Why every couple should do marriage counseling or retreats

I could count how many times on one hand Sean and I have had an argument this year that turned into a full out brawl. Actually, I don’t really need to count because there hasn’t been one this year, thankfully. It’s almost November too (yay!) Sean and I have worked very hard on the relationship we have with each other. It’s not been a walk in the park the entire 6, almost 7 years we’ve been together. We’ve definitely had our share of arguments, but after attending couples therapy and a retreat, we’ve gotten a lot better at communicating our needs. Here are some great reasons why you should also take a step in that direction if you think your relationship needs some spice.

Counseling doesn’t mean that there’s something wrong, but it does help grow your relationship.

Learn each other’s love language

Do you know what your love language is? There’s a total of five different love languages, and everyone has their own. My love languages are Acts of Service and Words of Affirmation. I communicate best through words, I take words very seriously. I also like that Sean will clean up after himself (most of the time), and will help with chores around the house. I love that he especially helps with Maverick. Sean’s love language is Physical Touch and Gifts. He loves to give gifts, and he loves to hold hands and hug.

Though physical touch is my last love language (for personal reasons), I am still willing to fulfill Sean’s needs because it’s only fair that if he communicate in my love language, I communicate in his. We didn’t always see eye to eye before when it came to the way we love, so we were always wondering why nothing was ever getting through to the other. Now that we know, it’s been a lot easier to pat Sean on the head while listening to him tell me I’m pretty.

It’s important to have an equal give and take with communicating in love language. You can’t only communicate in one person’s language.

Open and honest communication is so important

When going through therapy, it’s important that you don’t hold anything back. If something is bothering you, than you should speak up about it in a cordial manner. Not one where you’re necessarily putting blame on your partner, but telling them how it effects you is important. It’s common sense, if you don’t speak up about it, they’ll never know. No one here reads minds, no one is a psychic (unless you are, then come see me in the comments), and no one can guess what you’re thinking. It’s not fair to say, “they should just know.” Because how would you feel if they said that to you? BE FAIR and OPEN UP. Give them a chance to right their wrongs, instead of blaming them for doing something annoying and they don’t even realize it’s annoying.

Non-bias point of view

Having a therapist there is perfect because they are the mediator for you and your partner. They have a non-bias opinion on both of your stances in the relationship, and they’re solely there to help guide your conversation. They’re able to spot faults in communication, and they’re able to help give you solutions on how to fix them. You should never try to make your therapist take your side over your partner’s because that would defeat the entire purpose of couple’s therapy.

Strengthening connections that are already there

Chances are that you and your partner already have so much in common. That’s probably the reason you’re together now! If you both like dancing, then go out dancing instead of staying in. If you’re both into food, then book yourself a nice 7-course meal and act like Michelin snobs at the restaurant, only to grab McDonald’s afterwards. If you’re lucky (HA) to be in the Army like us, there are programs such as Strong Bonds with the Chaplain that take couples on retreats to beautiful places. We were lucky to go to one in Korea, and we were able to stay at a 5 star hotel for free. They had classes on communication and love languages, and then the rest of the time was free to hang out. You should really look into it!

No matter what you decide to do, remembering that you are part of a team is the key to a successful relationship. Although it is important to maintain your identity and your individualism, you’re in a relationship to contribute to the growth of your partner and yourself. Good luck, and I hope this helps!

Challenging our thoughts with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy

I’ve done a lot of therapy before, you name it, from DBT, EMDR, talk therapy, group therapy, and CBT. So what is cognitive behavioral therapy, or CBT?

Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is a form of psychological treatment that has been demonstrated to be effective for a range of problems including depression, anxiety disorders, alcohol and drug use problems, marital problems, eating disorders, and severe mental illness.

- American Psychological Association

CBT is based on challenging your unhealthy, unhelpful, or faulty ways of thinking. It helps challenge learned behaviors that are less than idea for healing. It helps you learn different coping mechanisms to deal with symptoms of anxiety, depression, or other PTSD symptoms that can effect your life.

