Breaking the Stigma

My wife was a very closed person when it came to her mental health.  I asked on several occasions to try and go with her to one of her appointments, but to no avail.  It wasn’t until recently that I’ve been able to attend her sessions at behavioral health.  I’ve gone to a total of 2 different sessions from 2 different doctors, and even then, I noticed a stigma about mental health.

What struggles do you face?

In our last session, I felt as if a lot of the questions had been directed towards me.  Let me clarify that when I say directed, I mean, I was asked questions about myself.  Initially, it was more about how we met and how we were doing.  But the question that struck me most was “what struggles do you face?” 

I didn’t really pay attention to it at first.  I spoke about our distance and how being 3 hours apart is extremely difficult for us, but also the best situation that we’ve ever been in.  If you are unaware, my wife and I have primarily lived apart due to the military.  When I say this is our best situation, it’s better than being a continent apart like we were before.  I brought up my fear of her hurting herself in her sleep (It’s a side effect of her medications.  She’ll have such vivid and emotional dreams that she will occasionally hurt herself by accident while she’s sleeping.)  This is one of my greatest fears when I’m not there because I can’t do anything to help her.  After expressing other similar concerns, he reiterated the question.  “Besides logistical factors, what struggles do you face?”

I didn’t understand the question.  I said that it’s all logistical, which is not what the doctor was looking for.  It had to be broken down to me.  My wife brought up Caregiver Burnout.  He wanted to know what struggles I had since I’m the primary caregiver for my wife, and how I’ve dealt with it.  If you are unfamiliar with the term, Caregiver Burnout is defined by WebMD as “a state of physical, emotional, and mental exhaustion that may be accompanied by a change in attitude -- from positive and caring to negative and unconcerned.”

The negative connotations of mental health

I was really taken back.  Just because my wife has been seeking help for her mental health does not necessarily mean that it impacts us negatively.  I love her.  If my wife recognizes a problem where she needs to seek help, I want to be there and support her through it.  It’s not a burden or troublesome to me.  It’s what I want to do for her.  I want her to heal and I know me being with her through these tough times helps her significantly.  It not only means a lot to her, but it means the world to me.  I want my wife to be happy, and her happiness is what matters most.

And now that my wife has finally opened up to me about her biggest insecurities.  I can see why she has never opened up to me in the past.  Just being asked about my struggles instead of keeping the focus on my wife during her session immediately implies that I will be impacted negatively due to her diagnosis.  It’s such a scary thought.  The term “dealing” had been used as well.  I strongly feel that it is the wrong word to use.  Dealing implies some sort of compromise, a give and take type of scenario.  Well, this isn’t the place for that.  If you really love someone, you shouldn’t have to deal with them to help them.  It should be something that you want to do, selflessly and wholeheartedly.

After I expressed my feelings of love and affection for my wife, the focus went back to her.  I held her hand, wiped her tears (but not the snot), and then comforted her for the remainder of the day.  I was just joking about the snot btw lol.  But now that my second session was complete, what did I learn? 

Well, I learned that my wife fears that she is a burden just because of how the world perceives our situation.  I truly hope she knows that this is not the case.  It really brings to light why it’s so difficult for people to open up to their loved ones.  Not only that, but to seek help.  If people have this belief that the ones closest to them see them as a burden, then why would it be different for a complete stranger, such as a medical specialist, to see them as otherwise? 

This is the type of mentality that has to change.  If you know someone who is experiencing something similar to us, help them. It’s difficult enough opening up about how we feel to someone else, imagine what it’s like trying to express your emotional state.  And if someone does open up to you, know that they trust you with all their being.  Do the best you can for them and though they may not say it, know that you’re making a positive impact on their life.

Have a similar story?  Feel free to share it with us. 

10 Things About Being a Geo-Bachelorette

I'd go anywhere with you.

  Distance only makes the heart grow fonder, right? I guess this is something that I've always had to convince myself. It's harder on the nights where everyone you know is doing their own thing with their S.O. and you're at home sitting on the couch eating a pint of Halo chocolate ice cream. Unluckily, my husband and I are not going to be living together for at least another year and a half. That's the harsh reality of being a dual military couple, and having to live the life of a "geo-bachelor/bachelorette."

