Jumping into parenthood: finally a party of just 3

We were really fortunate to have so much help from Sean’s parents last year. Due to COVID, my MIL and FIL’s stay was thoroughly extended to 9.5 months of help. This benefited us in being able to keep Maverick from enrolling into daycare at what seemed to be the faux-height of the pandemic. It also helped me a lot when I became anxious and stressed and sank into postpartum depression multiple times throughout the year. Now that we’ve welcomed a cousin into the picture, we have had to pass on our help elsewhere.

The most recent vacation we took was an extensive 5-day road trip from West Texas to Southern Washington. It was probably the longest 10-days (there and back) of my life. Confined to a car crammed with stuff, sitting next to my baby while he has Cocomelon on blast, my husband has music playing, and Maverick just screaming at the top of his lungs to come out of his car seat. It was not at all what I had expected the journey would be. Maverick used to sleep soundly in his car seat, but for whatever reason, he decided to change that Day 1 of vacation.

I’ve definitely had to strengthen my left arm lugging him around the house while multitasking chores, making myself coffee and lunch, and picking up all the things around the house. He’s in this phase where he’s on extreme stranger danger and is clingy as all hell to me. The moment I try to set him down I can feel his toes and his fingers sink into my skin for dear life, as if the floor was lava and he actually knew that it would swallow him whole.

Parenthood without help is not easy. I applaud all the parents, moms and dads, that do this on a daily basis. This stay at home thing is not for the feint of heart. I’m terrified about what the future brings because I know it’ll put distance between our family. Deployments are nothing new to Sean and I, but it’s definitely something that will be new to experience with a baby. I’m just hoping that everything works out in our favor, and we’re on our way home sooner than later…

Monachopsis: The subtle but persistent feeling of being out of place

There is your vocabulary word for the day, lol. We went over 2 emotions that people feel but have a difficult time explaining. This is one of those emotions that I strongly feel. I feel strongly out of place wherever I go. It doesn’t matter if it is in the work setting or seeing friends and family. I always feel like I am on the outside looking in. I don’t feel like I have a connection to anyone because everyone else has such strong connections to everyone else around me.

I wish I didn’t always feel like this. I feel like when you’re a military brat/personnel, you are supposed to learn how to mold yourself to fit in wherever you go, but I just decided to not fit in. And honestly, it’s tiring trying to fit in, so I’d rather isolate myself and not meet anyone period. It’s not healthy.

I am thankful for the group that I’m in now because I’ve met a lot of great people who are going through similar things, and I can now turn to them for help and support.

my homework this weekend was to wake up and think of 3 things i'm grateful for

Thanksgiving is known across the world as… Black Friday’s Eve, apparently. Isn’t it weird how we’re supposed to spend this Thursday being thankful for thinks we already have, and then go out the next day and blow all our money on things we most likely don’t need? So much for being grateful. This year I don’t want to go shopping. I really have never liked Black Friday shopping because I hate being around people. Anyways ~

This year I want to name three things I am extremely thankful for:

1. My family, to include my extended family. I am thankful for Sean and Baby Mav. They are the center of my universe. I love the way that Sean has transformed slowly into a daddy for Maverick. Always playing and teaching him new things, it makes me so happy. I love the way that Mav looks at me in the morning with just awe in his eyes. I usually feel worthless, but when I see him staring at me, I feel like I’m on top of the world. I’m also thankful for my extended family, especially my in-laws right now. They’ve helped us this entire year with taking care of Mav, and especially right now where I’m taking time to care for myself. They have been nothing but supportive and I can’t thank them enough.

2. My friends. I don’t have many friends. I can count my friends on one hand. But they’ve really helped pull me through some tough times throughout the year. I’ve had a hard lesson on what friendship is, and re-learning that it is a two way street. It’s a relationship that also requires a lot of trust and honesty. I’ve had a few breakups with friends that have really hurt me recently, but that makes me cherish the ones I have even more now. So thank you!

3. Myself. I know, that’s a weird one. After starting therapy and realizing that a lot of my issues stem from so long ago, I’m grateful for myself for making it this far. I’ve wanted to give up so many times, and I’ve tried to give up so many times ~ but I’m still here. My heart is still pumping (though very, very fast) I’m alive. I’m alive to see another day and to love my family and friends another day, and to try again to make things better. There are tough days and there are tougher days, but.. I’m tougher than all of it. Because I’m still here guys. And I don’t want to give up again.

Your turn, what are three things you’re grateful for?

talking with family, "there is no one that needs you more than your son."

Honestly, it’s pretty refreshing to talk to someone else about my issues. I called my auntie today because I was having difficulty putting my thoughts in order. It started out by me asking her how my grandpa was doing. He isn’t doing too well, and she mentioned that it might be time to head home to the Philippines when we can so we can say good bye to him. That was probably the hardest thing to hear. I had a dream about him last night that he was on his way “out",” and that’s what caused me to ask how he was.

Well, this conversation turned into a, “I have a story for you…” kind of conversation and I just opened up to her about so much stuff. All of the things I’m going through and how I got here. Well, she’s been checking up on me and the family often, and it’s been really nice to have someone in the family that I can be 100% authentic with and not be judged. Thank God my name is JacLYN, and her name is LYNette. I knew there was a reason.

i guess it's time to talk about my relationship with my mom

Last night I had a nightmare that my mom was following me around the airport, and I was trying to get away. I was trying to tell the person I was with that, “I don’t talk to my mom, I need to get some space from her while we’re here.” And every time I would try to move away from her, my legs just kept shrinking, they wouldn’t work. I couldn’t move anywhere. My husband told me that I was freaking out telling him that my legs didn’t work (out loud while we were sleeping in bed).

My relationship with my mom is on and off, but I think I’m finally going to say it’s probably at it’s wits end and will be for awhile. There are a lot of things that we don’t agree on, and how I was treated during my childhood and young adult years is one of them. The treatment and befriending of the man who is my primary childhood trauma is also something we disagree on completely.

There. It’s out in the open. My mother is friends with my child molester, and says that it’s because she thought I had forgiven him a long time ago. She tried to put it in an email saying that I forgave him, but I will be the first to tell you, that NO, I have NOT forgiven him, nor will I EVER forgive him. So I will not be talking to my mother while she is still friends with said man-child.

It’s hard. It’s hard to know that she was willing to take herself out of my life and my child’s life for the sake of her pride. The first grandchild from her children, and she’s totally fine with removing herself from the photo. That’s really fucked me up. Did my mom ever care about me?

I used to ask myself this question a LOT last year. Last year I reached out to my mother because I tried to overdose in Korea. She left me on read. The next time she contacted me was when she accidentally “butt dialed” me when she was trying to call my dad. Then she proceeded to call me the petty one for being mad at her for not reaching out to me. She blamed me. She said she had her own things going on.

Did my mom ever care about me?

This woman already lost a child once. Is she immune to pain if she lost another one? Is that why she didn’t reach out to me to see if I was okay? Is that why he was swept under the rug?

She asked me in an email, “you’re a mother, what would you have done? Put yourself in my shoes… Did you expect me to show up across the ocean?!”

Yes, yes I did expect you to show up SOMEHOW. Fuck, a reply message maybe in the beginning? A CALL? Fuck, I don’t know. Make sure I’m not dead maybe? Nothing guys. This is the woman who will sell life insurance using my brother as a sob story, but won’t check in on her psychotic daughter when she says she needs help.

No wonder I’m so fucked up in the head. Cats outta the bag. I’ve been holding onto this too long and my heart can’t take it anymore.