Traits of toxic people - people you should reconsider in 2021

I started this blog back in the end of last year when I was still in group therapy, and I’m going to revisit it. It all still applies too, while searching for healthy relationships, it’s important to maintain your boundaries on the toxic ones.

December 2020: It’s been awhile since I wrote in my blog, and it’s honestly because group therapy has been going well, but I also got readmitted to the psych unit this past week. I’m finding myself having to use more coping mechanisms more often. Luckily, I’ve been extended in group therapy, and I’m still getting the help that I need. With that being said, group isn’t always the easiest place to be. I’m in an environment where I become anxious and irritable because of who may be in the room with me. This is pushing me to actively cope throughout the day, which in return is absolutely draining. It’s teaching me to let go of people I thought I could consider good friends. I’ve had to examine every friendship I’ve had this year and choose who I keep close. So here are some of the traits that are a no-go for me for the year 2021.

My nervous system tells me that I am not comfortable around them

Usually when you have someone coming over to your house or you’re heading over to someone’s house, you get excited. That’s the normal reaction. You’re excited to see them and spend time with them. Too many times this year did I find myself more anxious to go to someone’s house than I was excited. I knew that there were so many things that were going to overstimulate me in the environment. I would come home more exhausted than I was refreshed. I felt more drained than anything. That’s not how you should leave a friend’s house. You shouldn’t feel more exhausted than you started. You shouldn’t be having tachycardia because you’re nervous. Listen to your nervous system. Literally, listen to your gut.

They spread negativity, not just to you, but to everyone

I had a friend who would never encourage me to do better or that everything was going to be okay. She would always tell me sad stories and mishaps that could happen, even though there was a slim chance of it actually happening. Instead of the normal, “if you need help, I’m here and I got you” talk, I’d get the, “Oh Jakki it only gets harder and you’re going to struggle and you better love every moment of it” talk. Which was super discouraging, and it made it seem like every moment I had coming up was going to be a miserable one. It was just extra draining to always try and take her negativity and make it into something positive. I’m not talking about toxic positivity, because of course having a little hardship is okay, but it was just not at all encouraging.

You catch them frequently lying

One thing that always threw me off with one of my ex-friends was that when I would talk to another friend, they’d hear about the same story, but with some pretty significant differences. I hated feeling like I was being lied to because stories never matched. Even small lies about things that didn’t matter. I think that’s a huge red flag. It’s okay to have a little white lie like if you don’t feel like hanging, you just say you have other plans, even if those other plans only include Netflix. But to lie about something like me not liking a friend or telling me to come an hour later to an event so I don’t see said friend, that’s not cool. This friend blatantly tried to keep me from forming a friendship with someone by telling me they didn’t want to hang out, but it backfired when me and that girl finally linked up and cleared the air.

You’re constantly giving and getting nothing in return

I don’t ask for much in return, but there is an expectation that everything I give will come back to me. When you have friends who are constantly mooching off of you, that isn’t okay either. Just because you’re friends doesn’t mean you have to be their provider too. And it’s okay if you have the understanding that “I got it this time, you’ll get it next time,” but if it’s always you then that’s not cool. This also goes for honesty, just like the previous point I made when talking about lying. If you’re being honest and up front about everything, you should be able to expect that in return. Trust is a two way street, and that’s something that you should always maintain your boundary on.

They always play the victim - nothing is ever their fault, so they’ll never apologize

I used to have this friend that would always find a way to turn everything around and make it seem like they were the victim instead of the one in the wrong. This is the same friend that would lie about so much stuff, and when she got caught, she’d gaslight her way out of it. Gaslighting examples are like, “I’m sorry that you misunderstood the situation” or “you’re being unreasonable, it’s crazy of you to think that I would ever do that!” Gaslighting makes you think twice about what you’re saying and tries to change your perception of a situation. That’s not cool either. One thing I do like is when people take ownership of their mistakes and their faults and genuinely apologize for it. Because lets be real, toxic people will stop talking to you before they consider apologizing to you.

LATE NIGHT THOUGHTS: A journey WITH happiness

They say that happiness isn’t a destination, it’s a journey. You can’t constantly be in state of happiness because it’s unnatural. That’s when we get into toxic positivity; bottling up "negative” emotions and not dealing with them until they erupt because you can’t hold it in any longer. That’s why I titled this post “A journey with happiness” instead of “On the road to happiness.” Being happy takes constant effort, but it takes managing all emotions instead of trying to be just one single emotion.

It’s allowing everything to blossom within you. A rose doesn’t only let the flowers grow, it lets the thorns grow too. Those thorns can seem dangerous at first, but you can’t admire the rose without being aware of the thorns, just like our more “negative” emotions. I keep putting negative in quotation marks because they aren’t necessarily negative, but are perceived to be so. Why is that? Why is being sad or down seen as a negative emotion? Why can’t emotions just be emotions rather than categorized into “positive” and “negative” emotions?