  And although I'm accustomed to the saying that "everyone has their own battles," trust me when I say, "I don't give a damn that your S.O. travels for a week of work once in a blue moon." Especially if they're in the same state, same country, same continent, or same hemisphere for that matter. Because living this life, even though I put up with it every day, is probably the shittiest way to live a "happily" married life.

  Now that I've gotten my pity party out of the way, there's at least ten things I've gained from being a geo-bachelorette... Are they legit or nah?

10. There is so much less to clean

I don't know about you, but I have the habit of walking around my house and fixing small things when they're out of place. Even if it means shoving a bunch of papers into a cabinet so the clutter is out of sight. My husband isn't that messy, but he's definitely not up to my standard of OCD clean. He tries, and I think that's the best part of having him home. Watching him show me that he tidied up with a big smile on his face... it shows me that he cares. The sad part is after he leaves from a long visit, I actually miss his mess... but just for a little bit.

9. You can watch whatever you want on Netflix

I binge Netflix like it's everybody's business, including my sister-in-law and her boyfriend, since we all share my husband's account (thanks for letting us all leech, babe!) So if I want to watch an entire season of RuPaul's Drag Race after a four day stretch of work, then by all means, I am going to watch two seasons. No longer will I have to hide in another room while my husband watches the Walking Dead!

8. You can eat things that you want to eat

My husband tends to eat the same 4 to 5 dishes in rotation when he's at home. When he asks me to guess what he's eating, I only have to guess a few different things: spam & eggs, tocino & eggs, longanisa & eggs, pizza rolls, or ramen & soft boiled eggs. My husband isn't a complicated fellow, and I know that he has a better palate than this... but I can be happy in my home, sharing healthy food with my mom.

7. Jetsetter Status - You earn a lot of air mileage

I don't think I've earned quite the amount of miles my husband has, as he's been to Europe four times this year, but I'll get there. The biggest con to this pro is that it is expensive to see each other. (There's always got to be a little bad with the good.) But when we do earn enough miles, it makes the reward a little better. Plus having such short bursts of time together, we always use that time to explore different countries. Talk about international love.

6. The small things become the most meaningful

When my husband visits and he makes me coffee before work, and gets me yogurt with the infamous "banana, granola, chia seeds, and coconut" toppings, I can almost guarantee that my ovaries go into overdrive. Because even when I snooze my alarm to soak in his warmth for the iPhone's 7-minute snooze, he takes care of those things so I don't have to. When he sits in my patient lounge and talks with them while I work, so we can have lunch together... When he leaves the scent of his cologne on my pillows after I drop him off at the airport... Okay, I'm tearing up just writing this, but you get what I mean!

5. You become very good at listening to them

I used to struggle with this a lot when we first started dating, but we have grown so much since then. Whether it be a state or an ocean that separates you, listening is the one thing you can do to guarantee a strong relationship. It builds your trust in each other, it gives you insight to how they're feeling that day, and you really get to know your partner on a different level. Of course communication is part body language, but that's why we have our handy-dandy Skype apps.

4. "One please!" - You're not uncomfortable traveling alone and eating out for one

I live for the days when I can hear my husband say "two please!" But when I'm alone, I've become comfortable going to a restaurant and sitting by myself, or just ordering out.

3. You have time to focus on yourself

This is probably the most selfish thing I have to say about being a geo-bachelorette. I have so much time to focus on all of the things that I've been wanting to accomplish. My workout routine has gotten so intense since I've moved to Germany, so not only my physical health, but my mental health has gotten a big boost here. I'm working on my second year of nursing here, and I've already gained so much experience in my career. If my husband lived here, all I would want to do is go home to be with him, but since he's not waiting for me at home with food, then I'm more open to spending time at work when I need to.

2. You learn to value each other's company

Being in the military, we can't really plan out very far ahead in advance. Tickets are a last minute buy, every time. Training, FTXs, and different programs come up and ruin our plans frequently. We've survived two deployments and one overseas tour already. So when we see each other, we make sure we try to pack in as much "things we should have been doing as a married couple" that we can. Since we've been married, we've only been together a little less than a month.

