Holiday triggers and how to cope

It’s the happiest and merriest time of the year, so why is my anxiety through the roof? Have you ever asked yourself this when those “-ber” months come around? You know, September, October, November, December. In the Philippines, the -ber months are considered the Christmas holidays, just for those who didn’t know, lol.

But if you’ve been this person who gets more anxious during the holidays, it could be from anything that triggers you to remember a traumatic memory, or the anxiety of reuniting with people who have hurt you emotionally, physically, or mentally. These can exacerbate emotions that you used to be able to control throughout the year. They can also give you physical symptoms of anxiety such as racing heart, high blood pressure, dizziness, or even nausea. Either way, there are exercise you can do to practice controlling your emotions and reactions to these triggers.

What are some things that can be triggering during the holidays?

Booze

Did you know that alcohol consumption is almost 70% higher in the last two weeks of December than the rest of the year? Isn’t that some wild statistic? But that comes to no surprise. As merry and gay as everything is, alcohol is a top item to be gifted during the holidays. Whether it’s in an actual gift, or bringing it to a house party. The infamous eggnog, gluhwein, and champagne make their appearance throughout the months of November and December. It’s hard to escape, and the peer pressure to drink is heavy.

Food

There’s no mistake that starting the holidays with one of the most glutinous days, Thanksgiving, makes it hard for those who are in recovery for an eating disorder. Booze isn’t the only thing that increases during these festive months. Cookies, pies, cakes, and other desserts make their appearance, along with other fatty foods. Recovery is hard when you’re pressured to eat more. It’s even harder when you have your old aunt Karen breathing down your neck on how fat or how skinny you’ve gotten since she last saw you. A tip this holiday season is to just not comment on anyone’s weight. Mind ya business, or I’ll eat you.

Loss or Loneliness

I’ve definitely felt the pain of missing a loved one on Christmas day. The first Christmas I spent without my brother, and the first Christmas I spent without my best friend Jacob. Whether you’re suffering from depression due to the loss of a loved one, or simply because you can’t be with family this holiday season… it can be rough. The best way I’ve combatted this is celebrating in their honor if they’ve passed. And there is always Skype when you’re a world away from each other.

Family

Sometimes we move away from home to get away from certain family members. And sometimes the holidays bring us back because we want to see only certain family members, so we put up with the ones we don’t want to see. Sometimes history of abuse can effect how your holidays go as well because of past memories. Research actually shows that sometimes people miss their abusers due to good memories of the holidays, and they forget about the abuse. Tell me that isn’t triggering!

How to handle the situations

Prepare yourself and identify your triggers

Ask yourself “what is it about the holidays that hurt you so much, and are there ways that you can possibly avoid it all together?” If not, make a small list of grounding skills that you can practice when you get too anxious. It can be particularly difficult to avoid all of your triggers when in America; the holidays seem to throw up everywhere with it’s songs, Christmas lights, holiday scents, foods, etc. If you’re riddled with anxiety, you’re almost likely to experience sensory overload as well. This all can be overwhelming. This is why grounding skills can be so important during the holidays. Whether it’s wearing ear buds to listen to your own music, using the 5-4-3-2-1 grounding technique, or having to splash water on your face to bring yourself back to center, do whatever works for you.

Set boundaries for yourself and others and stick to them

You are in charge of your holiday season, remember that. You get to decide who you see and who you don’t see. You get to decide which parties you want to attend, and when you want to leave those parties. You can set the standard for yourself if you feel safe to do so with your loved ones. Or if you don’t feel comfortable in telling your entire family, entrust someone with what your boundaries are so they can help you navigate the event. Whether that’s not being offered any alcohol, bringing up memories that are hurtful to you, or asking about your weight, you are allowed to have boundaries. And remember, you’re always allowed to leave if you feel uncomfortable, unsafe, and unheard.

Talk with your friends or your therapists to keep you grounded

Although holiday travel is common, that doesn’t mean your friends or your therapist can’t be reached. Luckily, in today’s age, friends are available at your fingertips via text. It probably wouldn’t be best to ring your therapist every 5 minutes during the holidays, but that doesn’t mean you can’t do a quick check in with them to practice some quick grounding techniques.

How therapy changed my life: A delve into my sorrows

I started therapy when I was a college student. I had gotten into an altercation with my roommate that caused her to move out. I had broken a door and punched a hole into the wall. I was an angry mess when I was younger. My issues always caused people to distance themselves from me. I had a lot of self-doubt and suicidal ideations when I was younger as well. My brother and best friend had committed suicide, I had moved a world away from my family, and I had no friends stateside.

