The fork in the road when conflict is inevitable

“Conflict is a meeting place. It is a state of discomfort that reveals to me what I care about, what no longer feels acceptable, and the boundaries that need to be set... It is an opportunity to regenerate our relationships or allow them to come to an end. While communion is imperfect, moving through conflict shows us the core of our care.”

-Mimi Zhu

What it feels like when no one is listening to us

You know in the Goofy Movie, when Max is given charge of the map, and he has to make the decision on whether to go fishing or to the Powerline concert? Well, that’s the fork in the road that I’m talking about with conflict. As you can see, Goofy wasn’t too happy with Max’s decision, and it’s because Max lied to Goofy and made decision without him. There’s either communion where you come back together and work on a plan, or there’s separation, where it’s hard for both parties, but sometimes necessary. So let’s delve a little deeper into what conflict is before we get ahead of ourselves.

Conflict as stated in Webster’s dictionary, is a serious disagreement, usually protracted, meaning it’s more than just a lover’s quarrel. It’s not just a misunderstanding. It lasts longer, which allows you to sit in your feelings a little bit more to let them brew over and take hold of your entire being… You end up making harsh decisions like Goofy’s choice to drive off the cliff in previously noted GIF, (laugh, it’s good for you.)

Even though sometimes it may feel like you’re driving blind, there are good things that can come with conflict. As Mimi Zhu stated, it shows you what you truly care about. Most of the time when we’re in conflict, we end up saying, “I don’t even care anymore”. If you truly didn’t care anymore, than that wouldn’t give you a reason to be so angry. So take note that your extreme anger means that you care deeply about something with that person.

I wrote a blog a long time ago about “when it’s time to let go,” and it’s about conflict as well, but that’s past the fork that I’m talking about. Conflict, if done in a productive way where both parties are listening to understand, can end in communion and a stronger bond; if done in a way where both parties are feeling more emotion than logic, than it can end in a way where the bond is severed.

What to do when faced with conflict

So when you’re faced with conflict, remember that the best things you can do are to listen to understand, reply to articulate your thoughts but not to blame, and to try to come down your high horse if you think you’ve done nothing wrong.

1. Listening to reply means that you are letting the words and delivery get to you more than the meaning behind the words. Listening to understand means that you are trying to hear what the person is saying rather than how they’re saying it. Your partner is going to understand your body language more than they are your words if you come off aggressive, so keep that in mind too.

2. Replying to blame means that you didn’t listen to understand, but you’re pointing out their flaws more than you are understanding where they’re coming from. It’s all a part of active listening, which is a skill that needs to be learned. This also goes with body language, remain open, remain calm.

3. Being on a high horse like you’ve done nothing wrong is also blaming the other person more than accepting your own faults.

When to get a mediator

In conflict, it’s mostly misunderstanding which can be helped by mediator. If your conflict is too hard to manage without a mediator, I suggest getting a therapist or a friend who is able to be non-biased with you ~ your own personal Yoda. Don’t get someone like Pete from the Goofy movie who will put more bad biased thoughts in your head. A mediator is supposed to be able to understand both sides, and is supposed to be able to listen through the emotions and delivery to understand the words and the meaning. It’s hard to hear those things when you’re blinded with anger.

What to remember when you’re having a fight

If you didn’t care, you wouldn’t be fighting so hard for that person to understand. You obviously care a lot. Conflict shows that. It’s probably just a misunderstanding, or sometimes, it’s more like someone having to change their ways and grow into someone else. But you have to be willing to be there for that growth and to help develop it. You may not know, but you may also have some of your own growing to do. Remember, like Mimi said, communion is imperfect. It won’t always be an easy road, but at least it’ll be the right road.

Why the AAPI community needs more mental health leaders

As told by GIFs

I’ve been trying to look for Mental Health blogs dedicated to the AAPI community, and I’ve come up with maybe 3; 2 of which haven’t been written on in months. So I’m down to one, which is mine. Whoopsie Daisy. How is this a thing? With all that’s going on in the AAPI community because of COVID-19, how are there barely any AAPI mental health leaders out there? Well, I’ll tell you three reasons: stoicism, ungrateful guilt, and faith guilt.

Showing “weakness” brings dishonor to you and to your livestock

It’s like before Mushu rings the gong to bring the guardians to life. They want you to be a statue. Stoic. Stoicism is something that’s greatly encouraged in Asian cultures. To show signs of weakness or mental strain just means that you can’t handle what you’re going through. If you are stoic, it shows that you are strong, and indifferent to the things that are supposed to make you feel negatively. The hardships that our elders endured are different than ours, and “if they go through it, we should get through it too.” But that’s not the case. We all have different struggles, and it’s okay to show your vulnerability. It is okay to not be okay.

