Regaining my light: 13 years later [TW: Suicide] / July 14, 2020 by Jaclyn Sison

I think it’s interesting that I haven’t written a dedicated blog about my brother’s suicide on Okami & Co. I guess I made an effort to keep this mental health journey about me, and not let it gravitate toward my dead brother’s mental health that got the best of him. I think that’s hard: to pull my feelings away after being told that “he is why you’re depressed.” I guess it made me feel like I wasn’t my own person, even in my depression, I still fell under his shadow. A shadow he no longer casted but for some reason seemed inescapable.

Trigger warning: Suicide

So I’m going to make a vow to myself to make sure my mental health journey remains about me and to not let it seem like it revolves around my brother after this blog.

13 years is long enough.

TLDR: In July of 2007, shortly after my 17 year old brother graduated high school, he hung himself at a playground I used to play at with my friends. The night before that, he ran away from home. Before he ran away from home, he told me to tell everyone he was sorry. I tried to run after him, but the MP told me to go back inside and that they would go find my brother. The found him too late. This had a major impact on my mental health.

I don’t think I was the same after that. I was angry at the world, and some days I still am. I get frustrated with myself when I think about walking back inside rather than going after him. I get scared when I wake up from the recurring nightmare of running down a dimly lit street toward the General’s house and to our bus stop just to watch him get away or even looking for help before that. I get frustrated blaming my parents: my mom for not being there, and my dad for “not trying hard enough to look” as my 15-year-old self would have claimed. (I know you tried Dad.)

But mostly I get mad at myself for letting myself spiral so out of control and not ask for help sooner. My emotions were so raw as I grew up. I didn’t know how to channel my anger or my grief. I lashed out. I started smoking (an awful habit that I did on and off). I pushed a lot of people away, which I still do. I don’t find ways to connect to people, because I feel like no one will take the time to understand why I am the way I am. I was lucky enough to have people who encouraged me that things would eventually get better, but I didn’t see it at the time. I was too frustrated with everyone. Even more when the one person who reminded me of my brother took his life 3 years later, leaving me on my own.

And now I’m doing therapy to figure out how to retrain my body to react to these emotions that I feel when I think of these memories. My body doesn’t react to the word suicide well. My heart rate and respiratory rate increases. I get dizzy. I feel faint. Every time. I worry excessively when I hear a friend is feeling some type of way toward suicidal thoughts, and my initial reaction is to shower them in extreme love and non-judgmental support (in getting better, obviously.) I get irritated when I hear colleagues say patients are “crazy” or “pshycho” because they’ve been admitted for suicidal ideation. Instead of trying to help them, they reinforce the stigma that surrounds mental health.

And you assholes all wonder why no one in the Army wants to get help. Because you’re all assholes, and if you read this and you get triggered, then yes b*tch, I’m talking about you.

I don’t really know where I’m going with this. I thought I could navigate this blog well, but I’m becoming distracted.

Right, my brother. He died when he was 17. He was supposed to be a dad, but his girlfriend ‘changed her mind’. He just graduated high school and I guess he had aspirations to join the air force, or maybe go to culinary school. (Did I try to live vicariously through him? Maybe.) There are some things about my brother that I remember vividly, there are other things that I don’t. I miss my brother, but sometimes I get angry at him for making living so hard.

I feel like his death set the precedence for my teenage and young adult life. I would be lying if I said that it didn’t cause my family to distance themselves from each other. I still feel very distant from my family. Although, my baby brother and I are reconnecting and re-establishing our relationship and it makes me happy to see him grow into a healthy young man. And I hope he continues to grow like that. I’m happy that he found someone that will be his rock through the good and the bad. (Thank you Janine.)

My thoughts are still all over the place…

My brother. I guess therapy must be working, because I feel like I’ve let go of so much emotional weight. My brother. I no longer want to live shadowed by your past existence. I don’t want to continue dedicating things in my life to you; I am now reclaiming my accomplishments and my victories as my own person. I wanted to live in your “legacy” but I’ve outgrown the need to live for you, because I want to live for myself. I want to live for my child and my husband. And if anyone has an issue with me moving on from you, then keep to yourself, because it’s going to happen anyways.

