Homeless woman struck on I5 Northbound

That’s what I imagined the title would be if an article were written about her. I didn’t know her name. I didn’t know her background story. It wasn’t the kind of patient death I was used to. I typically know why my patients code, or why they pass. I usually know the background story of their life, and I get to know them. But this one hit me differently in the heart. I didn’t know a single thing about her. I don’t even know if she was homeless, but looking at her disheveled clothing and overall appearance, it was unlikely that she had access to a home.

It was my first day of work and I was driving on I5 North, right before Tukwila when I saw her body get struck by the van in front of me, and flip into the adjacent lane. Luckily no one else had hit or run her over. I pulled over as quickly as I could when I realized that it was not a jacket that flew out of a car. I ran back with my stethoscope to check on she was doing. I checked her heart rate, her pulse, and watched her take in agonal breaths. (death breathing).

Luckily someone pulled up with a first aid kid that had gloves, and I checked her body for any obvious wounds. The wound that I knew would cost her her life was the one directly to the back of her head where she struck concrete. Her hat laid next to her filled with gelatinous red goop. Her black messy hair tangled around the wound. It wasn’t looking like anything was going in her favor. I stayed with her while someone was on the phone with 911, awaiting paramedic and police arrival. Another nurse was with me watching her breathe. We kept yelling to “stay with us,” “it’s going to be okay.” I kept providing sternal rubs to try and keep her awake. Nothing came from her mouth except froth. I tried to check her capillary refill but her fingernails were so blackened, like she had been cold for so long. Every moment that passed, my heart broke a little more.

This woman with no name and no story was dying in front of me, surrounded by traffic instead of family. Surrounded by strangers and not friends. By the time I was handed a police report for my statement, the paramedics had secured her to a stretcher, and I watched her be taken away. I cried and I shook as I watched her leave. I would never know the outcome, but I knew deep down inside that it would be hard to bring her back from a head trauma that severe. Her pupils fixed and dilated. Gasping for breaths.

The image haunts me at night. The image plays in the back of my mind as I drive down the freeway. My eyes scan the street for where her blood was now washed away by the PNW rain. People say I was meant to be there in that specific moment, for her. Some people say that I could’ve been the thing between life and death. But the only thought I have left of her is her image and her blood stain on my white sweater. The only thing I have for her, is my prayers that wherever she is, she’s at peace, and hoping that all the people are right about her being okay.

Why you’re not where you want to be right now

I have a lot of dreams and aspirations, and I feel like I want to put them into work this coming year. I want to have goals, things that I can attain and say, “hell yeah I did that!” So why am I not where I want to be right now?! Why are YOU not where you want to be right now?! Cause we got all the damn excuses in the world, and here are my four main ones.

The difference between dreams and goals is that you work towards a goal.

“I’ll do it tomorrow”

Procrastination never got me anywhere good. It’s like looking at your laundry pile up and saying “yeah I’ll get that done” until you realize you only have one pair of clean underwear left and you only have socks that are missing their pairs. For me, it’s when I say “I’ll water the plants tomorrow” and 3 weeks later, I’m wondering why my Swiss cheese plant isn’t looking so good. Well, it’s because it’s a desert in it’s pot, and it’s my fault for putting it off.

I always have 2-3 major tasks I want to complete in a day, and applying for school is always one of them. It’s always a “I’ll look into it tomorrow” or “this is going to take too much of my time to do the application process, so I’ll do it when I have more time.” It’s awful how I always bump that to the bottom of my list. I’m lucky that the school I want to apply to does rolling enrollments, because if it didn’t, I’d have to wait even longer to apply. I swear I’ll apply before the end of the year. (We’ll see.)

“I’m not ready yet”

Will you ever be ready? In college, I would study for the NCLEX before I even got into nursing school. I was reading ahead of all of my classes, even before I was in the class. I was the student who always liked to be prepared ahead of time. I’d say nerdy shit like “if I read it beforehand, it’ll just end up being a review in lecture.” Yeah, that was me, overly prepared. So you can imagine what I feel like now when I want to set a goal and I don’t even know what my goal is. How do you even prepare for stuff like that? I was never ready to be a mom, and I’ve learned to wing it literally every day of Maverick’s life. And he’s still going strong! Just goes to show that you really don’t need to be ready to make life decisions, you just need to be flexible and adapt well. And if you fail one day, you remain resilient the next day!

