important to maintain your identity and your individualism, you’re in a relationship to contribute to the growth of your partner and yourself. Good luck, and I hope this helps!