The hardest secret we had to keep, but did we even keep it?

I hope my baby inherits my calves…

I’m not going to lie, the first trimester has been the roughest 3 months of my life.

We found out that we were pregnant very early on. We had hit 5 weeks the day we found out; two days before we were taking off for Mexico. I remember joking with Sean before we took the test, I’d look down at my tummy and say, “you gotta let me know if there’s something in there, I gotta know if I can drink tequila or not!” So when we found out that tequila, or any form of alcohol, was off the table, it was time to brainstorm what white lies we were going to tell everyone as to why I was not partaking in festivities. I know this sounds silly, but whenever we get together with these friends, I’m usually one of the people yelling “shots!”

Facing the Crowd

When we arrived to my sister-in-law’s villa, everyone was there. The first thing that people started asking Sean and I were about having a baby. It really blew my mind when my mother-in-law came up to me, touched my tummy, and asked, “is there something in there?” I was so shocked that I didn’t know how to respond, so I ended up trying to laugh it off and say no. Sean was approached by Justin’s mom and she asked him if I was pregnant, same response: laugh and say no. I knew that I had tipped Justin off when he poured a round of shots for everyone, and he tried to give me one and I used Madeline as an excuse to not participate. He gave me the look. The look that said, “I know you’re hiding something now.”

“Ya’ll were pretty obvious in Mexico lol.” Okay - so we didn’t do a great job, haha!

No hiding feeling crummy

I definitely tried my best to maintain a good attitude during the entire trip, but my body was taking some pretty bad hits. I was extremely tired, which I’m sure was a mix of jet lag and pregnancy, and our long layovers. I was also extremely nauseous (which I have been for the duration of the first trimester). I didn’t eat as much as I wanted to because things started to taste different already. At my sister-in-law’s wedding, I left on the early shuttle home because I just couldn’t take the nausea, and ended up throwing up. We tried to play it off like I was “way too drunk” and “way too tired” to function, but those who were really paying attention knew, and were really helpful in helping me home. I took a lot of naps during this trip, like I do every day now.

12-hour shifts are for the birds

My very least favorite thing was returning to work for a few days before I started preparing for my leave to come back to the states. Headaches, nausea, and a lot of vomiting at work. It made it difficult to work with patients, but thankfully, they were all new mothers that had just given birth and knew exactly what I was going through. I had the help of my co-workers to take the load off when it got really bad, and was sent home early because the vomiting had just become so hard. I am so thankful for the staff at Brian Allgood Army Community Hospital’s MSP ward. They were so supportive of my messiness, and I am forever grateful.

So, how did I actually hide it? Or did I even do that?

I don’t think I did a very good job at hiding it. I felt crummy my entire first trimester, and I’m sure everyone noticed. My sister-in-law told me that everyone kept asking her if I was pregnant, and she would just deny it for us. I’m sure it’s easy to hide your pregnancy if you aren’t feeling like crap 24/7, but that was not the case. We told our immediate family that we were expecting, and as of our last post, we told the world. Pretending to have drinks with friends by drinking ginger ale with limes or a fake margarita may hold you over for awhile, but not for long. Also, I constantly am rubbing my tummy because I just love knowing my babe is in there with me.

So here’s to the second trimester, and may it be easier than the first.

Baby Sison coming March 2020!

WE ARE EXPECTING A BABY COMING MARCH 2020!

New adventures awaiting us in March 2020!

This has literally been the hardest secret to keep from the public, although I’m sure many of our friends have already had their suspicions for quite some time now. Here’s to the first blog dedicated to my baby and how I have been crawling my way through my first trimester.

Sean and I had been trying our entire year in Korea, and with every month that passed, and every visit from Aunt Flo, it became harder and harder for me to handle every month. So when July 2019 rolled around, I wasn’t expecting much. We were gearing up to take leave to attend a wedding in Mexico, when I joked to Sean saying, “wouldn’t it be funny if I got pregnant? The one time that I’m going to prepare myself to party, and I can’t even do that?” We laughed and were lighthearted about it, but as the days passed, I started to feel different.

I track my cycles like the Mayans track the days using the Clue app. I know when I’m ovulating, I know when my period is coming. Every leg cramp, every stomach ache, every pain in my boob. Maybe that’s TMI, but hey, I’m going to be a mom and privacy is going out the window with every appointment! The symptom I couldn’t wrap my head around was my boobs feeling “heavier”. Ever since we started trying to conceive, I’ve read almost every article possible on “how to tell if you’re pregnant'“ and breast tenderness was my #1 suspicion for baby. I told Sean I didn’t feel right, and he said that we should wait until the day before we leave for Mexico to take the test. He went back to work down South for one day, and that day I got up and still didn’t feel right. I got up out of bed and took the test by myself.