1. Every reuniting kiss feels like a first kiss

With #2 being said, every time we are reunited, it feels like we're in the honeymoon stage all over again. Honestly I don't think we ever left, but that's just me. I know there are people out there saying, "what if you hate each other when you do live together?" Well, those people obviously don't know how me and my husband are. He drives me crazy, but he's my favorite type of crazy. I'll take every "first kiss" I can get from him.

Today is definitely one of those days that I have to convince myself that being apart right now isn't as bad as it seems. I get to grow, he gets to learn his new role as an officer, and... that's it really. Because living apart really sucks. I need to think of more things to convince myself that I'll be okay.

Tales Behind the Tail | How My Dog Saved My Life

She may not be human, but she is my child, and she’s the reason for me to keep pushing through life.

The day my dog came into my life

Everyone seemed to scan the room with their eyes trying to catch hints from each other; hints that I hadn’t been picking up. I knew there was something strange when I received the last gift that Christmas. I remember the moment that I opened my first Bark Box for Okami. I was so confused until I saw this tiny, furry potato of a dog run out into the circle of wrapping paper. My husband gifted me Okami on Christmas 2016. I didn’t get to spend too much time with her after I got her because of my housing situation, school, and work, so I was very scared that she wouldn’t know who I was when we were reunited. I was wrong about that though - I’ve had Okami since April 2018, and we have been inseparable since.

When Okami was younger, she was very standoffish. She wasn’t very keen on human or animal interaction. She was more catlike than she was dog. It made sense to me, because our Okami girl is very independent. She likes that you are present in the room, but that doesn’t meant she needs you to shower her with love. At least, that’s how it used to be. Now Okami girl gets jealous when Sean and I are playing video games, or if he is getting more attention from me than she is. She loves to cuddle with us in bed, and she enjoys being pet at all times of the day. Since we’ve been together more frequently, we have all grown very close and we thank her for that.

My dog is my hero

My dog springs to my side when she feels that I am in distress, pain, or danger. I have noticed that she is more aware of how I am feeling than my husband is. She is by my side when I am sick - so much as walking me to the bathroom when I’m not feeling well. Lately, I have been going through an emotional and mental battle with myself, and she knows that more than anyone. She helps me in ways even the best psychiatrists and mental health specialists could. She doesn’t attack me with questions of '“why?” She just sits there and gives me her unconditional love, and that’s just what I need in that moment. There’s so many things my dog has helped me through, the world can’t even imagine.

“A dog is the only thing on the Earth that loves you more than themselves.”

The way that she looks at me with concern when I’m having an emotional break down. Her eyes get wide, and her ears fall back, and she nudges her cold little nose against my cheeks. She licks my tears off my cheeks until I laugh at her. Once she gets me to laugh, she snuggles her head into my arms and lays down next to me. She knows the power she has over my heart, and she isn’t ashamed to be close anymore. She’s saved my life when I had strong thoughts of suicide running through my head. It was always a scary place until she came along.

This is why I wanted to go with the name Okami & Co. She is the center pillar of our family, and we love her very much. So we hope you decide to stay connected and see how our family continues to grow!

Pinterest: @okamiandco
Twitter: @okamiandco
Instagram: @stayaloha

Let Me Introduce Myself | The Momma

A new journey awaits us, and it’s not going to be like the others.

A lion sleeps in the heart of every brave woman

Hi there! My name is Jaclyn, and I’m the momma of this little family. I find it really hard to write this blog only because I feel like I’ve introduced myself to you multiple times. Even though that may be the case, I want you to get to know a little more about me. First off, I am a twenty-something year old Filipina living overseas. I do your typical Filipina career, you guessed it! I am a Registered Nurse. The only kick I get out of my career to differentiate myself from my counterparts is I’m one of the (still many) Filipina Nurses in the U.S. Army. I’ve lived 18 years of my life outside of the United States because of my parents, and it’s shaped me into the person I am now.