You may already do this kind of thinking process in your head when you’re confronted with a problem. You try to weigh out the “pros” and “cons”, or the “what ifs” of a situation. Below I’ve posted an example that I recently used with a situation I was in a couple of weeks ago. Feel free to download the blank worksheet and use it for yourself when you find yourself struggling with negative thinking.

Breaking down the worksheet

Situation: What was the situation that you were in? What was going on around you that made you feel the way you feel? What was the event?

Emotions or feelings: What were the emotions you felt? Try to be more descriptive than just “sad” or “angry”. Really try to figure out what emotion you felt and why.

Negative automatic thought: What was the first image/thought that popped into you head to make this a negative situation?

Supporting/Non-supporting evidence: What supports that your thought is true or false?

Alternative thought: Looking at the evidence, what can you concur about the thought that could be a different way of looking at it?

They say it takes a village... so where the hell is this village?!

Isn’t it so frustrating to hear that? “It takes a village to…” so where the hell is this village? Where do I sign up and magically get one, because I kinda feel like I’ve been in this alone. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve seen some people show up for me when I’m in dire need of some help, but where are people on the normal days?

Okay, let me try and make this post a little more relatable instead of it sounding like a bitch fest on why I don’t have any friends. Honestly though, I don’t have a lot of friends. I’m not exactly at the top of anyone’s list to being maid of honor right now. (Although, I am a bridesmaid for my girl Kenna, ayeee!) But in all honesty, do people just text each other day and night, every single day, or is that something that I’m making up in my head? Like I don’t actually consistently text anyone unless it’s Sean, and that’s usually about baby things.

An international women’s club that was located in Pyeongtaek, Korea. The love and friendship here made me so happy, they were so genuine with each other, and still are!

But I’m talking about sending memes, talking tsismis, and just overall talking in general… Do people do that still? I remember when I was younger, I’d wait until 9PM to talk to my friends because it was free. I remember always hopping on Yahoo! Messenger and MSN and AIM just to talk to my friends that I JUST saw before hopping on the school bus. Now it seems like a fear just to send a “hey how ya doin’ text?” just because I think I’ll be left on read. Which HAS happened, okay. Like it’s not just something I’m making up.

I find myself feeling so worthless when I’m left on read. I say something super nice like, “oh man, can’t wait to see you” and then nothing. Like ouch, burn. I don’t have much of a village. I have a crew of pirates, more or less. Sometimes they jump ship, sometimes they come back, it’s kind of a give and take sort of thing, ya know?

I’m not the type of girl that goes out on girls’ night out or sunday brunches. I’m not the girl that has the huge entourage at the club. I don’t have a besty bringing me starby’s while I’m at work and they’re on their day off. I don’t just go out and get a mani/pedi with my bff. Like, it just isn’t in my cards. So my question is, HOW DO I GET THAT IN MY CARDS?

Oh, before that though, I do want to thank all of those who have stood by my side through thick and thin, good and bad, and have seen me at my worst just to see me at my best. I love you all, truly.

End rant. This was a garbage post, I’m sorry. It’s just a brain dump of a dumpster fire of thoughts that make me so envious of people who have these kinds of relationships, and I’m absolutely livid that it’s not me. Okay, bye.

Hangxiety & opening up at the wrong time

“I feel great feeling hungover and I regret no decisions from last night,” said hardly anyone, ever… I’m sure there are a few good things that have come out of being drunk and crazy, but most of the time… let’s be real - it’s usually rAgrets all around.

Hangxiety is the term that I found in the book, Sober Girls Society by Millie Gooch, that stood for the anxiety you experience the day after drinking, when you're hungover.

It's about rethinking all of your stupid choices from the night before. If you're like me and you're already living with anxiety, hangxiety is like being in a constant anxiety attack for at least three days.

I have a tendency to dwell on all the things that I did when drunk me was in charge of making decisions. I always get nervous if I messed up and said something stupid, or if I did something stupid (like throwing up in a hotel lobby or in the street), or if I let my hallucinations take hold of me. I vaguely remember one time, Sean told me that I was crying out to my hallucinations. He only knew this because we named my hallucinations, and I was screaming the name out loud. This is already enough to get me thrown into an ER room for a psych evaluation and I hope to never be in that position again.