It took him awhile to look at it, but when he saw it, his reaction was everything to me <3

TWO. FREAKING. LINES. CHANGED. MY. LIFE.

I was stunned for a second. My heart was racing and I just didn’t know how to take it all in by myself. I knew that I wanted to take it without Sean because I never get to surprise him, and this was one helluva surprise! I told him that I wasn’t feeling well, and asked him if he could come home that night. It was a giant mess trying to get him home because of a story I’d rather not go into detail with (in short: he was conned by a Korean, asshole.) But before he got home, I got everything set up for a reaction video which will be posted soon. Our lives changed that day. Everything I thought I knew about wanting to become a mom flew out the window. All my nursing knowledge, all the information I read before on how to conceive no longer mattered, because I was pregnant now! It was a new level, I had to read new things.

It’s been one crazy, emotional roller coaster. I’m not lying, Sean has a running list of the things that make me cry. This includes a bubblegum commercial, pancakes, and a stuffed hedgie. Everything makes me cry. I’m just glad that I’m not going through this alone. Sean and I are finally going to live together here in Texas, and it’s been so nice having him around every day. All day sickness has not been kind. Dizziness is sometimes unbearable. Living in the giant oven that El Paso is has been killer on me. But I’m not alone. I’m never alone now. I have my little babe in my tummy, and every day we grow a little bit closer together.

Photography: Northern Lily Photography

Guest Post: A story of a girl and her three angels

       We moved to Texas at the end of May that year (2017) and my husband and I agreed that I would wait 90 days to apply for new jobs in the event that i fell pregnant, as we wanted to start a family.  If, at the end of that 90-day period, I was not pregnant, I would go back to work.  We had this discussion around June 1 and on July 7, i took a positive pregnancy test. 

       In this post, I am trying to shed some light on miscarriage.  Sure, we are told that it is common, as if that should make it less painful.  But, to anyone who has ever wanted to be a parent and experienced that glimmer of hope held in a pregnancy test, you know that a miscarriage isn’t just ‘something’ that happens; it’s a significant loss.  And it needs to be okay to grieve that loss like you would any other family member who died. 

       My story starts in July 2017.  I found out i was pregnant on July 7.  My husband was at work, so after I took several positive pregnancy tests, I went to target and bought dry-erase markers and a ‘best dad ever’ mug.  Then i got to work decorating our bathroom so that i could surprise him when he got home from work for the evening.  It’s thought that we conceived this baby on or around june 18th, so i found out i was pregnant, i was only about two weeks along.  I had my first doctor’s appointment at 8 weeks and 6 days along.  The ultrasound tech. Couldn’t yet hear a heartbeat, but we got to see the flicker of it and we were able to see our baby wiggling around like crazy! Our second appointment was at 13 weeks and while we didn’t have an ultrasound, the doctor used the doppler to find the baby’s heartbeat.  It was the most perfect sound i’d ever heard and i teared up pretty instantly!  That day, we got the “ok” from the doctor to share our news with family and friends, as the baby was active, had a strong, fast heartbeat, and even though I wasn’t showing yet, my uterus was expanding in a way that the doctor thought was very positive.  The next day, Joe (my husband) and i started our drive back to pennsylvania.  After four months, we decided that texas wasn’t the best move for us.

       That weekend after we got settled, we drove with my dad to visit Joe’s parents.  We told them all that we had gifts for them (belated fathers’ day gifts for our dads and a belated birthday gift for Joe’s mom).  Inside the gift bags were grandpa t-shirts for the guys and a Nana photo frame for Joe’s mom.  They were all so excited for us and we couldn’t wait to tell everyone else we knew!  Five days later, Joe and I announced our little blessing to the social media world. 

Two weeks later, our world came crashing down around us.  On October 9, 2017, I started spotting in the afternoon.  I know spotting in pregnancy can be normal, but something didn’t feel right.  Shortly after that, I started to feel cramps, kind of like period cramps, but in my back.  I called my OB and the on-call nurse advised me to go to the ER immediately, just to make sure everything was alright. My husband and I headed to the hospital and we hardly had to wait before we were seen.  A nurse practitioner and a nurse came in to try to find the baby’s heartbeat,  They struggled with the doppler for about a half hour before they tried to assure Joe and I that we shouldn’t freak out yet, as a baby under twenty weeks (I think that’s what they said) can have a difficult-to-find heartbeat since it is so small.  

