Hellblade: How a Game Helped Me Understand My Wife

If you haven’t read my wife’s blog on her auditory hallucinations, you should read it prior to reading this blog.  It can be found here. 

As you’ve read, my wife experiences auditory hallucinations, and it’s been for some time now.  I just recently found out since it’s become more vocal in the past few months.  When I did, I didn’t see it as a big deal.  I came up with ways to help her when it became overwhelming.  My favorite was singing a song together, and it was a specific song.  So whenever I saw that it was too much for her, I would start softly with “ siiiiiiiing….,” then gradually get louder.  “Sing a soooooong.  SING OUT LOOOOOOUD.  SING OUT STROOOOOOOONG!!!”  And I’d sing louder and louder until it wasn’t bothering her anymore.  Plus, if I wasn’t there, it’d be something she could do that would help get her mind off of it. 

It’s easy to tell someone not to listen to the voices in their head

At times, I can say “it’ll be okay” and tell her to “just ignore it”, but it’d be very difficult for her to do so.  I can tell her it’s not real but it is to her.  For anyone who isn’t experiencing these hallucinations, it’s probably hard for them to understand what my wife is going through.  I can sympathize with her, but not empathize.

In order for me to truly understand something I have to experience it.  I may be a very understanding person, but this is something that is completely new to me.  I researched and read everything I could on it.  During my search, I remembered that there was a game that featured something similar to what my wife was experiencing.  The game is called “Hellblade: Senua’s Sacrifice,” and it’s a game that I’ve been wanting to play that I never got around to.  I thought that now would be the perfect time to do so.

How a game taught me about mental health

The game focuses on the heroine, Senua, and like my wife, she experiences auditory hallucinations (among other hallucinations).  Her goal is to save her lover’s soul from hell and fight her literal demons on her journey there.  The crazy part of this game is that IF YOU DIE TOO MANY TIMES, YOU LOSE ALL YOUR PROGRESS AND START FROM THE BEGINNING. This is no joke, I put that in caps for a reason. They will delete your game if you die too often, and the difficulty is intense at times.  It’s beautiful, gripping, and challenging. 

The best way to play this game, and the way I would recommend you play, is with headphones.  It’s truly an experience more than it is a game.  You’ll hear all the voices she hears, and according to my wife, it’s pretty accurate.  The game is very well researched and there’s even a special included on mental health.  While you’re playing, sometimes the voices will help, and sometimes they’ll instigate.  Sometimes they warn you, but the majority of the time, they bring you down.  From what I gathered from the game, it’s hard not to trust the voices when some of the things they say are true.

This game was a way for me to see what my wife is going through, and though it isn’t real, it’d be scary to think if it was.  What I remember most about this game is my wife telling me the type of voices that scare her.  So for me to truly understand what my wife is going through, I don’t think I ever will.  But by playing this game and opening my eyes to what life is like to experience auditory hallucinations against my will, I believe that I have learned so much more than what I am able to read online.

I’d recommend this game to anyone who is interest in learning about auditory hallucinations, or anyone who wants to play an overall good game.  The trailer can be found here, and a review from IGN can be found here.  If you’re experiencing auditory hallucinations, or any type of hallucinations, feel free to let us know and tell us how you cope.  Not only that, but let us know how others could help.  Sometimes, your support chain just isn’t sure what to do and could find this information useful.  There’s no judgement here, and I thank you for sharing.

Guest Post: How I Balance My Life as a University Student!

University is hard, but you’re tough too!

Being a student can be hectic when your mind is all over the place. You’re trying to figure out your career, your friends and find balance in the things you love. My first few months at university was one you could call a BIG MESS! I had no idea what I was doing, my fitness routine was running away from me and my social life was more important than my work life.

Someone once told me that feeling lost is the best blessing you could have. It gives you that time to experiment and explore the many options you don’t know is in front of you. Take it as an advantage to really find your passion and let your mind wander to somewhere you didn’t think it would take you.

After enjoying a bit of a social life, I realized that it was time to put my head down and focus on what I wanted to achieve throughout my time at university. Even though University is a tough time in terms of your education, I’ve never had so much freedom in opportunities and independence until now. You might be reading this like really Elouiza? While drowning in an essay.