You are so ungrateful!

I just recently learned about the kind of life my grandmother lived when she was younger, and to be honest, I think everyone should have a huge respect for her after everything she endured. As a 2nd generation child of the United States, I’ve been blessed to have a roof over my head, a warm bed to sleep in, clean clothes to wear, and food to fill my belly. If that’s the case, then why am I still so depressed when I have such a “good life” and everything that I could ever want? This is why some people won’t seek mental health help. They’re so used to hearing, “you should be grateful for everything you have,” that they discredit their actual mental health/illness. It’s becauses they feel guilty for feeling this way. But you shouldn’t feel guilty even though you have everything. You’re still allowed to feel the way you feel, and to seek help. It’s okay to not be okay.

Just pray, and He will answer all of your prayers

In a culture that believes that prayer can heal and solve everything, you may be discouraged to seek any other help other than His. It’s very common in the Filipino culture to give “everything to Him and He will heal all.” So it may feel like your mental illness/suicide ideations are a sin. It’s hard to not feel guilty when someone tells you that suicide is sinful, and that you shouldn’t be thinking that way. It’s not helpful to your mindset, and it may make you feel like there is something wrong with you. Don’t feel this way. Continue to seek help and refuge in your fellowship if faith is something that is a pillar for you. Mental illness is not a sin, folks. Don’t hide it. Open up and ask for help. It is okay to not be okay.

We need more leaders.

If you’re an AAPI person, you’ve probably experienced one of these three things in your lifetime. Especially during a time where you were having trouble putting a smile on your face. If you have experienced it, comment or like. Show that we aren’t alone in this. The more awareness we raise for mental health/mental illness, the more it gets talked about, the more it becomes a norm, and the more people seek the help they need. So… get to it friends. Comment, like, talk, share, etc. Let’s go.

To the ones who gave up on me; to the ones who left

I hope that you regret the day you gave up on me.
The day that I was too much crying, too much sobbing, too much energy.
The day I was too erratic, or ecstatic, or just plain bubbly.

You said I wasn’t feminine enough, I wasn’t woman enough.
But here I am standing in my femininity,
Not because my hair is done, or my nails are did.
But because my values and my character can’t be hidden.

I can be loud and obnoxious.
I can be soft-spoken and shy.
I can be extroverted and friendly,
or I can be scared and just hide.

I feel so much energy, probably more than you do.
I carry the weight of so much burden,
to myself I try to stay true.

And I’m a little bit broken, and a little bit lost,
But with a little bit of patience,
I’ll be better,
No, I’m not a lost cause.

But no matter what I am, and no matter what I do.
I’m glad you left me,
Because I’m too good for you.

I found this in a journal of mine when we had to talk about our past and things that we regret. Look, I don’t write poetry, and I can agree that this was probably scribbled down while in a manic phase because that’s the only time I really write a lot. BUT - What I regret the most in my life was giving my time to people who didn’t deserve it. See, time is something you can’t get back, and once you’ve given it away, that’s it friend, it’s gone.

Well, it’s almost a new year, and I’m happy to say that I didn’t waste too much time on people this year. I spent a lot of my time reflecting on myself and what could make me a better person. I spent a lot of time assessing friendships and relationships that I already had, and debated a lot in my head on which ones were worth keeping and which ones were worth closing the book on. See, the thing is, all people grow, but that doesn’t mean you have to grow together. It can also mean you grow apart. That’s okay, that’s normal.

This poem was more so for the people who expected me to be different. The ones that were always expecting me to be strong and stoic; or the opposite, shy and scared. This is for the guys who wanted me to be more feminine and stand back on my views. This is for the “friends” who expected me to give everything and expect absolutely nothing in return, to include trust and honesty. This is for the “friends” that expected me to always be happy, when deep down all I wanted to do was feel my sadness.

I’m glad that I’ve surrounded myself with people who let me be 100% authentically me. I’m glad I have a following that supports my strive to end the stigma on mental health issues. I’m happy to know that I’m not alone in this struggle and there are others like me who also require a community.

This is my new years resolution: Continue to not waste too much time on people who expect me to be different than I am. Not waste time on being someone other than myself. Strive to be the best version of myself.