Everyone already knows I get super emotional when I'm drunk. My issue is which emotion is going to be strong enough to come out. Sometimes I get lucky and it's just happiness that comes out and the night goes well. Other times, it can be sadness or anger that comes out, and that's when I get myself into trouble... Or just trouble to handle because I'm crying too much.

I was just talking with someone about when you're drunk, you have a tendency to let your barrier down and become a different state of vulnerable. I hate that it takes alcohol for me to open up. I genuinely think that the best bonds are made when you're sober because it takes more strength to become vulnerable sober than it does with a little (or a lot) of liquid courage. So I'm just going to open up about some things that have been on my sober mind that come out when drunk me shows up.

I'm lonely. Lonely as fuck. I have my family, but it's so different when you have friends around you

I hate that I let my career/moving away distance me from people I loved the most

I am extremely envious of some of the strong bonds people have that I don't have

I wish I had the ability to make more friends, I feel like no one ever wants to hang out with me - I'm fun I swear

I constantly think no one wants to hang out with me because of what I write on my blog - people just think I'm bat shit crazy now

So now that you know some of the things I think about, do some of these things relate to you? Do you drink alcohol because it makes dealing with these things a little easier? It's easy to make friends and be the center of attention when you don't have a care in the world due to being drunk... but how fun is it really when you can't even remember the night? Do you ever feel awkward talking to the people the next day, or find you can't even open up to them the same way you did when you were drinking? Yeah... It's time to think Hangxiety over, because you've probably experienced it more than just a few times... Here's to hoping to never having hangxiety again if we can manage to keep this sobriety up. 

God, please comment on my posts so I know I’m not the only one in the world of Facebook or blogging that feels this way.

Blooming in sobriety.

"It was a vicious circle of hurting, and drinking to numb the pain, only to feel hungover and even emptier than the night before."

I can’t say that I’ve just now hit rock bottom, because if I said that, it would be a lie. I’ve hit rock bottom before, and clearly by a show of messages, a majority of my Instagram saw it on IG Live. I drank so much that day that I answered the door to the police and I laid down on my floor yelling I didn’t want to go to jail. They had to convince me I wasn’t being arrested for drinking in my own home, and that they were there to make sure I was safe. I should’ve taken that as a hint to stop drinking that day.

That’s the funny thing about my relationship with alcohol though… On days where I’m hurting the most is the days I crave it the most, knowing full well that I’ll end up on the floor somewhere, throwing up, or crying my heart out to someone who probably would rather be doing something else… or embarrassing myself on live broadcast so my boss sees how pathetic I am on my days off.

It took one more blackout in a hotel, throwing up in a lobby restroom, and shoving a plastic bag over my head to realize that my emotions and alcohol don’t mix well together… And for someone with a plethora of emotions, alcohol should be the last on my consumption list.

“The urge is so strong, and the voices just make it so much harder to resist the temptation".”

With all of that being said, I don’t drink heavily very often. I’ll have a glass of wine or two twice a week, maybe throw back some soju to celebrate something miniscule. But when I do drink heavy, it’s always a problem. I have an issue with moderation when feeling the long term effects of C-PTSD, and if I want to combat that issue, I think the best way is to cut it all out together. Remove the poison. Ergo, stop drinking altogether. It’s just hard when I have pretty severe hallucinations, that worsen with alcohol…

I want to be the best version of myself for myself and for my family. Maverick doesn’t deserve to be raised by a mother who can’t control herself over a few shots of patron, and a few glasses of wine, and a few flutes of champagne… Honestly, he doesn’t need a mother who takes all of those together in a span of 6 hours. It’s already difficult for me to be a mother that suffers from mental health disabilities. Alcohol Use Disorder is the one thing that I can control. Well, try to control. Impulsivity is also a very strong aspect of my personality. It’s like my brain loves to be reckless when sadness ensues from emotional triggers. So here’s my pledge to be a better person overall.

I pledge to take control of my life and my emotions. I will do my best to abstain from drinking alcohol so that I can create a better life for myself and my family.