This is how I’ve been able to balance my life as a student:

Outline my goals

I sit down, take a step back and think about what I want to achieve throughout University. It could be education related, something that you do on the side e.g achieve something in sports, or even money related e.g get a part-time job. This reminds me of why I will do the things I do and to also help me stay on track with everything going on as a Student. When you find out what you want to achieve, you’ll definitely become more motivated throughout your journey at university.

Create a routine

I look at my weekly schedule which includes: a part-time job, going to the gym, meeting my boyfriend and friends, and going to university. It can get tough, but time management is key. I try to create a rough routine that’s similar every day because things change a lot, so it’s less stressful when you’re not overly strict about your routine. When I have a day at university, it isn’t for the whole day, so I’ll utilize my time there and do things university related such as revision, group work or essay writing.

Prioritize but know when to stop

At the end of the day, University and doing well in my studies is more important than achieving my body goals... for now. Of course, I love going to the gym, but there are times when I know I need to sacrifice a workout and work on revision the day before an exam. I’m not saying put studies on top of everything every single day but know when it’s time to put your head down and get that essay sorted! However, don’t overdo the work part and know when it’s time to take a break and just go out for the day, evening or lunch. A little time out goes a long way.

ElouizaUpLifts is a lifestyle blogger that features University life, fitness, food, and productivity tips. Check her website out at: www.elouizauplifts.co.uk

The Experience of Taking Psychiatric Medications

I was afraid to try it because I was ashamed of what people would think of me if they found out…

  “I hate him because he’s always so freakin’ happy… Always smiling that cheesy smile…”  It’s hard to see others be so naturally happy when you’re just naturally sad.  It all seems like it’s some crazy fantasy; to imagine being that happy is a possibility for everyone… but me?  Why do I need help with it more than others do?

  It’s obvious that there is a stigma surrounding using psychiatric medications.  Movies often portray those with mental illness as people who cannot function “normally” in society and that we all belong in some asylum.  I’m here to tell you that there are many high-functioning people with mental illness, that’s to include myself.  Am I high-functioning?  I’m not really sure, I just want to feel special. Regardless of that, I take medications and I’m no longer ashamed. I’ll take my gigantic pill, very neatly organized pill box to work and pop it like it’s nothing.

  When you have cramps, or you strain a muscle, it’s so easily asked, “do you want some Ibuprofen?” or “do you want a Tylenol?”  When someone has a heart issue, it’s easy to place them on blood thinners or blood pressure medications.  All of which can be lethal in increased doses.  So why is it odd to hear that someone is on a medication that affects their brain?  Why are we suddenly treated like delicate flowers that will wither as soon as something presses against it?

  I take a couple of different medications that help control my mood and the symptoms that I get from my illnesses.  I’ve had to trial and error with other medications because some would make me feel sluggish, others would make me feel sick to my stomach, and others made my depression and mood swings much worse.  I feel like I’ve reached a point where I can take them without feeling awful.

  These things take time to make any change.  You start at low doses and work your way up to what helps you best.  It’s very important to not abruptly stop taking the medications because the repercussions could be much worse than the original signs and symptoms of your illness.  If you’re at your wits end with your mental illness, don’t feel shameful to ask your psychiatrist about medications that could best help you.

  There’s nothing wrong with taking medications.  It just means you’re intelligent enough to use the resources provided to you to help you feel a little bit better each day.

I ask that if I know you personally, to please do your best not to treat me differently. I have put myself out there bare bones to try and help reduce the stigma around mental illness. I have already accepted the fact that some of you cannot help it, so if that’s the case, please do not talk to me about it.

There’s this crappy situation that I have to re-write this blog due to a mishap while switching to our new layout. But I think it’s okay, because when I first wrote the blog, I was afraid to post it. It sat in my drafts folder for way too long. The things I wrote about had changed by then. In the previous blog, I focused on how the medications made me feel more than anything. I guess, this time around I have more to talk about, but I’ll try to include the content I can remember from the last post. I don’t understand the stigma behind taking psychiatric medications. I used to be so ashamed to ask for help, let alone medications… But starting them, I’m happy (haaa…) to say that they are starting to work. It was a rough first time go around. I’ll be more open on what I was taking as well.

