Why do we think kids should "know better"?

I don’t understand. Adults constantly say shit like, “oh your kids should know better” when a kid is crying or having a tantrum. Um, NO KAREN, my kid does not know how to fully regulate his feelings in a way that we as adults do, so he is going to cry and throw a tantrum because that’s the only way he knows how.

SECONDLY, why do we insist on “beating they ass” when they do end up having a tantrum!? To scare them into not feeling their full emotions?! So they know fear instead of compassion?! Support your child through their crying and guide them through their emotions so they learn how to regulate and feel them without losing their minds. Jeeeeeeez.

My son was crying and my mom would tell him, “HEY stop crying, you want palo (spanking)?” I asked her to kindly not speak to my son like that, and she became defensive saying she was just playing around. Maybe to her it was playful, but to me, that kind of “playfulness” was not the way I wanted to talk to my kid. Even if it’s just saying you’re going to spank them, the threat is still there. The fear is still there. So no, I don’t support that either.

I see posts on Facebook about people saying they’d beat their kid if they threw a tantrum (cause it’s not natural, amirite? *rolls eyes) Or that their kid would know better (okay, have kids plz.)

crying at 3 am because I don't want to be a mom

The other night I woke up at my usual time (3 AM), and instead of forcing myself to lay in bed until I fell asleep again, I got up. I got up so I could read. I got up so I could journal. I got up because it’s the only time that Maverick is doing something where I don’t have to distract him, sleeping. But not this night. No, not this night. This night, Maverick had some major case of FOMO and decided he wanted to be WIDE AWAKE at 3 AM with mommy.

I lost my cool. I tried to feed him back to sleep and he wouldn’t even shut his eyes. “JUST GO TO SLEEP” I said sternly, as I shuffled him around my body to get him to go to sleep. Yelling at the baby wouldn’t make him go to sleep, I knew that… But I was frustrated. I get up at ungodly hours (literally the witching hour) to do stuff on my own, and I can’t even get that!

I was tired of being touched. I was tired of laying down doing nothing when Maverick was asleep. I was tired of being a parent. So I did the only thing I knew to do in that time, and that was cry. Cry until Sean woke up and took Maverick away from me. Cry until I felt better and calmed down. Cried until I realized Maverick didn’t have any sense in why I was crying…

Sometimes I don’t want to be a mom because it’s the hardest thing I’ve had to do. But that doesn’t mean I can just delete my son out of my life (like some people), and just pretend like every thing is peachy keen. I get up and love him because that’s what he needs from me. I love him cause he doesn’t know better. And even though this shit is ROUGH - I’ll always be here for him because I WANTED him. He owes me nothing because he is MY SON. And it’s my job to take care of him. That’s my baby.

But seriously… some alone time as being JAKKI is nice too, not just a shower by myself and calling it self care.

5 love languages that you should really know being in a relationship

How often do we find ourselves feel like we’re giving our all to our partner or children, and still feel like we aren’t getting the same love reciprocated? Our “love tank” may be fueled by our loved ones, but sometimes “it just isn’t enough”. Which in return, leaves us feeling a little empty. That’s probably because our love language is not being spoken to. According to Sunny Motamedi, a marriage and family therapist, there are five love languages that we can all naturally gravitate towards.

Words of Affirmation

This can be verbal communication like saying, “I love you and I appreciate you” every day, or nonverbal like written letters, texts, or nowadays, social media posts. Active listening by restating what they’ve said to show you are understanding them can also be a great way to reassure them that you’re there for them.

Acts of Service

This is one of the ways I like to communicate my love. I try to make life easier for my husband by doing housework like making sure he has clean clothes, having food ready for when he gets home, or just by cleaning the house in general. I love when my husband calls and asks if I need anything from the store before he comes home so I don’t have to go out and get it. These actions make life easier for the other person.

Physical Touch

This can come in the form of things like holding hands, cuddling, or consented sex. Physical touch is such a strong form of communication and can really connect you to the other person. It’s also important to know if this is an issue for someone when it’s the least favorited love language, as it is such a strong form of communication, it can be too much for highly sensitive people.