I guess I’m writing this blog because in therapy, I keep getting told “you must be feeling more positivity being home.” I mean, technically I guess if you can say that I’m happy to be home, but I wouldn’t say that my “happy meter” is any higher than it was before. It’s about the same, except now I have support, which of course makes a huge difference in my overall wellbeing and attitude.

I just feel annoyed when people make it seem like happiness is an end goal rather than something that you consistently need to work with rather than towards. I get annoyed when we’re constantly shoving tasks and outcomes into the spaciousness of our lives, rather than settling into whatever it is that moment has to offer. We’re afraid of sitting within our all of our emotions, so we hustle toward happiness, thinking that it’ll make a difference, but it won’t. It’ll be temporary, until we have to work toward it again.

I think it would just be easier if we were taught to manage actually feeling our feelings rather than working to just get rid of the feelings we don’t want to feel. Who knows, maybe I’m just up too early with a lot of thoughts on my mind. Maybe I need to go back to sleep, whatever. I’ll post this. Thanks for reading if you got this far. Let me know what you think in the comments or something, or throw me a like. Peace.

Things you can do on the weekend that don't require alcohol

Go out and watch a movie | Unless you’re going to a place like Flix Brewhouse or the Alamo Drafthouse, then you’re more than likely not going to be served alcohol in the movie theater. It’s good, old school fun to go to the movies with friends. Don’t you remember the time before everything went straight to streaming, you actually had to go buy a ticket to see the movie in theaters?! Why don’t we go back to that. Grab some popcorn and the soda you know you won’t be able to finish, and enjoy a movie.

Go to a concert sober | It’s so weird thinking that you could go to an event sober, but it actually was pretty legit to be able to remember the night and not worry about doing anything stupid like spilling a beer on someone in the crowd. You actually get to enjoy the music and the experience! It’s worth a shot, honestly. Plus, you can drive home safely afterwards!

Bake cookies | Dude, cookies go with milk. They don’t go with alcohol.

Play board games or video games! | Did you know that there’s a new Mario Party out? Did you know that Animal Crossing New Horizons just got a massive update separate from their Downloadable Content?! Did you know that the new XBOX is coming out, and that Halo comes out next month?! So many new video games to play. Or just crowd around the dining room table and play a good old fashioned board game like Animal Crossing Monopoly, available at a Target near you, lol.

Hot cocoa & sip instead of wine & sip | It’s the holiday szn and most places are starting to sell their hot cocoa starter kits. You know what I’m talking about, the kits that come with two mugs, and some spoons covered with chocolate and peppermint pieces. I know you’ve seen them at Target. They’re past the alcohol section, most likely with the Christmas decorations that you’ve already visited 15 times this month. Opt for the hot cocoa, it’ll keep you warmer than wine will since alcohol decreases your internal body temperature. No, an alcohol blanket in the cold is not a real thing, and it’s actually dangerous to think that it works. So cuddle up with some cocoa.

Explore your city! | I'm going to be totally honest and say that Sean and I refuse to really go out and explore El Paso. We love exploring, but the desert doesn’t appeal to us like that, and we occasionally go and try new places to eat, only to miss the taste of home. But that shouldn't stop you from exploring whatever city you're in. Go to an art show, a museum, or a small festival in your area. You'd be surprised (I know, I know…) at how much you can find in your city if you look hard enough. And that doesn't require booze, 😊

The last thing you are is alone; help end the stigma

I have been posting a lot more lately, and what I’ve recognized is that there are so many people out there that feel the way that I do. It really sucks to know that so many of my friends are also experiencing feelings of depression, anxiety, and self-doubt. It hurts me so much to know that. But here’s the thing, we can build community in all of this. You need to know that you are not alone, and it’s proven through those who like my posts and those who have the bravery to comment their feelings and thoughts. So if there’s so many of us that experience these things, then why is there such a great stigma? I don’t know either. I know that there are some things that we should stop joking about and saying to each other though, and here are some examples.

“Everyone has bad days, you’ll have better a better day tomorrow”

Having a mental illness is more than just being sad or angry or feeling a passing sense of anxiety. It’s an imbalance of brain chemistry that requires therapy and/or medication for the person to feel a sense of normalcy. It leaves people at a higher risk for physical manifestations like tachycardia, high blood pressure, panic attacks, and even suicidal ideations. It’s more than just a bad day; every day is a battle.

“All you need to do is be positive”

I’ve already said my piece on toxic positivity and how it isn’t helpful or conducive to those going through therapy. It’s more than just having a positive outlook. Sometimes you can’t help but feel the dread of life weighing down on your entire body. It’s feeling hopeless that nothing can get better. It’s feeling guilty knowing you’re “so blessed” but you still feel this way. The symptoms can be debilitating and a positive outlook won’t change that.