I’ve been in the Army for almost three years, and I’ve been practicing nursing for almost 5 years (to include student capstones, volunteering, etc). I still haven’t found my niche in the nursing world yet, but I am mostly interested in learning about the neonatal/pediatric population. Working with children already scares people to the bones, but working with sick children? It’s like a someone’s worst nightmare. It takes a special kind of nurse to work with critically ill children, and I think that I’ve got what it takes. Only because I believe that children are much more resilient than adults are, and that may be because of their imaginations. The world hasn’t tainted their hearts with the kind of fear that destroys hope.

Values are what make up a person’s characteristics

I’ve always held four values near my heart: Guide, Love, Heal, Protect. My mom gifted me my very own Pandora bracelet that had charms symbolizing all of those values, and it’s probably the greatest thing in the world.

Guide

Guide for me has mostly been to guide my younger brother to make the right decisions in life. Every mistake that I’ve made, and I’ve made plenty, I just hope he doesn’t have to make them. I want him to learn from my mistakes, and not have to struggle the way that I did growing up. I try to guide my junior Soldiers to progress through their careers and be the best that they can be. I want them to understand that they’re a part of a team, and when it comes down to it, the only people they’ll have are those to the left and right of them. I guide my patients to make healthier decisions to improve their quality of life, and to try and get better. We don’t realize how often we guide people on a day to day basis, so make sure you’re giving advice you would take yourself.

Heal

As a nurse, I think this is pretty self-explanatory that I feel a deep need to help heal those in need. But this is holistic healing. Suffering from mental illness myself, I find that behavioral and mental health gets overlooked. I’ve come from a past where I’ve had two very close people had committed suicide because they showed no signs, and spoke to no one about it. I want to take away the stigma of mental illness so those who really need help, won’t be afraid to reach out for it. If you or someone you know needs help, please get them the proper help that they need, listen to them, or help them find someone they trust.

Love

My love consists of my love for my family, friends, and anyone that I help heal. I’ll hit them with that agape love, you know what I mean? Agape love is self-less love, and is thought to be the highest form of love. My love for my family and friends runs deep. My family has overcome turmoil and disaster time and time again. At one point, it seemed like there was no hope escaping the darkness. But our love for each other lit the way for us to rekindle our spirits. My love for my own little family now is something that’s unbreakable. We have already gone through so much in our few years together, but our love has truly overcome all.

Protect

When I was younger, my sole purpose in life was to protect the one brother I had left, Joey. After we had lost our older brother to heart break, Joey’s heart was something that I saw as completely fragile. Now that he’s all grown up, I think I can let him take care of himself. Now my focus is on protecting myself and my family. There have been many things that have come and tried to break the bonds between me and my little family, but they will not succeed. The love that I have for Sean, that’s something that can never be erased, and I will protect his heart as much as he protects mine. Just like how we want to protect those with fragile hearts in the world. We want you to know, you are never alone when you’re a part of our family. We will always do our best to make time to listen.

Hobbies that take up my time

Athens, clocking in at 5:25:25 for my first full marathon

Being a gym rat all day, every day

When I’m not working as a nurse, you can find me in the gym lifting weights. About a year ago, I would call myself a hardcore, dedicated runner. I trained for a bunch of races to include Athens Original Marathon, Disney Paris Half, and the Mont Saint Michel Half. I kept telling Sean that I didn’t like weight lifting, and honestly it’s because I was intimidated by everyone in the gym. When I started to get foot pain, I couldn’t run as far anymore, so I started to lift weights. Now, running the dreaded 2-mile test for the Army is difficult for me to even think of. But now that I’ve gotten surgery on my foot, I’m hoping after my recovery, I can get back to some cardio work. It’s not easy to be a couch potato for this long.

I’m working on becoming a health coach, so I’ve started my short journey with a girl I met in college, Victoria. I joined a Beachbody group, and I’m really hoping that this gives me the short amount of cardio that I need to get my ticker back into shape before I head back to the states. I want to become a health coach because I like the idea of holistic healing in nursing. When you get to us in the hospital, we cure whatever it is you are diagnosed with. I want to help keep you out of the hospital though. That’s why I think it’s important that people take their health seriously!