       Shortly after the two women tried to find the heartbeat, an ultrasound tech. Came in and did an ultrasound.  The screen was faced away from us, so we never got to see our baby.  The technician couldn’t tell us anything, so we had to wait for the radiologist to look at and a doctor to come tell us what was going on.  About an hour later, the on-call OBGYN came in and delivered the news that our baby had no heartbeat.  I was diagnosed with a missed miscarriage, as the baby was likely dead inside me for 3+weeks and my body didn’t recognize it.  I had a D&C (Dilation & Curettage) scheduled for the next morning. 

     The next day, Joe and I had to fill out our baby’s death certificate.  We didn’t know a gender yet, so we had to guess.  We both thought she was a girl, so we went with that and named her Margaret Kay, the only girl name that we both absolutely adored.  We decided to start trying to conceive again around Thanksgiving 2017.  I found out I was pregnant on December 16, 2017, so likely, this baby was conceived the first or second week we had talked about.  I was scared when I tested positive but I was also so, so excited and hopeful that we’d get our rainbow baby (a live birth following the loss of a baby due to miscarriage, still birth, or neonatal loss) since two miscarriages in a row is rare.

  For two weeks, Joe and I were on top of the world.  We told his parents and my dad about the pregnancy at Christmas time, as well as our siblings and closest friends.  I was so excited to start the new year happily, following a couple months of hell-on-earth.  New Year’s Day, I woke up not feeling great, but attributed it to not getting much sleep the night before. Later that afternoon, the cramps started.  My heart began thumping and I was scared to go to the bathroom, for fear of what I might discover.  I went to the bathroom and felt it happen before I even sat down.  Without going into graphic detail, I miscarried on New Year’s Day 2018. 
       Our most recent loss occurred on December 27, 2018.  I found out I was pregnant on November 11, 2018.  I cried my eyes out at first and was in extreme panic for about an hour after I took that test.  Obviously, I was overjoyed and in love with the little baby inside of me, but after two miscarriages and no answers about why, I was scared about the outcome.  I chose to not Tell anyone I was pregnant except two of my closest friends and my counselor.  I did not want anyone to know until at least got halfway through the pregnancy.  

     On Christmas night, Joe and I agreed to tell his parents that we were expecting again.  Shortly after that, we all went to bed.  As I was going to the bathroom, I noticed some spotting.  Over the next two days, it got worse.  I was about 95% sure what was happening, but held onto the 5% hope that the spotting, which had turned into full-fledged bleeding, was normal and our now-11-week-old baby was healthy and growing normally.  Joe took me to the emergency room the night of December 27.  I had a long ultrasound and after waiting way too many hours, we were delivered the news, that yet again, I was experiencing a miscarriage; the ultrasound showed no heartbeat.  The doctor was concerned about a possible molar pregnancy (when there is another object in the uterine cavity that could be totally benign or it could be indicative of cancer).  Because of that, the doctor at the E.R. called the local Women and Babies hospital and explained the situation.  The on-call doctor there wanted me to come over immediately.

  At this point, it was 2 am and I just wanted to go home and grieve by myself and with my husband.  We went over to the other hospital and were met by several nurses.  I sat in the initial exam room for two hours before the doctor came in and explained that if this was in fact a molar pregnancy, heavy bleeding could occur, so she didn’t want me to go home before she could perform a D&E (same as a D&C except they add suction from a vacuum).  I was admitted to the hospital, took a quick shower, and was able to take a nap from about 8 am to 10:30 am.  I had the procedure done at around 12:30, got back to my room around 3 pm, was able to finally eat and drink something, and after some observation from the nursing staff, was discharged around 5:30.  Joe and I went home, yet again, without a little baby in my belly. 

     And that, friends, is the story of my three miscarriages.  In loving memory of Margaret Kay (6/18/2017-10/9/2017), Paul Joseph (11/27/2017-1/1/2018), and Grace Genevieve (10/28/2018-12-27-2018).

  Surprisingly, since the miscarriages my husband and I have become closer.  I think much of that was due to the fact that we both supported each other when we were at our most vulnerable.  Everything, aside from actually being pregnant, we have done together, from taking tests, to telling loved ones, to going through the feelings that come with recurrent miscarriages to all of the testing we’ve experienced, etc.  Sure, we argue about insignificant things, but overall, I think both of us have grown closer as a couple. 

