i have to confront myself about my looks

The past 3.5 weeks, I’ve been losing weight a steady rate. Part of it is because of the nausea from medications and part of it is from me just… making myself throw up. I’ve always struggled with the ideal of being a “skinny” girl, or even being the “too tan” girl. Personally, I think it is deeply rooted in the way that I was raised.

ang itim mo - you’re so dark

In the Filipino culture, you’re constantly criticized by your family and friends. “Ay Jakki, tumaba ka yata?” (Jakki, I think you got fatter?) “Jak, ang itim mo naman!” (Jakki, you’re so dark!) That was the normal conversation when greeted by family you haven’t seen in awhile. It’s almost engrained into your brain that you need to be thin and white to be considered beautiful. Morena (tanned skin girl) was never something I heard be considered beautiful. You wanted to be Mestiza or Chinita, a fair skinned girl.

Originally living in Hawaii, I was as dark as the red dirt that surrounded me. I was always out in the sun playing with my friends and having fun. Until one of my cousins introduced me to what Likas was. It was the infamous whitening soap widely used by everyone in the Philippines. They’d use it on their face and on their bodies, almost giving them an ill-appearance. Drowning in long sleeves, hiding under shade, applying copious amounts of sunscreen. It took me a long time to become comfortable being tan. Even now, I still hide from the sun if I can because I don’t want to be tan. I get anxious when my skin tone changes darker than my BB cream. It’s sad.

ang taba mo - you’re so fat

And with my weight, it’s always been something I’ve struggled with. I remember the jabs my family would throw at me, even if they were “playful”. Taba. (Fat) I hated that. I hated being called that, even when I was wearing a Size 0 pair of jeans. Taba, because my stomach hung over my shorts a little. Taba, because my cheeks were a little puffy. I hated it so much.

So when I moved to Japan, in my opinion, it got worse. I was surrounded by small Asian girls with fair skin and beautiful long hair. I was a American Size 2, but I wanted to be a Japanese Size S. Which surprisingly, are extremely different depending on where you shop. I wanted to be small. I wanted to move to Washington as the petite Asian girl who just came from Japan. And I was. If I had any photos of me back then, you could just see that my body was so much smaller. My collarbones stuck out. The gap between my thighs, Maverick could walk through if I just stood there. I was small, and I liked it.

In Germany I kept myself small by running an incessant amount for races. In Korea, I finally started to let myself grow. I ate much more, I lifted, I drank protein, I felt… healthy. I felt fit. This pregnancy though, really messed with my head. Watching myself grow was hard for me even though I knew that who I was growing inside was absolutely worth every pound. I didn’t eat much during my pregnancy. I ate a lot of salad and I ate a lot of fruits and veggies.

the problem now

9 months postpartum and I’m still struggling really hard. I lowkey enjoy that the medications make me nauseous so I don’t eat. It’s curbed my appetite, and I kind of like losing the weight. Even though I’m extremely weak and the way I’m losing weight isn’t ideal at all… Like Sean said, “it’s like opening the gates back up to an eating disorder.” I used to starve myself in Japan. I’d tell my family I ate while I was cooking for them and that they could go ahead and eat. If I did eat somewhere, I’d come back home and throw up. That’s when I learned how to apply foundation to hide the red dots on my face from the blood vessels bursting.

I am scared that I’m going back down that road, but in my head, I’m okay with it - and that’s the problem. I always said, “I can control it, so it’s fine.” Right now I’m not losing that much weight, so it’s fine. No, it’s not… I’m tracking my calories and activity to show myself that I NEED to eat, but sometimes it backfires and I get anxious when I see how much I’ve eaten. I’m getting help from it. I’m trying. I’m trying not to go back down that road, but right now, it’s what feels comfortable.

is it morally wrong to sit and watch people get manipulated just to save someone some face?

Honest question, and I would really like if everyone replied to this one in the comments. I am genuinely interested in seeing what people have to say about this situation right now.

You have a friend who has been going through some hard times lately. That friend is getting help now. But you notice a lot of the things that this friend says doesn’t make any sense, doesn’t add up, or just blatantly lies to people about their past life. Whether it’s for pity, for attention, or for whatever else kind of game they’re playing, what do you do to the others? Do you tell them that there is an imposter among us, or do you just let that imposter kill of the livelihood of these people with their manipulative lies?

Now see, I’m not usually the one to call people out on their shit when I see it happening in front me, especially if it doesn’t hurt anybody. But in this case, it is hurting people - to include myself and my good friend. It HURTS to see other people get DRAWN IN by this “cry wolf” scenario, especially when you know a lot of the back story, you know the truth, and it’s just fucking irritating.