“Did you forget to take your meds today?”

I wish someone would say this to me, but in a way where they’re genuinely concerned that I forgot to take my medications. I take a total of 5 medications, 3 of which I am maxed out on dosage. Psychiatric medications are nothing to be joked about since they are carefully monitored when given. They can’t be stopped cold turkey, since the pain of withdrawal and being sent into a downward spiral are so high. They can be a lifesaver to those who are experiencing depression, anxiety, or other forms of mental illness, and should only be used by those who are seeing a provider.

“Why are you always so stressed/anxious?”

It’s not that we want to be stressed and anxious, we have no choice to be this way. Anxiety and anxiety disorder are so different. Healthy anxiety can be a response to an issue that arises but is quickly resolved with logical thinking and reasonable support/solutions. Anxiety disorder is something that you live with constantly. It shows up in things like obsessive compulsive disorder, panic attacks, C/PTSD, and other disorders. It’s something that can only be helped by therapy and medication use.

“You aren’t strong/You’ve got to be stronger”

WOW. NO. Just DON’T EVER think that you are weaker than people because you are suffering from a mental illness. Mental illness does not discriminate on who it effects. As proven through those who are successful like good ol’ Robin Williams (rip) who have committed suicide. It does not mean that you are weak. It means you are strong enough for being able to endure such hardships and still get through life. It means you are able to reach out for help when you know you need it. And even if you haven’t reached out for help yet, you’re strong enough to still be here. It’s a chemical imbalance in your brain that you can’t help, and for you to be here still, I commend you friend.

Getting a routine set for success

Some people may wonder how Sean and I are able to do so much with our time, and it’s honestly because we have a schedule. Before Maverick, Sean and I basically did our own things around the house, and whatever we needed to split, we’d split right down the middle. Now that we have Maverick, a routine has been the one thing keeping us together. You don’t need a kid to get a routine down though. Routines just help you keep track of your time to best manage whatever it is you have to do. So here are some tips on figuring out what kind of routine is best for you.

Know when you work best, whether you’re an early bird or a night owl

I know that most blogs will tell you that successful get up at the ass crack of dawn to do things, and personally, that’s what I do. But that’s not everyone! Sometimes people work and focus better at night, and that’s just natural for them. There’s no point in fighting the inevitable and trying to switch yourself to a morning person if you really like the stillness of the night. Find out what kind of person you are, and settle your routine that way. You’ll find that you’re way more productive if you stick to what’s natural for you.

Plan out your week and stick to it

Something I’ve started doing is planning out my days on Google Calendar and using a physical planner as well. This helps put things into perspective about what events I have going on that I can’t miss, and I can plan around that. This goes along with chores like doing laundry, house cleaning, and running errands. Sean and I have a white board on our fridge that has things that need to get done or things that need to get bought, and we’ll knock them out throughout the week when we make time for it. But seeing things in front of you helps keep you on track of your day, instead of just going about it mindlessly.

Pencil in times to exercise, even if it’s just for a 45-minute walk

Something that we try to stick to is going to the gym every afternoon, or at least getting in a 45-minute walk to have some mindful movement throughout our day. Mindful movement is good to keep your health in check and boost your immune system. It’s also shown to help refocus you when you’re doing movements that require both sides of your body to be coordinated, like walking. It’ll help connect both sides of your brain so you can think more clearly. Crazy, right?

Try to keep a balanced diet by eating at home, rather than fast food

It’s so important to try and have a balanced diet that you’re mostly cooking at home because it makes sure you’re getting all the vitamins and minerals that you need. Also, having fast food too many times throughout the week will lead to weight gain and sluggishness. Let’s be real, who has wanted to take a nap after eating a meal from McDonalds? I hate feeling the sluggishness after ingesting something that’s just packed with oil, and it just makes me feel icky.

Get good at saying no to things you can’t handle at that time

Something that I used to do was take on a lot of project leads, get involved in a lot of organizations, volunteer my time, etc. I was stretched so thin between those things and my personal life of marathon training, body building, and family time. There wasn’t any time to just sit down to wind down from the day and relax. So I started putting my foot down and saying no. Since I’ve started saying no to joining organizations and doing projects, I’ve had enough time to do things I’m passionate about like my blog, photography, and spending quality time with my son.

Cut the booze intake

Now I’m not saying you have to abstain from booze all together, but cutting out a few drinks can surprisingly help you focus more. Ingesting too much alcohol can lead to frequent headaches, fatigue, sluggishness, and everything else that comes with the hangovers, including wasted time. Cutting out booze can help boost your self-confidence, give you more energy and focus, and improve your overall health. So this holiday season, try to take it easy on the booze at the Christmas parties. That way when Christmas morning and New Years Day comes, you’ll be able to get up early and actually enjoy the day with family.