Public Service Announcement: I am looking forward to growing out of my grief, and if you want to stay in it or you want to try and pull me back into it or are looking to make me feel guilty and call me selfish then please, go kindly fuck yourself. thank you.

My tattoo on my ankle is the signature in this photo

My brother. I’ll always remember you. I’ll remember the small and very brief life lessons you taught me. Like how I should expect Maverick to bother me at night and ask me if his outfit is okay for his first day of school. Or that I can only experience pain from other people if I let them hurt me. I’ll remember your goofy smile. I’ll imagine you dancing every time I hear My Boo Google Play. I’ll remember how annoying you were. I’ll remember that you were the dumb Ferrer and I was the smart Ferrer since we had the same classes when I was in MIDDLE SCHOOL. I’ll remember letting you copy my homework, wow that’s sad.

I’ll remember you, and every July 15th and October 5th, I’ll celebrate you. But I think it’s time for me to let you go and let myself live. For me.

I love you. Rest well,

Jak

Motherhood Unplugged: Falling into the trap of expectations / July 1, 2020 by Jaclyn Sison

It was so easy for me to fall into the pit of comparison and expectations when it came to Motherhood.

I mean, how could you not get mixed into it? I was a new mom who spent all of maternity leave living through social media simply because we couldn’t leave the house (thanks Corona.) I spent my tired hours scrolling through these picture perfect moments that Instagram moms were posting on their feed. All of them with their plants, and fun quarantine crafts, and fat babies who had wardrobes nicer than mine. I awed at nurseries that were so particularly put together down to the knobs on the dressers. I envied the mothers who had babies that slept quietly through the night for 11 hours, or the babies who seemed to hit milestone after milestone, all while my baby was still crying in my ear.

Remember that social media is a HIGHLIGHT REEL, so all you see is the picture perfect snapshot

I want to preface with the fact that I absolutely love Maverick and everything that he does puts me in awe, from him holding his binky to him halfway rolling over. Even though I didn’t ever want to think that I would doubt Maverick’s ability to just be a baby, I kind of was in a way. I was comparing him to all of these babies that had different circumstances than him, different goals than him, different everything from him. I know how hard it is to be the child that hears their parent say, “look at your auntie so & so’s kid, they do XYZ. You should do XYZ.” I never liked that. I hated being compared to other kids.

I low key was doubting the ability of myself to perform as a mother, and in a way, doubting my son’s ability to just… grow

But the point is, if I already know that it sucks being on that side, the last thing I want to do is put Maverick in that same position. I expressed my concerns to Sean one night, and he just kept rambling off all the things that Maverick could do. He could throw his binky clear across the room. He could hold his big head up without our help. He smiles and he laughs whenever we’re in front of him dancing and tickling him. All the things that I love, but for some reason was discrediting.

Maverick may not sleep through the night yet. He hates tummy time with a burning inferno passion, and he absolutely refuses to roll back over once he’s on his tummy. He will cry to high heaven until we pick him up from his Mamaroo. But he sings along with nursery rhymes, he blinks away water without being afraid, and he nurses like a freaking champ to fill in all his baby rolls.

As for me, I may not get to spend every waking moment with him because I am a working momma that works long days. I may have half of my husband’s storage in Maverick’s room still. And I already regret missing out on all the photo and video opportunities with Maverick’s “first XYZ”. But my baby is giddy to see me walk through the door from work or when he wakes up in the morning and I’m the first person he sees. And that’s what matters to me.

A mom's review: Tracking your cycle with Clue / June 30, 2020 by Jaclyn Sison

I love hearing my friends say that they’re planning on starting their families. I can’t believe we’re at that age where it’s so normal to start having babies. Now WE’RE the aunties and uncles at the parties and no longer the teenagers that lock themselves in the room. Honestly, looking back at my childhood years, I used to think my aunties and uncles were so cool. I hope it’s that way with our kids in the future, lol! I am no longer the “auntie that only visits for the holidays because she’s always gone in some foreign country.” I have finally joined the ranks of “mommas” at parties! And it wasn’t easy getting here, but with the help of an app, Sean and I were able to successfully create Maverick.