Capturing the moment through photography

Photography has always been something that I’ve been interested in. Ever since I got my first Panasonic point and shoot camera when I was younger. My husband has helped me upgrade to a Nikon DSLR camera, equipped with different lenses and flashes to make sure we get the right shot. I’m still learning, and he’s been the most helpful teacher. He encourages me to take photos because he tells me I have a “good eye” for things, and I’m hoping he’s right. All of the photos in our gallery are taken by us, and edited by myself, so you should check that out here! Follow me on Instagram (@stayaloha) if you want to stay more up-to-date on my photos.

Enough about me

I hope you stay tuned with us. We’ve got high hopes for Okami & Co to grow and make new family and friends from around the world!

Love, Jaclyn & Co.

Claim your Fur Mom title!

  Having a four-legged pal is probably one of the best things that you could ever be blessed with. Almost everyone that I know has owned a family dog because their parents bought it for them when they were kids. Now that I am the adult in my house, I am fully responsible for everything that my dog does. At least when you were a kid, all you had to deal with was the fun stuff, like taking the dog out, playing with the dog, feeding the dog, bathing the dog, etc. Since it's only me and my furry girl, I am in charge of her appointments, her documents, buying all of her things, making sure she's well socialized so she doesn't go crazy talking to me all day.

  I know what you're thinking, "this girl is crazy, having a dog is nothing like having a kid." Well, I can't even tell you how to compare the two, because I don't have a kid to compare my dog to. I've taken care of a lot of newborn babies, infants, and toddlers. I know that it's extremely challenging. Being a nanny all throughout college, I know that raising kids is a whole different level of parenting. So maybe it's not like having a human child. I didn't have to push it out of me and go through all the pain of the "beginnings of Motherhood", but there is still a lot of responsibility when owning a furry companion. And if you don't believe me, look at your dog right now and tell me that you don't consider that love pup a big part of your family. (And if you said no, then you sit on a throne of lies.)

Okami going through a mood on her birthday

  Just kidding, not really. Anywho, I brought my dog over from the states and she's finally settling into becoming a European doge. She's not a fan of the busy streets. She's not a fan of the barking dogs around our neighborhood. She's not really a fan of being left alone when I go to work for 13 hours at night. We've both had to make some adjustments. She's tried to run away twice, once from the house and once from the dog park. She didn't eat her first week here, but she's starting to gain her appetite back. And her times for her actual sleep schedule (not her morning, afternoon, and evening naps) were all screwed up.

  Luckily, being on night shift allows me to be with her throughout the day when I'm not terrified to walk in the forest to tucker her out with a 5-mile walk. The only downside to that is that I am sacrificing all of my sleep to tend to my Shiba-baby. No, I know, it's still "not as bad" as having a human child so you can hush now, thanks.

  When my dog has a bad day, I know it because she doesn't listen to me. She gets stubborn, she rebels (ie. runs away very quickly without any regards to moving vehicles.) She'll cry literally all day. And if you've ever heard the yelp of a Shiba, then you might as well think it's a dying child, because it's God awful. She'll get sick. She gets hurt. She needs attention, love, and care just like a child would. But no, she's still not a child, and I get that.

Happy baby Okami

  But I love my dog. I love her like I love babies. And I'm sure when the day comes that I have my own human child, then I'll see what this "big difference" is in Motherhood.  But since that's not an option for me right now, I'm going to keep posting my fur-child photos in her cute little t-shirts, mini doge backpack, and yellow rain jacket. I'm going to complain about my lack of sleep, and all of the messes she makes in the house (which isn't a lot, but this fur, my God... let me tell you my new found relationship with my duster...) I'll always find it hard to leave home without her, and I'm terrified when I place her in the care of others. She's my baby. And if anyone has the balls to tell me that my dog isn't important enough because she isn't a human, then seriously, fuck off. I don't think I've cussed too much on my blog or on my social media posts, but really, fuck off mate. Delete me, do it, cause I don't need that negativity in my life, lol. BYEEEE.