I’m in therapy for me, but I think that this little “friendship” has gotten to the point where I cannot believe I lived in a lie for the last 1.5 years. How much have I been manipulated to think that all of these things were true? And you know what is crazy, is that a piece of me still wants to give benefit of the doubt and say that this person is just that fucking stupid to continue placing themselves in these dumbass situations…but ugh…

So - WHAT DO YOU DO? Do you expose this manipulative asshole? Or do you let the group fall down the rabbit hole of lies and deception? TOUGH RIGHT?

if it’s draining my energy, i’m leaving

Too often do we find ourselves in relationships (romantic, platonic, familial) that are exhausting to us. Why do we stick around for people who aren’t good for us? Why do we stick around if all we do is feel drained, unloved, unappreciated, and sometimes replaced? Today our afternoon topic was to go over what a healthy and unhealthy relationship meant to us. A few people said that romantic relationships were the most important to them, some said friendship was the most important. Surprisingly, no one said family relationships, which wouldn’t be my choice either.

To me, my romantic relationship is the most important relationship in my life. Sean is my best friend. He is the only person I really talk to openly about things that are bothering me. There are a few things that I haven’t opened up about, but those are things that I’m still hesitant to open up and deal with at this time. Overall, we’ve got a pretty good foundation as friends since most of our dating relationship was spent building trust over Skype and Viber when he was deployed.

I think next would be friendships. This is something I’ve always really struggled with. I usually don’t vibe well in groups, but I’ll do really well with 1 to 2 people. I was doing really well here in El Paso, or so I thought. It’s been a struggle trying to figure out what’s real, what’s not, and if my feelings of “being played” and “manipulated” are real. I hate that feeling. I hate feeling like all of the effort I put into building a friendship all went to a waste. First I felt replaced and then slowly thinking about a lot of things I felt manipulated - which is unhealthy.

So right now, I’m taking the time away to clear my head and my emotions. I’m not good at talking to people when I’m angry or disappointment. It usually turns into an argument, me pushing blame on them, or just goes into flames. I don’t want that. I do want to think about all the good and bad, and see if that friendship is really worth pursuing. The only thing is, I won’t be the one to act first. I’ve learned that I am the kind of friend who will show up on your doorstep to make sure you’re okay or to fix things, if you aren’t willing to do the same with me, then I don’t think it’ll work out. Equality in a friendship is important. I know that there will be times that my friends need me to pour more for them cause their cup is empty, but I am hoping that they do the same back when it comes down to it. That’s all.

journal prompts, if money wasn't a factor, what would you be doing with your life right now?

I thought I would change it up today and talk about something a little lighter, since my day was so heavy. If money weren’t a factor, I’d probably be taking my little family around the world to travel. That’s something that I love doing. I grew up overseas in the Philippines, Germany, and Japan. Being surrounded by different cultures IS my comfort zone. I actually feel more anxious being here in the United States where I can understand almost everyone around me. I think it’s because I can understand them that I have anxiety since my brain can actually process what’s being said.

I love traveling to different places to eat the specialty food. I love seeing historical sites, whether its in a museum, walking in a castle or ruins, or just immersing myself in the local population. I hope that when COVID slows down and the world starts to function again, that we have the chance to travel.

I want to go back to Japan to take Sean and Mav around to eat food, and see all of the awesome kid places that they have! JAPAN IS THE PLACE TO BE WITH KIDS MAN. They have so much cool stuff there. I’m so envious of my friends that still live there.

I hope tomorrow is a better day because today really sucked.

what is your stress monster?

That was the question of the day today in the afternoon. What is your stress monster? If you could describe your stress monster, how would it be?

Well, I described it first as a pale, skinny girl. A girl almost skeleton like, sinking cheeks, ribs showing right under the collar bones, barely hanging onto life. I pictured myself from when I felt the need to be an excessively small girl who fit all the size XS and double zero clothes. When I see myself in the mirror sometimes, I feel so heavy. I feel like there’s parts of me that want to rip my skin off if I could.

Then I thought about this morning, when the voices and the mumbling got so loud that it was almost impossible to bring myself to therapy. The stress of reading that a good high school friend had passed away just shook my body. It felt like my world had collapsed in on itself. The remnants of the events from yesterday to this morning amplified every mumble I heard before. I picture someone angry, someone dark in the shadows, no eyes, just black holes. I picture someone who would make you wish that you were dead. A creature not meant to live on this Earth.

My NP said I had to wait 2 weeks before she’d give me an antipsychotic, even though I’ve been this way for YEARS.

I’m tired of my stress monsters. I need them to go away.