Distance did not help, but it let me prepare

First of all, Sean and I lived apart so starting a family was already placed on the back burner while we were apart. There was no way in hell that I was going to go through a pregnancy alone. Thankfully, the Army finally listened and stationed us at the same post so having Maverick really was a blessing. While we were apart, I did what I could to make sure I was making the best environment for my baby. I worked out consistently every day, ate a healthy diet, and took prenatal vitamins. That’s really all you can do if you are an otherwise healthy individual.

The Clue App

The one thing that really helped me hone in on my uterus being primed for conception was tracking my cycles. I had an irregular cycle before because I was so little and so unhealthy in a way where my body was starving for nutrients. So making the lifestyle change made a big difference when I started thinking of having a family. The Clue app helped me track so many symptoms during these changes.

Clue Period Tracker, Ovulation & Cycle Calendar is a free app available on iOS and Android. It focuses on patterns of symptoms to predict when your period will come and what days you may be ovulating. The symptoms it includes are: bleeding, pain, mood, sleep, sex, energy, cravings, digestion, discharge, skin, weight, temperature, exercise, and medical things like medications.

“Period predictions are based on your cycle length, either from previous cycles or from what you logged while setting up your account. The fertile window is predicted based on the end of your cycle.” - Clue App

So it works best if you’ve been using the app for a few months already and your cycle has a strong prediction rate. I used this app for almost 1 year before moving to Korea to be with Sean. I used it while I was in Korea as well. It took me and Sean one year to get pregnant, and honestly, we were in the brink of seeking infertility assistance because it wasn’t working for us.

Now it’s not guaranteed that this app will get you pregnant, but it does help to track your symptoms. And on the other hand, don’t rely on this app to be your second form of birth control. Just because the app says you shouldn’t be ovulating, doesn’t mean you should take a chance if you’re not trying to get pregnant.

Another great feature of this app is that it has content that is beneficial for you to read. If you ever have a question about your period, symptoms, birth control, even fertility, there are articles in the app that you can read! It makes it so all of your questions can be answered in one place rather than you scouring Google for something easy to read.

How’d the app help me? How’d I “just know”

I knew something was up even before I tested. A couple weeks before I tested (5 weeks), I would get nauseous in the car. I couldn’t close my eyes when Sean would exit the freeway or I would feel super sick. When that would happen, I’d think to myself, “huh, that’s weird…”

1.) Nausea was never a symptom I had listed before.

Then a few days before we flew to Mexico, I felt an inkling that I could be pregnant. That’s when Sean and I bought the test. We said we would take the test right before Mexico, to make sure I wasn’t pregnant because we had a package where the drinks were free (lol, so responsible). When Sean left for Gunsan, I woke up the next morning and my BOOBS felt completely different.

2. Breast discomfort WAS a symptom I had, but it was always around the 2 week mark, not days before my period.

I couldn’t take it anymore, so I took the test by myself. PREGNANT. I only knew this because I paid close attention to my body’s cues. I charted my symptoms, moods, etc every month. It was just a couple of days BEFORE my period was supposed to start when I took the test. Being aware of your body is so important when it comes to pregnancy and your health overall. It took almost two years to make it happen, but now we’re blessed with Maverick’s fat butt and I couldn’t be any happier!

And lastly, even if you aren’t trying to get pregnant right now, using this app to track patterns that your body goes through during your cycle will help you out! Knowing when to “expect” pain and discomfort, and realizing why you’re in such a bad mood some days is really helpful, lol.

A mom's review of the hands-free Elvie breast pump / June 22, 2020 by Jaclyn Sison

I gave in and I bought the Elvie.

The 2 biggest reasons I purchased the Elvie: compact size and easy to use at work

I only lasted 2.5 weeks with bringing the Spectra S1 from home to work. I only lasted 2 days using the Freemie Liberty pump at work. I think the main issue I had was dealing with the tubing and all the parts that came with each pump. Or how awkward they were shaped and how difficult it was to smash them into a bag to put in the fridge inbetween pumps. Either way, I gave up very quickly and decided to purchase the Elvie. I did purchase it from Target because they take open box returns. I was afraid that I wasn’t going to be able to get the same amount of milk out as I would with my hospital-grade pump, so I wanted to be able to return it if I didn’t respond well to it.