  The only truly positive things I have found that have come out of these terrible losses is the immeasurable support from family and friends.  We have received flowers, cards, memorial jewelry and key chains, candles, pieces of art, and other small tokens that show just how loved our babies were, and not just by Joe and me.    

   Over the past almost-two years, I have come to realize that I struggle a lot with trying to balance mourning our losses and celebrating their very brief, yet impactful lives.  Some days, I experience gratitude that I got to love three little babies so deeply.  But, on anniversaries, due dates, and Mother’s/Father’s Day, I 100% mourn.  I hope by the 5-year mark, I’ll be able to be more happy than sad.  

  Overall, I think the biggest piece of advice I can offer to others who have experienced loss and/or infertility is, it’s okay to be sad or feel angry.  Negative feelings are normal and totally okay to experience.  Secondly, don’t give up.  I don’t mean to be cliché or anything, but getting support while trying to conceive is super important.  Reach out to doctors, talk openly to your partner, seek out counseling to process your feelings, etc.  Find a higher power and lean on them for strength when it’s hard to find your own.

Note from Okami & Co: We really want to thank Anna for being so brave in sharing her stories of loss. We deeply understand how hard it is for a couple to go through this tragic experience. We only wish the best for Anna and Joe, and hope that they see their rainbow soon.

About Our Author:  My name is Anna Lesher.  I have my Bachelor’s Degree in Psychology and Master’s in Mental Health Counseling.  Until May 26, 2017, I worked as an outpatient drug & alcohol counselor.  I absolutely loved my job, my coworkers, my clients, etc.  I was good at what I did and I could see a future long-term in counseling, especially with adults dealing with substance use disorders, trauma, eating disorders, and personality disorders.  While I was counseling, I was actively involved in our county’s anti-heroin task force, which helped bring awareness to the opioid epidemic that is running rampant in the area.  I also enjoyed taking walks with my husband and dog and listening to self-improvement audio books.  Follow Anna’s journey on her blog HERE.

Why is this world full of creepers, and how can we protect our girls from them?

  The fact that this has to be a topic of discussion on my blog disturbs me.  I had the opportunity to volunteer at Seoul American High School for their end of the year Olympic events.  I love volunteering for these field days because you get to interact with the kids and encourage healthy lifestyles.  As fun as today was, there were some heavy questions being asked by some of the moms that were also there as volunteers.  And it just so happened that later in the evening, it happened to me.

  Bad things happen to girls and boys that “aren’t careful.”  It’s a shame that we say that people need to be careful so nothing bad happens to them.  Now even though I speak from the point of view of being a female, I’m not saying that this doesn’t happen to males, because it does.  But for my post’s sake, I will only be speaking from my own point of view.

“Do these things really happen to girls? Sexual harassment?”

  It’s not that it hasn’t happened before.  There are definitely stories that have come to light where girls have been sexually harassed or sexually assaulted in the past.  It’s just now there is more awareness since the world is more connected through social media.  This darkness has been brought to the light by the internet and it isn’t pretty.  I am constantly scrolling passed posts that talk about teaching our girls how to defend themselves, telling them not to walk home alone at night, not to wear certain clothing, and to be careful with their alcohol intake when going out.  Because the world isn’t full of good people.  There are some monsters out there that could care less about the wellbeing of our girls, and that’s the ugly truth.

“How do I send my daughter off to college knowing things like this happen?”

  Everyone wants to protect their daughters, sisters, or even just friends, but we can’t always be there for them 24/7.  My biggest advice to this mom was to raise her daughter to be self-aware and to be smart.  Be open to talking to her about things that make you uncomfortable, like drugs and sex.  The more aware children are about these things, the less likely they are to partake if they know something negative could happen from it.  Like drinking and driving, unprotected sex, or harder drugs can lead to life changing events.

  When I was in college, I had to learn the hard way that not everyone you met could be trusted.  There were people who were out on a mission, on a hunt, to find someone to take home at night.  If I hadn’t had my friends, I would’ve ended up being in a lot of really bad positions.  It’s not a joke.  These things happen, and you have to have those uncomfortable conversations.  Make sure you can trust who you go out with, and make sure there’s always a codeword that you can use if you feel uncomfortable.  It’s so sad that this has to be a thing that we do…

My experience in the gym today definitely verified that there are creeps out there

  One of the things I told the mom’s to do is to get their daughters active in sports or physical activity.  Making sure that they’re living an active lifestyle helps keep them on track toward a healthy lifestyle.  One of the mom’s stated that she enrolled her daughter in martial arts because she wants to make sure her daughter knows how to defend herself if anything were to happen.  This mom asked me if I had experienced any type of sexual harassment or assault, and sadly, I have.