3 weeks being childless - the refresher we needed

Sean and I made the conscious decision to leave Maverick behind in Washington when we visited this past October. It was a last minute decision, but it didn’t go without us thinking through every detail we could. We decided to leave Maverick at home because we have to drive up from El Paso, Texas to Washington in a span of 6 days. Last time we did this roadtrip, Maverick got deathly ill with fevers hitting 105 degrees, which was a chain reaction to our past 2021 being spent at least 50% in the ER or admitted for fevers. We didn’t want that to happen again.

As much as we miss our baby boy, we were able to accomplish a lot during these first two weeks without him. Sean was able to certify in a UAS certification which most jobs are requiring in the civilian world. I was able to take some courses in lactation (this is the HARDEST for me to do!). We were able to rearrange the stuff in our storage to prep for our last big move! YAY! And I was able to decompress from my mental strains. See, I have a lot going on in my head, and every day is a battle against anxiety and depression for me. Maverick doesn’t always help my case, so being away from him helped me recenter myself.

Lastly, we were able to, most importantly, reconnect as partners rather than parents. It’s weird right? You wouldn’t think that we had to reconnect, but it turns out we did.

See, partners vs parents. They both have the same letters in them, but switched around, they mean such different things. Well, the relationship is different. You can be both, but Sean and I have been so engulfed in taking care of Maverick every day, that we let the partner side of things fall way behind the parent side of things. We forgot what it was like to hold hands, or kiss each other good night, or cuddle. Oh my gosh, cuddling with someone other than MJ! The thought! Hahaha!

We were able to reconnect and rekindle our love for each other. Not that we stopped loving each other, but we were able to appreciate each other’s value much more during this time. We spent time doing things that we wanted to do, which Maverick made it hard to do. So if you get the chance to take a few days away from your kiddos, and spend it with your partner, I’d recommend taking all of that time and spending it wisely. Don’t take it for granted. Because you never know when you’ll get another moment like this to appreciate each other. Sean does so much for our family, it’s nice to finally thank him for it.

I can’t wait to be holding my baby again soon, but in the mean time, I’ll hold my babes. Love you, Babe. Thank you. xx.

Lack of Self-Love

I have been really struggling with some self-kindness lately, and embracing the thought of me being beautiful. It’s not uncommon for a woman to experience these feelings after pregnancy, and it isn’t uncommon for it to last longer than the first few months. For me, it’s been almost two years of feeling “not like myself”. When I look back to four years ago, I ran my first marathon and was in the best shape of my life. Two years ago, I was deadlifting twice my body weight, and was also in the best shape of my life. Now, I don’t feel right in any of the clothes I put on. Even if it fits right, it doesn’t feel right. I’ve loss the sense of confidence that I used to have back in the day.

But you know, I just talked to a friend about it. She just had a baby, and the first thing that I said to her was to give herself some grace to heal, to fall into her new role as a mother, and to take the time for her new born baby. Bouncing back isn’t important. Supporting her is important. So why couldn’t I say that to myself? Is it because it’s been almost two years since I had my baby? Is it because I should have bounced back like celebrity moms or moms that have more time in the world for some reason (like seriously, where do you get that?) Or that I should look like the teenager who has never held a child in her stomach before? I feel huge standing next to people. I feel like I take up too much space in the world.

I’ve already written about my struggle with body dysmorphia. Ever since I was a young child, my weight would be talked about when meeting with relatives. “Ang taba mo na” (you’re so fat now), or having my eating disorder praised with “ang sexy mo naman”. Only to know it’s because I was eating only Honeycombs in the morning, and throwing up my food at night. Loving myself always came with an expense. An expense to my mental, emotional, and physical health. Now it’s even harder after experiencing postpartum psychosis, disordered eating, major depression, and anxiety. But you know what…

I forget that my body created life sometimes. I forget that what started out as something microscopic, turned into my 6.5 lbs son and a vital organ to support him. I’m lined with stretch marks to show that my body grew to make room for Mav. Maybe I have a little more on my hips than I used to, but it just helps cushion my body now. I carried more weight on my chest to provide nutrition for my son. And you know, my body is pretty freakin’ amazing for doing all of that. So I’m glad I wrote this… Because sometimes it takes writing it all out to realize what kind of positive thoughts can be buried by negative thoughts…

So if you’re feeling down on your self-image today, don’t. You’re beautiful. And your body does so much for you to make it through the day, so you should appreciate it, no matter what it looks like. It’s not like that’s what matters anyways. What matters is what’s inside your heart guys. Really. Skin ages. Bodies age. Hair turns grey. But what’s inside, doesn’t change. So take up space! Eat your food. Enjoy it all.