Down & Dirty of the elvie pump

CONS

2-2.5 hour battery life
Relatively warm after pumping
May leak if you move too much or bend down
Frequently needs to be readjusted at beginning of session
Cleaning & drying the bottles is difficult

PROS

Completely hands free pumping
Quiet pumping
Quick & easy set up/clean up for at work use
Small in size, easy to transport
Smart app can be used as a remote and pump log

What are some of the features that make this product great?

The size is definitely a great feature of the Elvie. It’s so compact, that if I have a large enough top on, it just looks like I have giant boobs. This also means that carrying it in your purse or in your work bag is so much easier than lugging around the Spectra S1. This is a game changer for me because I really dislike having a lot of things in my bag. The dimensions of the Elvie are 5” x 4.3” x 2.7” and each pump only weighs approximately 8 oz! So it won’t stick out too far from your chest, it’s a little wider so it forms to your boob a little better, and it’s not too heavy in your bra.

It’s relatively quiet for a pump. In the hospital, you can’t really hear it with all the movement going on around you. I think my milk spraying out into the pump is louder than the pump itself, which says a lot about my letdown because it’s so forceful, haha.

It’s easy to assemble and it’s easy to clean. So I’m the person that utilizes the most out of her Medela quick wipes. There is no sink in our lactation room, and I still cannot bring myself to wash my pump parts in the break room sink. So I use Medela quick-clean anti-bacterial wipes in between pumps and store them in gallon size Ziplock in the fridge. The breast shields and the spouts are so easy to clean that wrapping up my session doesn’t take 10 minutes anymore. (I used to break everything down and then set it up again each session, NOT EFFICIENT AT ALL.) The one thing you want to make sure of is making sure all the parts are assembled correctly. Even the smallest little thing off with the valves could cause you to not have a good suction.

They make it fool proof to size to your breast shield. They have the standard size breast shields of 21mm, 24mm, and 28mm. They have lines on the breast shield that you compare to your nipple and it helps you choose the correct fit. Apparently there are also cushions that you can order to help with sizing if you’re in between sizes. Update: I looked it up and they’re literally silicone inserts! One is from a brand called BeauGen.

Lip of valve caught on pump will not give you suction

Make sure valve looks like this before placing flange in

What are some downfalls with the Elvie?

I haven’t come across too many downfalls with the Elvie yet. So I could be a little biased after using it for ~1.5 weeks. I have noticed that I have to readjust a lot in the beginning of a session. Sometimes the suction isn’t working so I redo all the parts, and I sit there finagling my boob into it. Putting it on is what takes the most time for me. It also gets pretty warm, so from what I’ve read and been told, you may need to change your breast shield size if you’re feeling the warmth of the pump and it’s uncomfortable. I haven’t had to do that because the 24 mm fit well for me, but there are cushions that you can purchase to make the fit a little better.

Cleaning the bottles is probably my least favorite part about the Elvie. The grooves tend to scratch me a lot, so I have to take caution in cleaning it if I don’t want to turn my fingers. So I just cut a sponge in half to clean it, that way I’m not trying to shove a big sponge inside. I let it air dry on my little lawn rack, but I come back to it and shake it up a bit to break the bigger water droplets.

The last thing is that the Elvie is the battery life is unforgiving through a 12 hour shift. The Elvie will only last me about 2.5 pumps before I have to charge it. It says it’s supposed to hold a 2.5 hour charge, but I’ve made it to about 2 hours before having to plug it in. That’s assuming that my pumping session lasts anywhere from 30-35 minutes. Typically my pump sessions don’t last this long with the Spectra, but since it’s not as strong a suction, I leave it on a little longer.

How does connecting to the Smart App benefit pumping?

I honestly love that it has it’s own app that serves as a remote control to the pumps, and it logs each of your sessions for you. The pump itself uses an Infrared light to get a real time measurement of how much milk you’ve already pumped. It’s not always accurate but it does help when you are full on a bottle and need to make a quick switch to not overflow. What’s also nice is that it will stop pumping if you’ve reached that limit. There is also an automatic switch from massage to expression mode, something you can also control from the app.

What’s included in the box?