  Much worse has happened to me in the past, but today, after talking to these mom’s, I’ve realized that even on post I’m surrounded by creepers.  I was minding my own business in the gym today.  I normally go in the evenings because there’s less people there since it’s after the post-work rush, but today I decided to go in a little earlier.  The gym was packed full, so I found myself a little corner in the mat room and continued my workout there.  About halfway into my workout, I heard a camera shutter.  In Korea, cellphones make shutter noises because it’s illegal to take photos of people in public without their permission.  That’s why there’s a shutter sound.

  This man was standing behind me in the mirror room while I was doing Romanian deadlifts, and he took my photo.  The angle that he had his phone at definitely showed that he wasn’t taking a selfie of himself, and even though the mirror was in front of us, I was in front of him.  I confronted him about the shutter sound and he looked like he was confused.  I had asked him if he had taken a photo of me and he denied it.  I went to a staff member to report him, and they asked to see his last photo – which was indeed, a photo of my ass.  Shit happens. I dealt with it.  They kicked him out and revoked his membership.

So what do we do about it as females?

  First, we stop tearing each other apart.  Second, we look out for each other instead.  Mentor younger girls to be smart, strong, and confident.  Fix each other’s crowns when they’re crooked.  Save a girl when you see that she’s in need of help because she’s being harassed.  It starts with you.  YOU can make a difference when you see a sister in need, so be that difference.  GUIDE. Love. Heal. PROTECT.

Taking a step back when you know you've exhausted your kindness

  We’ve all had that friend that seems like their life is always falling apart at its seams.  When one thing starts to go right, another thing starts to go wrong.  It always seems like this person just can’t catch a break, and you want to do what any good human would do and you want to help them out.

  You listen to their troubles and their woes.  You give advice when they ask for it.  You wipe their tears when they’re falling.  You help find solutions to their problems.  Despite your efforts in helping them, nothing seems to change because they aren’t changing.  They aren’t using the solutions, and they do the same routine and expect a different outcome.  Now it’s come to a point where they’ve exhausted all of your kindness, and you’re starting to feel the burden of their issues weighing down on your shoulders.  Being their friend has now impacted your life that you start to feel the negativity.  It’s become unhealthy. So how do you know it’s time you step away?

Believe patterns, not apologies

  It’s very difficult when you’re in a situation where your friend is constantly doing things that end up hurting you.  Second chances are always something that should be given, but multiple chances time and time again?  Those are hard to come around.  You may think that you’re being a good friend for not giving up on someone, but if it begins to take a toll on your mental well-being, then it’s probably time that you believe their patterns and not their apologies.

  Those apologies may seem sincere, and they may truly need help, but you can’t help anyone if you’re struggling too.  Someone who truly cares about you wouldn’t put you in a position where you’re their fallback when things go wrong, and then continue to damage your relationship.

Coercion into a friendship is not a friendship

  You should never be guilted into staying in a friendship, no matter what the circumstances are.  When someone starts trying to guilt you into a friendship, is it really a friendship or are you just there because you’re afraid of what the outcome would be if you left?

  I struggled with this a lot this past year, and it’s gotten me nothing but sleepless nights and anxiety attacks.  “You said you would always be there for me, but you lied.”  “You never cared about me in the first place, don’t pretend that you do now.”  “I’m going to kill myself because without you all of this would have been for nothing.”

  It’s hard to read, isn’t it?  When you’ve spent so much of your time trying to help someone, and they downgrade your care for them to nothing?  They place the responsibility of their life in your hands, and it’s up to you to stop them from doing anything stupid.  They aren’t showing you that they love you.  They’re placing guilt into your hands if anything were to go wrong, and that’s not cool.

Change comes only when they truly accept your help

  There’s no doubt that being a good friend is being there for each other through thick and thin, but even the strongest of friendships need a break sometimes.  When you’ve been pushed to the limit where your well-being is being sacrificed for the well-being of someone else, it’s time to take that break.  Speaking as a nurse, you can’t help people if you haven’t helped yourself first.  Your friend is going to have to understand that you’ve done all that you can, and that change is only made when they’ve decided that it’s time.  They need to believe it themselves.  They have to start doing things differently if they want a different outcome.  So step back, evaluate your situation, and see if it’s time for you to do some self-care.