I threw myself at boyfriends to gain some self-confidence which didn’t help me out. I got into physical altercations with some of my exes, that lead to heartbreak and even more self-doubt. I was cheated on multiple times, and each time I met the girl, it was harder for me to understand what the problem was: me. I was the problem for myself, always putting myself in situations that were undeniably toxic. I kept going back to the same guy even though he had physically dragged me out of our apartment because I was texting a guy about school. He was the guy that told me I was not ladylike enough and that I was lucky to have him. It was stupidity that lead me down that path. Blindness, ignorance, whatever it is that you want to call it. I got caught up in binge drinking and drugs that I shouldn’t have been taking just to take the edge off of me.

I’ve been beaten. I’ve been sexually, mentally, and emotionally abused by boyfriends and even someone that was supposed to be considered family. I’ve been mistreated and I’ve been down some rough paths that I wish I hadn’t gone down. I’ve been stalked, my medical records have been breached before. I’ve worried about my security, my safety, my son. I’ve even had to fight myself from hurting myself, my husband, and even my son.

All of this is why I got into therapy. Therapy helped get me out of these situations, and now I’m in a much better situation with my best friend, Sean, that helps me through everything. You don’t have to be like me where you post your entire life online, but you can seek therapy in confidence. Most benefit plans cover you to seek therapy, and if not, then there’s always things like Better Help or Doctors on Demand that you can pay for out of pocket. I know it’s a jump to say that everyone has the money to seek therapy, but there are so many other resources out there. I’ll try to list some later after some research of my own.

As many of you know, I’ve gone through Intensive Outpatient Psychotherapy. I was admitted to that for almost 6 months. I was also admitted to the inpatient unit twice for postpartum psychosis and once for suicidal ideation with intent. It took a long time for me to open up in therapy, but with the right therapist, and the right type of therapy, you can gain so much of your life back. You can work through the traumas that you’ve gone through, and you can work for a better future toward a better self.

It’s been a year and some change since I started intensive therapy, and I can say that I’ve gained so much of my independence back. There are still some things that I refuse to do alone, and there are times where I still lose my absolute shit, but I can say that I’ve come such a long way from last year. It helps me to know that I’m not alone with all of those who have been on this journey with me, and I thank you all for that. I thank you all for sticking through it with me, commenting, liking, and messaging me personally to say that my writing has helped you.

So here I am, a completely open book, ready to start a new chapter in my life as I transition out of the military. I’m ready to be a great mom, a great wife, and an even better friend. So, cheers to us. All of us. Because I’m bringing you all to the top with me.

Why the AAPI community needs more mental health leaders

As told by GIFs

I’ve been trying to look for Mental Health blogs dedicated to the AAPI community, and I’ve come up with maybe 3; 2 of which haven’t been written on in months. So I’m down to one, which is mine. Whoopsie Daisy. How is this a thing? With all that’s going on in the AAPI community because of COVID-19, how are there barely any AAPI mental health leaders out there? Well, I’ll tell you three reasons: stoicism, ungrateful guilt, and faith guilt.

Showing “weakness” brings dishonor to you and to your livestock

It’s like before Mushu rings the gong to bring the guardians to life. They want you to be a statue. Stoic. Stoicism is something that’s greatly encouraged in Asian cultures. To show signs of weakness or mental strain just means that you can’t handle what you’re going through. If you are stoic, it shows that you are strong, and indifferent to the things that are supposed to make you feel negatively. The hardships that our elders endured are different than ours, and “if they go through it, we should get through it too.” But that’s not the case. We all have different struggles, and it’s okay to show your vulnerability. It is okay to not be okay.

You are so ungrateful!

I just recently learned about the kind of life my grandmother lived when she was younger, and to be honest, I think everyone should have a huge respect for her after everything she endured. As a 2nd generation child of the United States, I’ve been blessed to have a roof over my head, a warm bed to sleep in, clean clothes to wear, and food to fill my belly. If that’s the case, then why am I still so depressed when I have such a “good life” and everything that I could ever want? This is why some people won’t seek mental health help. They’re so used to hearing, “you should be grateful for everything you have,” that they discredit their actual mental health/illness. It’s becauses they feel guilty for feeling this way. But you shouldn’t feel guilty even though you have everything. You’re still allowed to feel the way you feel, and to seek help. It’s okay to not be okay.

Just pray, and He will answer all of your prayers

In a culture that believes that prayer can heal and solve everything, you may be discouraged to seek any other help other than His. It’s very common in the Filipino culture to give “everything to Him and He will heal all.” So it may feel like your mental illness/suicide ideations are a sin. It’s hard to not feel guilty when someone tells you that suicide is sinful, and that you shouldn’t be thinking that way. It’s not helpful to your mindset, and it may make you feel like there is something wrong with you. Don’t feel this way. Continue to seek help and refuge in your fellowship if faith is something that is a pillar for you. Mental illness is not a sin, folks. Don’t hide it. Open up and ask for help. It is okay to not be okay.

We need more leaders.

