the few things that are really throwing my head for a loop

I’m trying to go back into my phone and look at the things I jotted down since I became this fresh kind of passive suicidal. It’s difficult knowing that this is how I feel even though I should be happy because of everything I’m blessed with. I think that’s what makes it harder for me, because then I just tear myself down even more for feeling ungrateful.

I need to make a list to straighten out my thoughts and figure out what I really need to focus on. Things I can control and then things I can’t control. It’s unfortunate when the things I can’t control are the thoughts that bother me the most, but I guess that’s why I’m in therapy.

Why am I feeling this way again?!

Maybe because I know in a few months, I’ll be making a big life transition into the civilian world. I know everyone says it’s so much better, but the military has been my entire life. Being an Army brat, moving all over the world, having so much structure the past 4 almost 5 years. Now I’m going into this massive world of opportunity where I can decide what I do with my life… but that also means I’m going to have to really work harder than the person next to me to get where I want to be.

I know the transition of motherhood has really taken it’s toll on me. My baby isn’t what you’d call the calmest baby of all. He’s an absolute banshee. He is happy in all of the pictures we post, and for the most part he’s pretty content and happy with what’s going on. Until he isn’t, and then that’s what pushes me over the edge. Especially since I’m a working mom, that goes to work and deals with even more crying babies. Not only do I have to take care of the babies, I have to teach the moms all the things they need to know in order to be equipped for life at home… HOW? When I feel like I can barely do life at home with an infant?!

I’m battling things from my childhood that trickled into my young adulthood. Especially with all of the topics that have been recently coming up in social media (which is why I deleted Facebook), I’ve been getting “triggered” with all of these incessant thoughts. They’re so hard to shake when I find myself in a downward spiral into memory lane. I get angry. I get frustrated. I look at my son and I want to keep him home where no one will ever get to him. How can you trust anyone, when the person that still haunts me was supposed to be someone we “trusted”, a kumpare. It makes me sick.

And there’s something else, something much bigger than all of this but I don’t think it’s worth mentioning right now. I’ll let some people save some face on my road to healing. I just know that the people I’ve decided to surround myself with are people who genuinely care about my wellbeing, and that have consistently shown up whenever I found myself in this exact predicament.

it's been a rough month of mental health

Tomorrow will be one month of me not writing anything on my blog. Honestly, I’ve just had no motivation to write, to take photos, to socialize… Not that I socialized a whole lot anyway, but even more so this past month. I’ve honestly had a lot of anxiety with such a big life transition coming up and personal issues that have just taken it’s toll on me for the last seventeen years. And honestly, even though I feel like I’m completely falling apart, I’m holding it together pretty well compared to my last episode.

I’m handling this relatively well. Well, much better than 2019’s shit show.

I’m not drinking my liver away, I can’t even finish a beer most of the time. I haven’t smoked a single cigarette. I haven’t scratched my face or my arms off. And I’ve only been *almost admitted one time, but I think I was cunning enough to convince them to put me in a new outpatient program rather than an inpatient program. But sometimes I think going inpatient would be beneficial, but only during the times that I feel like I’m going to let myself slip into a deep, deep depression. I think I’m pretty aware of how I’m doing since I keep tabs on myself.

Am I moody? Does my husband mention that I’m more irritable and mean? Am I eating regularly? What are my physical manifestations? I keep track of these things because my old therapist said he wanted to find a pattern. Have I found anything out? Not really. Except for the fact that the worst physical manifestation of anxiety has got to be the nausea and vomiting when I’m hungry. I might as well be pregnant again (I’m not, I checked.)

There are definitely some topics that trigger my anxiety, and two of them have come up recently. Part of me wants to keep it a secret, the other part of me wants to put it on blast to the world. I don’t think I’m ready for that though, so I’ll sit here with it, like I always have. It’s just so disappointing, really.

In the past two years, I have become more aware of those who really mean well and genuine friends and family. I know that these are the people that even if we’re out of touch for some time, they’ll still defend me and stand with me; not become defensive toward me and leave me. I thank my extremely small circle of trust for keeping me afloat and for showing me what compassionate love is in dark times.

I hope that whatever therapy I’m supposed to start helps. Last time I almost got hit by a car because I was so zoned out driving into oncoming traffic after therapy. T_T. I hope that is not the case this time. Maybe I can actually make some progress in finding some level ground in my head and not constantly think that my baby would be better off without me. Here’s to therapy 3.0 and another slew of psychiatric medications to trial and error with. So. exciting.

Carlsbad Cavern in the Guadalupe Mountains

It’s been quite some time since our last blog post! Life happens, and we just needed a little break from trying to make content. This week we had some special visitors come to see us, and we decided to finally make it out to New Mexico’s mountain range! Joey and Janine came all the way from Washington to meet baby Mav, and he was automatically super friendly with them! I’m glad that he felt comfortable enough to play and laugh with them while they were here.

Any who ~ on day one, we decided to all drive out to Carlsbad Caverns. It’s about 2 hours and 45 minutes away from home, and the drive is probably the most boring drive I’ve ever seen. (maybe not.) We left super early in the morning since it’s first come, first serve for tickets, and after a certain time, they close all admissions. The admission fee is $15 per person, free if you’re active duty military. While we were waiting, we walked around the building that had some history about the mountains and how the caverns were formed. I will say that our number one tip is to bring a lot of snacks and food. There isn’t much there unless you want to drive 30-40 minutes to the closest town for fast food. The restaurant in the visitors center only had cold cuts, and the only café there had no cars parked out front. Super sketchy, we took a hard pass on that.