My own experience in taking medications

I was first started on Effexor where I worked my way up to 150 mg. I felt nothing but nausea the entire time. Going on car rides was the most painful thing because it just made me want to yak all over the windshield every time. I was weaned off of Effexor, and started on Mirtazapine. Mirtazapine is something I still take, and it makes me the groggiest person in the morning. I always feel super slow and super heavy when I wake up. Sometimes I feel like I’m coming out of sedation. It makes going through my work day really difficult, although I do get some pretty legit sleep out of it.

On top of Mirtazapine, I was started on a low dose of Propranolol. It’s typical use is for cardiac medications, but at low doses, can be used to treat generalized anxiety. So far, it’s been very helpful in keeping my anxiety attacks at a minimum, and I have less time spent trying to “catch up with my heart”.

As you may have read, I also hear voices. I have become open about having auditory hallucinations, and if you want to call me crazy, then do it. But fair warning, you should never mess with crazy people, especially the ones that hear voices, ;). So I was started on a low dose of Abilify. I was extremely hesitant to take this medication since it is an anti-psychotic. It made me feel like I had officially been diagnosed psycho - which wasn’t the case. There’s a lot of things that have happened in my life that have required me to push the emotions down into a deep, dark box… That box was let open little by little, and everything started to pour out of me. Abilify really helps keep these dark thoughts in check.

Be patient, they don’t work instantaneously

The side effects are what will make you want to stop in the beginning. They’re awful, I’m not going to sugar coat that. You get nauseous, you can’t sleep, you get night sweats, nightmares, etc. The thing is, I was already having all of these symptoms before I started medications, so it’s not like it was any different. It was just more persistent. Nightmares got really intense to the point where I’d act out. Sean won’t tell you, but I’ve punched him in my sleep before, and he couldn’t do anything about it. But once you get past all of that, it’ll stop being as often, and you’ll start feeling better.

Break through the stigma

We’re so quick to offer Tylenol for fevers, Ibuprofen for sore muscles, and Midol for menstrual cramps. As soon as someone has something going on in their head, something you can’t see, then a negative stigma rises around it. The mind is the strongest organ you have. It’s ability to connect, retain, and create information… You’d be a fool not to take care of it the way you take care of every other organ. Just think of it as putting neosporin on your brain cells. Those synapses need some love too.

Don’t let anyone make you feel bad for seeking out treatment. I’m a very functional human being. I’ve gotten through nursing school, I’m a Commissioned Officer in the United States Army, and I’m a successful person. Don’t ever think that taking medications for your mental health will set you back.

You aren’t a fool for seeking help. You’re smart - because you’re utilizing the resources given to you to get better.

Did You Hear That? | What it’s like living with auditory hallucinations

  In 2016, I was doing my psychiatric ward rotation at Sacred Heart in Spokane.  We were learning about schizophrenia, and how auditory and visual hallucinations were very common.  When we were told that we were going to be doing an exercise that required us to wear a set of headphones that played a demonstration of auditory hallucinations, many of the girls were hesitant.  I was not.  I was not hesitant, because it was not the first time I had heard auditory hallucinations before.

  After my brother had passed away, for the first time ever, I had heard voices.  At first, I thought it was other people around me talking about me.  It wasn’t until I realized that even when I was the only one in the area, I would still hear voices.  I didn’t know what hallucinations were at the time, I was still young.  I was fifteen.  All I knew was I was afraid of what I would hear, so I always had music on, and it would make it better.

  To this day, I have auditory hallucinations, but it’s the first time that I’ve been open about it since learning about it in nursing school.  And honestly, it’s not that bad all the time.  Half of the time, I’m able to ignore it all together. 