“There’s so much stuff going on, I can’t handle it” or “I don’t have enough time”

If you’re able to binge watch HBO Max, then you have enough time to do anything. If you have enough time to check your 4runner forum on Reddit for 45 minutes, you have enough time to clean your actual 4runner (yep, that’s directed toward my husband, FIGHT ME FOOL.) Just kidding, my husband’s car is always clean, thank the Lawd. But seriously, if you have enough time to scroll through Instagram, you have enough time to write a blog or read a chapter in a book. If you have enough time to send tweets (do people still do this?) then you have enough time to try that new recipe you’ve been eyeing. There’s always time, and the important thing is managing our time. Because studies show that busy people get shit done, and those without a schedule usually don’t. I mean, it’s obvious why right?

I know for me that when I have nothing planned, I take the day less seriously. I feel like I have all the time in the world, so I fill my time with useless things like window shopping on Chrome, or watching Reels on Insta. But when I have days where it’s packed tight with events, then I actually am more productive, and that’s because I dedicate time to things. Which is why being on terminal leave was so hard for me because my days were literally filled with nothingness.

SO GET OUT THERE & MAKE GOALS.

So are you going to make goals now, or are you going to wait until next year? Because next year is in 21 days, partner! So even if you’re trying to procrastinate, guess what, you can’t! Let’s not wait another 365 days to make moves. LET’S GET IT DONE TOGETHER.

Traits of toxic people - people you should reconsider in 2021

I started this blog back in the end of last year when I was still in group therapy, and I’m going to revisit it. It all still applies too, while searching for healthy relationships, it’s important to maintain your boundaries on the toxic ones.

December 2020: It’s been awhile since I wrote in my blog, and it’s honestly because group therapy has been going well, but I also got readmitted to the psych unit this past week. I’m finding myself having to use more coping mechanisms more often. Luckily, I’ve been extended in group therapy, and I’m still getting the help that I need. With that being said, group isn’t always the easiest place to be. I’m in an environment where I become anxious and irritable because of who may be in the room with me. This is pushing me to actively cope throughout the day, which in return is absolutely draining. It’s teaching me to let go of people I thought I could consider good friends. I’ve had to examine every friendship I’ve had this year and choose who I keep close. So here are some of the traits that are a no-go for me for the year 2021.

My nervous system tells me that I am not comfortable around them

Usually when you have someone coming over to your house or you’re heading over to someone’s house, you get excited. That’s the normal reaction. You’re excited to see them and spend time with them. Too many times this year did I find myself more anxious to go to someone’s house than I was excited. I knew that there were so many things that were going to overstimulate me in the environment. I would come home more exhausted than I was refreshed. I felt more drained than anything. That’s not how you should leave a friend’s house. You shouldn’t feel more exhausted than you started. You shouldn’t be having tachycardia because you’re nervous. Listen to your nervous system. Literally, listen to your gut.

They spread negativity, not just to you, but to everyone

I had a friend who would never encourage me to do better or that everything was going to be okay. She would always tell me sad stories and mishaps that could happen, even though there was a slim chance of it actually happening. Instead of the normal, “if you need help, I’m here and I got you” talk, I’d get the, “Oh Jakki it only gets harder and you’re going to struggle and you better love every moment of it” talk. Which was super discouraging, and it made it seem like every moment I had coming up was going to be a miserable one. It was just extra draining to always try and take her negativity and make it into something positive. I’m not talking about toxic positivity, because of course having a little hardship is okay, but it was just not at all encouraging.

You catch them frequently lying

One thing that always threw me off with one of my ex-friends was that when I would talk to another friend, they’d hear about the same story, but with some pretty significant differences. I hated feeling like I was being lied to because stories never matched. Even small lies about things that didn’t matter. I think that’s a huge red flag. It’s okay to have a little white lie like if you don’t feel like hanging, you just say you have other plans, even if those other plans only include Netflix. But to lie about something like me not liking a friend or telling me to come an hour later to an event so I don’t see said friend, that’s not cool. This friend blatantly tried to keep me from forming a friendship with someone by telling me they didn’t want to hang out, but it backfired when me and that girl finally linked up and cleared the air.

You’re constantly giving and getting nothing in return

I don’t ask for much in return, but there is an expectation that everything I give will come back to me. When you have friends who are constantly mooching off of you, that isn’t okay either. Just because you’re friends doesn’t mean you have to be their provider too. And it’s okay if you have the understanding that “I got it this time, you’ll get it next time,” but if it’s always you then that’s not cool. This also goes for honesty, just like the previous point I made when talking about lying. If you’re being honest and up front about everything, you should be able to expect that in return. Trust is a two way street, and that’s something that you should always maintain your boundary on.