When we finally made our way into the caverns, it was a short hike to the bat amphitheater which was an outdoor seating area where you could watch bats exit the caverns every evening to go hunting! We did not stay for that unfortunately. The descent into the cavern is not for the weak legged. It starts out gradual, and then it seems like the guy who was excavating for the path just got tired of it and did super steep shortcuts. The initial scent going into the cavern is also very unpleasant. It reminded me of how a wet Asian bathroom smells like in a hole-in-the-wall restaurant, no bueno, all guano. The underground sits at about 56 degrees, so if you’re not a fan of being chilly, definitely bring a fleece and wear pants.

Maverick was amazing the entire way down, slept like a champ. Once we made it to the Big Room, it was game over for him. I think it was something to do with his ears popping and the cold. So if you go down with a baby, make sure you’re ready to nurse a grumpy baby. I’m more than sure we woke up all the bats in the cave, sorry Batman.

Milksnob covers coming in clutch for cave feedings!

Maybe we’ll go back to see what that Big Room had, maybe we’ll just be left to wonder. Either way, it was a fun trip with Uncle Joey and Auntie Janine! Oh, and before I forget, Mav became a Junior Ranger! :D Click here for the link to their website if you’re interested in planning your own visit.

Tips on how I increased my milk supply

Pumping can be incredibly discouraging. It’s tiring. It’s tedious. It’s time-consuming. You can’t just strap the flanges on and let the machine go full speed on your boobs and expect good results. Pumping is an active process that you have to engage in. If you watch your LO (little one) nurse, they tend to vary in speed and depth of their suckle, so what makes you think you can pump at one speed and suction for a full 40 minutes and have the same outcome? The answer is you can’t. And honestly, you have to be in the right mindset with all the factors in place for it to be a good pump session. Being positioned wrong, having the wrong bra, being dehydrated - these all can have an impact on your output. So I’ve put together some tips that have worked for me and a few of my friends.

But first, disclaimer: The content on my website is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health providers with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website.

So not all of these will work instantaneously. It’s going to take some time and a whole lot of patience to see changes. Be kind to yourself, mama. You’re going to do great, you ARE doing great. You are a great mama no matter how baby is fed, whether it’s breastmilk for formula. But if you’re really wanting to breastfeed, I hope these tips help you toward that goal!

Seek assistance from a lactation consultant

Before you discharge from the hospital, ask to speak with the lactation consultant. You want to make sure that you get your baby’s latch assessed. If your baby’s not latched correctly, it can really do some damage to your nipples making breastfeeding harder than it already is. If you plan on pumping, it’s a good idea to bring your pump in to be sized for the correct flange. It’s also good to ask how to pump to get the most out. Sometimes you think that something is meant to be easy, one click of the button type of thing, but pumping is much more than that. Write all your questions down before you deliver, so you get the most out of the session. When you go home and you need help troubleshooting it, see if you can speak with a lactation consultant at baby’s follow up appointment. You can always ask for help.

Ensuring you’re using the correct flange sizing

As I mentioned above, using the correct flange size is important. You won’t be emptying your breast effectively if it’s too big, and it can really damage your nipples if it’s too small. This is one reason to bring your pump when you deliver. Sometimes using lubrication like approved nipple balms can help prevent chafing as well.

Using thermal packs to help with your letdown

I find that when my breast are “warmed up” (literally…) they put out the most milk. That’s why I like to pump after a warm shower. If not, I’d say invest in some thermal packs that you can just pop in the microwave and place on your chest before you pump. Sometimes that helps with the letdown, and it can actually make it feel a little better. My letdown is very painful, so the heat packs really help relieve that pain.

Hand expressing to help stimulate your breast

In the earlier days of lactation, right after birth, you’ll notice that your milk is super thick and can look gold. This is that nutrient dense colostrum you’ve heard about! It’s extremely hard to get out with a breast pump on those first few days, so the best way to collect it is by hand expression. The important thing to remember when using your hands to express milk is that you want your fingers to be at the BASE of your nipple, and instead of “pressing” your fingers together to “squeeze it”, you want to press STRAIGHT BACK against your chest and COMPRESS forward. If you squeeze at the nipple, you’re going to get sore, but you’re also pinching off the milk ducts where the milk would come out. Always hand express after pumping because the pump will leave behind some of that fatty hind milk!

National Breastfeeding Week: An appreciation post for all mommas who tried their best

Like most mothers, I had already set a goal for myself to breastfeed my child as soon as he was born. As a nurse, I was obsessed with the thought that all of my knowledge and experience helping other moms breastfeed, that it would come naturally to me. Although it felt like it did, my son didn’t gain a lot of weight, still experienced jaundice, and was supplemented with formula. In those early weeks, I was really hard on myself.

Maverick’s first feed, straight out the womb

Breastfeeding is a lifestyle choice that mothers make. It is something that many mothers work at because let’s be real, this shit is hard. It consumes an unimaginable amount of time throughout the day whether you’re pumping or feeding your baby straight from the teet. On average, I spend almost 4 hours of my day pumping or nursing Maverick - a lil boy that STILL loves to nurse at night. And to protect my supply, I will force myself out of slumber and hold those flanges up to pump milk out, even if it’s just 2 ounces.

Breastfeeding is a commitment. When others say, “at least you get a break from your kid when you go to work, etc.” Is it really a break? Can I use pumping as “an excuse” to take a break from work? Because I can tell you that it’s the last thing from being relaxing. Pumping is hard work. It’s stressful. And when you don’t make as much as you thought you would, it’s heartbreaking. Knowing that you are your baby’s sole nutrition, there’s a lot riding on these “relaxing pump sessions” everyone gives moms such a hard time about.

Breastfeeding is tough, but so are you momma. Remember all that you’re doing for your baby. Enjoy that bond that only you and your baby have during those late night, early morning nursing sessions. I applaud all of you for doing your best.

Whether you breastfed for a few days, a few weeks, 6 months, or you’re still going - you did that for your baby. Celebrate that.