So now that we’ve gone through my pros and cons (so far), what’s included in the box? The Elvie comes in a beautifully square box that displays the pumps as soon as you open it. It includes the following:

2 Elvie pumps
4 5-oz bottles with caps (extra 3 pack is $34.99)
4 breast shields (2x24 mm, and 2x28 mm) (replacement 2 pack is $29.99)
4 spouts and 4 valves (replacement 2 pack is $16.99)
4 pump seals (closed system!) (replacement 2 pack is $16.99)
4 bra extenders (replacement 4 pack is $14.99)
2 USB cables
2 bags for the pump itself

The current price for the Double Elvie is $499, but Target and Amazon have sales that can drop the price to $425. Save your registry coupon (did not do this, my mistake) to add on another 15% discount during those sales, dropping your total price to $390!

We're here for you / June 10, 2020 by Jaclyn Sison

Where do we stand with all that is going on?

I feel like this post is something I’ve been wanting to write, but honestly… I’ve been so nervous to say the wrong thing or be misunderstood. So I’m going to preface this post with: I’m trying to learn. As a non-black person of color, I do have experience in what racism is like, but definitely not to the extent that Blacks have had to deal with. Trying to find the right words to relay how I feel about all that’s going on is hard. I’ve been ear-deep in podcasts, and I’ve probably read more history this past week than I had to in high school.

There’s so much that goes into the movement for equal rights and against police brutality. Far more than what I could learn in a couple of weeks.

It’s hard to even try to find where to begin. As a second-generation immigrant, my parents moved to the United States in search of a better life than what they had in the Philippines. Both of my parents joined the military and made sacrifices to make a better life for our family. America is where it’s at, right? Then why does it seem like life is just a tad bit better living elsewhere? I’ve lived overseas more than half of my life, to include the Philippines, Germany, Japan, and Korea. I remember when I was a kid, everyone would get so hyped to fly back to the states for vacations, me included. Filipinos break their backs over work visas or school visas just to come to the states, and I’m sure that’s the case for other countries as well. It’s the land of opportunity where you can “chase the American dream”. Well I want to inquire with y’all…

What the fuck is the American Dream? Cause I know this ain’t it.

Making something out of nothing? Pulling yourself up by your boot straps to keep on truckin’ along? Fake it until you make it? Big house with a wrap around porch and picket fence? I don’t know. I honestly don’t know. What I do know, is when I pictured the American Dream, I didn’t picture it being so much harder for BIPOC to achieve the same goals that non-BIPOC people have. I didn’t picture a life where people were rude to each other because of you having a little more melanin and a lot more curl to your hair. I didn’t picture the bullying, segregation, and discrimination that still happens today. And I think that I’ve gotten so complacent on policing people for their discrimination. It’s sad to see that it’s a norm for BIPOC people to be treated differently. Well, I notice it, and I admit to have had the thoughts: “I guess this is just the way things are.”

I feel awful not doing anything because “it’s just the way things are"

I’m done being complacent, and it’s time to use my voice and stand up for equality.

I think this covert-racist behavior is so deeply rooted in my upbringing of literally being white-washed with Papaya whitening soap and Eskinol that I’ve just accepted this stupid socially-made hierarchy of skin color. And I think that’s why I have to start with myself and changing my behaviors. It’s active work to become an ally for Blacks.

I learned a lot when I became an Equal Opportunity Leader back in Korea, and that’s when I began looking into my biases that I kept in “my bag". It’s time for me to empty that bag. I do appreciate all of my friends who have been posting helpful articles, websites, movies, documentaries, and various resources to learn from. What I do know is that police brutality is very real and it can be very scary at these protests that have the potential to turn violent. I know that so many people did not deserve to die the way they did at the hands of people who are employed to protect the community. I know that the life my Black brothers and sisters lead are different than my own, and I don’t want them to have to raise their kids to “be a certain way” so it “doesn’t happen to them.” That’s fucked up.

That’s not the kind of world I want my son to live in. Looking back at these MLK Jr. photos and Civil Rights Movements, you’d think that it was way before our time… but it wasn’t. For some of our grandparents it could be a “seems like it was just yesterday” kind of story. It’s time that a proper reconciliation happen.

Listen to what BIPOC have to say. Fight to end police brutality. And say their names.

Graphic from NPR Code Switch, “A Decade of Watching Black People Die”

We can fight this together.