what is your stress monster?

That was the question of the day today in the afternoon. What is your stress monster? If you could describe your stress monster, how would it be?

Well, I described it first as a pale, skinny girl. A girl almost skeleton like, sinking cheeks, ribs showing right under the collar bones, barely hanging onto life. I pictured myself from when I felt the need to be an excessively small girl who fit all the size XS and double zero clothes. When I see myself in the mirror sometimes, I feel so heavy. I feel like there’s parts of me that want to rip my skin off if I could.

Then I thought about this morning, when the voices and the mumbling got so loud that it was almost impossible to bring myself to therapy. The stress of reading that a good high school friend had passed away just shook my body. It felt like my world had collapsed in on itself. The remnants of the events from yesterday to this morning amplified every mumble I heard before. I picture someone angry, someone dark in the shadows, no eyes, just black holes. I picture someone who would make you wish that you were dead. A creature not meant to live on this Earth.

My NP said I had to wait 2 weeks before she’d give me an antipsychotic, even though I’ve been this way for YEARS.

I’m tired of my stress monsters. I need them to go away.

i honestly don’t even know how to write about today

I was so annoyed with how the events of today happened, but was relieved to find myself cool, calm, and collected with a friend at the end of the day. If I can think of what I want to write or how I want to write it, maybe I’ll post an update… For now, I’m just going to let all the events of this week simmer in the back of my head. Why? Because I CHOOSE what I react to and how I react to it. I CHOOSE what bothers me. Do I want to waste my energy on this, or do I just let it go like I always have with friends before? It’s a tough decision, but at least I’m not in it alone.

Update on 11/16/2020:

I didn’t want to start a new post, because I have something else I want to write about today a little later. I took the time to see or hear exactly what happened yesterday that lead to the events making me feel the way I did. And honestly, I was underwhelmed with everything. Maybe because it wasn’t my issue, but I still felt disappointed (still do), and I felt unappreciated, and honestly, replaced. Replaced is the word I feel the most.

I feel replaced because since July of this year, I chose to take this person and their well-being on, and make sure they were okay. Our “friendship” (from what I thought) had grown more than I thought it would, and I genuinely cared. Building trust in each other, opening up, checking on this person when there wasn’t anyone else around. Protecting this person when I could, not just as a friend, but as a nurse. I would go toe to toe with anyone who tried to hurt this person. But clearly, it shows, that anyone is replaceable, even me.

Because a group schwoooped in somehow and undid all the things I thought was the foundation of a strong friendship. I’m not usually one to demand acknowledgement, but when you’re asked, “who is someone you can depend on here?” WHILE I’M SITTING RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, KNOWING I’VE BEEN THERE SINCE THE MOTHER FUCKING BEGINNING OF ALL THIS - and you say “THE ORIGINAL GROUP.”

Well, FUCK ME THEN RIGHT? I wrote a post the other day because I thought we had cleared the air. But yesterday and today, for this person to rally people to tell me I SHOULDN’T BE ANGRY, nah bitch. I ain’t got time for that. You know where the fuck I live. I showed up on your fucking doorstep every god damn time.

It’s your fucking turn to show up as a “friend”. I went through it for you. I’m not one of these people saying that, “I would hypothetically go through it with you.” Like, I was fucking right there beside you.

But fuck me, right? Well, fuck you too.

opening the gates to my soul

Welcome, if you’re reading this that means you’ve gained exclusive access to my blog. Something that I’m a little hesitant on, but if you made it here, then it shows that I trust you. Please do not violate my trust by sharing my password to others or screenshotting my blog and sending it to others.

If you’re here, I hope you’re here authentically. I hope you’re here because you either care about me and my recovery or you’re here because you resonate with my recent Instagram posts and are going through something yourself. I’m hoping that you find courage and hope in my journey, and that you can also find the strength to open up and face your troubles head on.

I would like to ask that you engage with the posts if something resonates with you. You don’t need to put your name. You can be completely anonymous. I just want to make sure that I’m not sharing my vulnerability for no reason.

Thank you. Again, please respect my privacy and please do not violate my trust. In the future, I will be posting shareable content that you can save and post, but for now, it is private for my protection - specifically from those who my blogs will be about. It’s about to be a wild ride guys. I hope you’re ready.

more nightmares about genuine fears

Last night I had another nightmare, but it wasn’t anything like the night before. This time it was me, Mav, and Sean going into this giant home. Most of the windows were boarded up, but you were still able to see inside. The entire time during the dream, I was moving Mav and I under windows and behind objects to stay out of sight from someone who was going around the house trying to look at us. The feeling that someone was trying to see if Mav was inside to take him so they could hurt him. It started out slow from window to window, but it quickly picked up speed. The biggest fear I had was being seen by this person (unknown who it was) and that they get a glimpse of Mav and take him from me.

This is a genuine fear of mine, ever since I was pregnant. I did not like the feeling of having someone watch my every move and read things that were so personal to me - especially for their own mental gain. This happened to me before. My medical privacy was breeched last year and I only found out because I did an audit on all of my records to see if anyone outside of my providers had been viewing them, and surely enough, there was. I think this is that fear manifesting itself into a dream now, one that I’m not comfortable with at all.

fucking nightmares

I hate when I have nightmares, especially the ones where you wake up relieved and go back to sleep just to go right back into it. That’s what happened to me last night. It was two different nightmares that I kept going back and forth from, or maybe it was the same one but different times in the same place? I don’t know. They were new nightmares though, ones I had never had before. That’s probably why I felt so shook when I woke up. Usually when I have nightmares, it’s me stuck in a loop in my old neighborhood in Germany. This time, I was in a house that seemed familiar, but also new.

The beginning of my nightmare started with me and Mav on a ride. The ride wasn’t secured, so I had to hold Mav with one hand and the seat with the other. The ride got faster and faster and we were being tossed around until we finally launched into what looked like a window. We crashed into a dark hallway, and Mav was limp. His eyes were barely opening, and he was barely responsive. I was running around trying to call for help, but no one would help me. They said I shouldn’t have done that if I knew what was going to happen. They said it was my fault. All I did was cry and cry. When I woke up, my heart was racing - but was put at ease when I was able to touch Mav’s warm body next to me, sound asleep.

The next part of the dream was me wandering these hallways that seemed so familiar. I was looking for a restroom that looked like something out of Harry Potter, lol. But no one would come with me because spirits were wandering in the hallways. One spirit in particular kept following me, it was a shadow of a woman that I couldn’t make out. I kept trying to escape the area she was in, but she kept popping up. I woke up again. It was hard to sleep. I kept going in and out of my dreams, and each time, touching Mav’s body to make sure he was alive.

Today was a pretty rough day. I really hope I never have that nightmare again.