Gifts

A pretty self explanatory language. This can be sending flowers, buying a treat, or sending something special to your loved one. Monetary values of gifts aren’t the indicator, but just giving a gift is a symbol of your love.

Quality Time

Quality time is spent when there is nothing that can rob your attention from your partner. This means limiting screen time and being actively engaged with your partner. An easy way to do this is going on walks without cellphones, doing a fun hobby together, or watching a movie together. It doesn’t need to be long (quantity), it just has to be meaningful time. Even 5 minutes of undivided attention can make a difference.

Let go and just be

After spending so much time in the hospital with my son this year, there are a few things that I just really feel I need to let go of. These things are important, but not so important that they rule my life in a way where it completely drains me physically, mentally, and emotionally. I want to find balance in my life so I can progress in all areas, without striving for absolute perfection.

My body image

I’ve already gone into why I want to let this go. I have terrible eating habits, and I always put myself down for missing workouts, not walking enough, being sedentary… I binge, I purge. I restrict, and still purge. My eating habits are not healthy. I haven’t come to terms with my new postpartum body. I always feel the need to suck in my stomach and hide it, even when no one is around. I calculate calories in my head and compare them to my watch’s “burned calorie counter”. All unhealthy habits because I obsess over them. I waste so much time in my day just thinking about food, when I could just be enjoying the moments with my boys.

Being the “perfect parent” and “trophy wife”

Social media makes it really hard on your every day moms and wives. After spending so much time scrolling through Instagram and every perfect Montessori Momma page or every Housekeeping Fashionista page of well-kept women, I can’t help but feel like I’m falling short on my duties as a mom and wife. I guess the biggest thing that I need to remember is that social media is usually the best parts of your day. Just snippets of people’s lives, and they always choose the best parts to show. Which is why I started Okami & Company… I wanted to showcase my real life - the good, the bad, and the extremely ugly parts of life. I have to remember my “why".

Being a hustler in life

To Hell with the Hustle. I remember when I first read this book. We’re so caught up in society’s “go, go, go” mentality, that we rarely take the time to just let go and just be. This year with Maverick’s hospitalizations, I’ve definitely let go of the work hard, play hard mentality. I’ve forced myself to slow down sometimes. It’s been extremely hard to put my career on the back burner and take care of myself and my son, but since I’ve done that… life has actually gotten a lot better. I appreciate the little things a lot more, like just watching my son play. I value sleep and rest - WITHOUT having to say, “I did this task, now I deserve rest.” You ALWAYS deserve rest, no matter what tasks you do or don’t complete. So just let go, and just be for once.

Things NOT to say to someone grieving a suicide, or anything really

It’s hard to take in that someone has passed away. Its even harder to try and console someone that was close to that person in the right way. 14 years of my grieving for my brother and grandfather, and 11 years of grieving my best friend. Every year, someone says something to me that is off putting even though they’ve got only good intentions. It’s hard, I know. So here are some things that I personally have not liked hearing. Sometimes when you know why its hard to hear something, you think twice about saying it again.

Everything happens for a reason

What are those reasons? The reason for my brother and my best friend? Depression. Feeling alone and unsupported. Thank you for reminding me that there were things I could have done to be there for them, but I failed them.

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger

Are you saying that the person who passed wasn’t strong enough? Are you calling them weak because they couldn’t handle it? How moronic is it to say this to someone when they’ve lost someone to suicide?

God doesn’t give you something you can’t handle

Why would God give me this kind of pain? If he doesn’t give people something they can’t handle, then what on Earth did he give my brother and best friend now that they’re gone? Always be careful with religion. When grieving over suicide, religion and spirituality can be a very tricky topic to discuss. Especially since most religions state that committing suicide is a sin.

Time heals everything

This dismisses their feelings right now. When you’re grieving, it’s hard to see the end point of grieving. I’ve been grieving for 14 years and every year it still feels fresh. How long does one have to wait to accept a suicide or finally get over it?

New one: You have to be strong for your child

I dislike when someone tells me I have to be strong for my family or for my son, simply because it dismisses me as a person. Why can’t I just have this moment to be weak and vulnerable? Why does society place the pressure of being stoic and strong? Why can’t we have a moment of weakness? Also, this is usually accompanied with the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” Which is even more annoying, tbh.