 You can’t always tell what they’re saying

  The voices I hear aren’t always clear.  Most of the time it’s just garbled and muffled sounds.  When I do hear them, they’re not always mean.  Sometimes they just tell me that people are watching me, or they know my secrets.  Sometimes they say that I’m going to get hurt, or I’m going to be in danger if I go in somewhere.  It’s hard to not listen to the voices sometimes, but it’s not always as scary as it seems.

 It comes and it goes, it’s never constant

  It’s not like the voices are constant.  I’ve found that I hear them more often when I am under a lot of stress or there is an event that triggers something from my past.  It’s gone more often than you’d imagine.

 I named my voices so I wouldn’t feel too afraid of them

  My friend’s name is Billy.  I named him Billy from Billy and Mandy.  I’m Mandy, and Billy is just some bozo I bring around because I can make him do things.  Although it’s just a voice in my head, giving him a name to me doesn’t give him power, it gives me power.  Power to tell him to hush when I need him to hush.  The first voice I heard I named Billy.

 When I’ve had enough alcohol, I yell out at them

  I don’t typically like to drink too much alcohol nowadays.  I’ll have a beer or two now, and I’ll try to call it quits.  I’ve noticed that when I do end up drinking more than usual, I tend to yell out that Billy is not happy at all.  I also yell at Billy because he tends to become very overwhelming when I drink.

You can live with them

  I know it sounds scary with that last comment, but it really isn’t difficult to live with them.  Some days are worse than others, but most days are fine.  Throwing on some of my favorite music, and staying busy is what keeps the voices at bay.  I’m still a very functional adult, even with a few extra voices in my head.

Why We Decided to Elope in Secrecy

We wanted to be able to enjoy our time together as a newly wedded couple, not spend it taking photos with people we barely talked to.

   First off, I want to tell my husband happy 2nd anniversary and I love you!

  When I was younger, I always pictured myself being walked down the aisle by my daddy.  I wanted big flower arrangements along the aisle, with white seats, and a floral arch at the altar.  I thought of all the destinations I could possibly have this wedding so all my extended family could attend.  But the more I grew up, the less I envisioned those fantasies, and the more I envisioned just my husband and me.

  There’s something about having something as intimate as an elopement ceremony.  Of course, there’s pros and cons to having an elopement, but we definitely think that the pros outweighed anything bad we could think of.

Your love can be celebrated intimately

  I truly believe that something as intimate as a marriage between two people should be the focus of the event.  It’s about celebrating your love and finally coming together to form an unbreakable bond.  I feel like so much time gets put into planning big weddings, that you almost lose focus on why you’re planning such a momentous event.

You don’t need to worry about the guest list

  We had seven guests at our wedding.  Seven.  There was no need for any more than that.  We enjoyed the company of our parents, godparents, and my sister-in-law.  There was something special about being able to celebrate with the people who supported our love.  Although my dad was unable to attend because he was currently at another overseas location…  It also eliminates the difficulty of having to go through a massive list of people that you rarely talk to.

You don’t have to spend money on unnecessary items

  Giveaways?  Nope.  Center pieces?  Nope.  Candies?  Nope.  A DJ?  Nope.  You don’t have to skim Etsy for any of the weird, non-essential wedding pieces if you elope.  None of that matters.  The only things that are going to matter are the things you want to fill your day with.  You want to have that fancy breakfast with your family?  Go for it.  You want to spend a little extra money on your elopement photographer?  Do it.  No one ever keeps shot glasses with your initials on it anyway, so why waste the money?

You can spend more money on a destination wedding

  We did our destination elopement wedding in Copenhagen, Denmark.  It was relatively expensive for us because of the money conversion, but as far as expenses for elopement versus a wedding?  Nothing compares.  Our wedding turned into a vacation for our family, and we were all able to enjoy the city together.  We were married in the Copenhagen Wedding Chapel at their city hall, and it was just beautiful seeing all of the couples there ready to say their vows to each other.

  I’m not trying to talk down big weddings.  If it’s for you, then it’s for you.  If you had one, then I’m betting it was one of the best days of your lives.  Especially if you’re sitting here disagreeing with everything I’ve been saying.  I’m just saying that for those who are introverted like myself, elopements are the way to go.  It’s just you and your partner, till death do you part.