They always play the victim - nothing is ever their fault, so they’ll never apologize

I used to have this friend that would always find a way to turn everything around and make it seem like they were the victim instead of the one in the wrong. This is the same friend that would lie about so much stuff, and when she got caught, she’d gaslight her way out of it. Gaslighting examples are like, “I’m sorry that you misunderstood the situation” or “you’re being unreasonable, it’s crazy of you to think that I would ever do that!” Gaslighting makes you think twice about what you’re saying and tries to change your perception of a situation. That’s not cool either. One thing I do like is when people take ownership of their mistakes and their faults and genuinely apologize for it. Because lets be real, toxic people will stop talking to you before they consider apologizing to you.

LATE NIGHT THOUGHTS: A journey WITH happiness

They say that happiness isn’t a destination, it’s a journey. You can’t constantly be in state of happiness because it’s unnatural. That’s when we get into toxic positivity; bottling up "negative” emotions and not dealing with them until they erupt because you can’t hold it in any longer. That’s why I titled this post “A journey with happiness” instead of “On the road to happiness.” Being happy takes constant effort, but it takes managing all emotions instead of trying to be just one single emotion.

It’s allowing everything to blossom within you. A rose doesn’t only let the flowers grow, it lets the thorns grow too. Those thorns can seem dangerous at first, but you can’t admire the rose without being aware of the thorns, just like our more “negative” emotions. I keep putting negative in quotation marks because they aren’t necessarily negative, but are perceived to be so. Why is that? Why is being sad or down seen as a negative emotion? Why can’t emotions just be emotions rather than categorized into “positive” and “negative” emotions?

I guess I’m writing this blog because in therapy, I keep getting told “you must be feeling more positivity being home.” I mean, technically I guess if you can say that I’m happy to be home, but I wouldn’t say that my “happy meter” is any higher than it was before. It’s about the same, except now I have support, which of course makes a huge difference in my overall wellbeing and attitude.

I just feel annoyed when people make it seem like happiness is an end goal rather than something that you consistently need to work with rather than towards. I get annoyed when we’re constantly shoving tasks and outcomes into the spaciousness of our lives, rather than settling into whatever it is that moment has to offer. We’re afraid of sitting within our all of our emotions, so we hustle toward happiness, thinking that it’ll make a difference, but it won’t. It’ll be temporary, until we have to work toward it again.

I think it would just be easier if we were taught to manage actually feeling our feelings rather than working to just get rid of the feelings we don’t want to feel. Who knows, maybe I’m just up too early with a lot of thoughts on my mind. Maybe I need to go back to sleep, whatever. I’ll post this. Thanks for reading if you got this far. Let me know what you think in the comments or something, or throw me a like. Peace.

Things you can do on the weekend that don't require alcohol

Go out and watch a movie | Unless you’re going to a place like Flix Brewhouse or the Alamo Drafthouse, then you’re more than likely not going to be served alcohol in the movie theater. It’s good, old school fun to go to the movies with friends. Don’t you remember the time before everything went straight to streaming, you actually had to go buy a ticket to see the movie in theaters?! Why don’t we go back to that. Grab some popcorn and the soda you know you won’t be able to finish, and enjoy a movie.

Go to a concert sober | It’s so weird thinking that you could go to an event sober, but it actually was pretty legit to be able to remember the night and not worry about doing anything stupid like spilling a beer on someone in the crowd. You actually get to enjoy the music and the experience! It’s worth a shot, honestly. Plus, you can drive home safely afterwards!

Bake cookies | Dude, cookies go with milk. They don’t go with alcohol.

Play board games or video games! | Did you know that there’s a new Mario Party out? Did you know that Animal Crossing New Horizons just got a massive update separate from their Downloadable Content?! Did you know that the new XBOX is coming out, and that Halo comes out next month?! So many new video games to play. Or just crowd around the dining room table and play a good old fashioned board game like Animal Crossing Monopoly, available at a Target near you, lol.

Hot cocoa & sip instead of wine & sip | It’s the holiday szn and most places are starting to sell their hot cocoa starter kits. You know what I’m talking about, the kits that come with two mugs, and some spoons covered with chocolate and peppermint pieces. I know you’ve seen them at Target. They’re past the alcohol section, most likely with the Christmas decorations that you’ve already visited 15 times this month. Opt for the hot cocoa, it’ll keep you warmer than wine will since alcohol decreases your internal body temperature. No, an alcohol blanket in the cold is not a real thing, and it’s actually dangerous to think that it works. So cuddle up with some cocoa.

Explore your city! | I'm going to be totally honest and say that Sean and I refuse to really go out and explore El Paso. We love exploring, but the desert doesn’t appeal to us like that, and we occasionally go and try new places to eat, only to miss the taste of home. But that shouldn't stop you from exploring whatever city you're in. Go to an art show, a museum, or a small festival in your area. You'd be surprised (I know, I know…) at how much you can find in your city if you look hard enough. And that doesn't require booze, 😊