If you’re an AAPI person, you’ve probably experienced one of these three things in your lifetime. Especially during a time where you were having trouble putting a smile on your face. If you have experienced it, comment or like. Show that we aren’t alone in this. The more awareness we raise for mental health/mental illness, the more it gets talked about, the more it becomes a norm, and the more people seek the help they need. So… get to it friends. Comment, like, talk, share, etc. Let’s go.

To the ones who gave up on me; to the ones who left

I hope that you regret the day you gave up on me.
The day that I was too much crying, too much sobbing, too much energy.
The day I was too erratic, or ecstatic, or just plain bubbly.

You said I wasn’t feminine enough, I wasn’t woman enough.
But here I am standing in my femininity,
Not because my hair is done, or my nails are did.
But because my values and my character can’t be hidden.

I can be loud and obnoxious.
I can be soft-spoken and shy.
I can be extroverted and friendly,
or I can be scared and just hide.

I feel so much energy, probably more than you do.
I carry the weight of so much burden,
to myself I try to stay true.

And I’m a little bit broken, and a little bit lost,
But with a little bit of patience,
I’ll be better,
No, I’m not a lost cause.

But no matter what I am, and no matter what I do.
I’m glad you left me,
Because I’m too good for you.

I found this in a journal of mine when we had to talk about our past and things that we regret. Look, I don’t write poetry, and I can agree that this was probably scribbled down while in a manic phase because that’s the only time I really write a lot. BUT - What I regret the most in my life was giving my time to people who didn’t deserve it. See, time is something you can’t get back, and once you’ve given it away, that’s it friend, it’s gone.

Well, it’s almost a new year, and I’m happy to say that I didn’t waste too much time on people this year. I spent a lot of my time reflecting on myself and what could make me a better person. I spent a lot of time assessing friendships and relationships that I already had, and debated a lot in my head on which ones were worth keeping and which ones were worth closing the book on. See, the thing is, all people grow, but that doesn’t mean you have to grow together. It can also mean you grow apart. That’s okay, that’s normal.

This poem was more so for the people who expected me to be different. The ones that were always expecting me to be strong and stoic; or the opposite, shy and scared. This is for the guys who wanted me to be more feminine and stand back on my views. This is for the “friends” who expected me to give everything and expect absolutely nothing in return, to include trust and honesty. This is for the “friends” that expected me to always be happy, when deep down all I wanted to do was feel my sadness.

I’m glad that I’ve surrounded myself with people who let me be 100% authentically me. I’m glad I have a following that supports my strive to end the stigma on mental health issues. I’m happy to know that I’m not alone in this struggle and there are others like me who also require a community.

This is my new years resolution: Continue to not waste too much time on people who expect me to be different than I am. Not waste time on being someone other than myself. Strive to be the best version of myself.

Lack of Self-Love

I have been really struggling with some self-kindness lately, and embracing the thought of me being beautiful. It’s not uncommon for a woman to experience these feelings after pregnancy, and it isn’t uncommon for it to last longer than the first few months. For me, it’s been almost two years of feeling “not like myself”. When I look back to four years ago, I ran my first marathon and was in the best shape of my life. Two years ago, I was deadlifting twice my body weight, and was also in the best shape of my life. Now, I don’t feel right in any of the clothes I put on. Even if it fits right, it doesn’t feel right. I’ve loss the sense of confidence that I used to have back in the day.

But you know, I just talked to a friend about it. She just had a baby, and the first thing that I said to her was to give herself some grace to heal, to fall into her new role as a mother, and to take the time for her new born baby. Bouncing back isn’t important. Supporting her is important. So why couldn’t I say that to myself? Is it because it’s been almost two years since I had my baby? Is it because I should have bounced back like celebrity moms or moms that have more time in the world for some reason (like seriously, where do you get that?) Or that I should look like the teenager who has never held a child in her stomach before? I feel huge standing next to people. I feel like I take up too much space in the world.

I’ve already written about my struggle with body dysmorphia. Ever since I was a young child, my weight would be talked about when meeting with relatives. “Ang taba mo na” (you’re so fat now), or having my eating disorder praised with “ang sexy mo naman”. Only to know it’s because I was eating only Honeycombs in the morning, and throwing up my food at night. Loving myself always came with an expense. An expense to my mental, emotional, and physical health. Now it’s even harder after experiencing postpartum psychosis, disordered eating, major depression, and anxiety. But you know what…

I forget that my body created life sometimes. I forget that what started out as something microscopic, turned into my 6.5 lbs son and a vital organ to support him. I’m lined with stretch marks to show that my body grew to make room for Mav. Maybe I have a little more on my hips than I used to, but it just helps cushion my body now. I carried more weight on my chest to provide nutrition for my son. And you know, my body is pretty freakin’ amazing for doing all of that. So I’m glad I wrote this… Because sometimes it takes writing it all out to realize what kind of positive thoughts can be buried by negative thoughts…

So if you’re feeling down on your self-image today, don’t. You’re beautiful. And your body does so much for you to make it through the day, so you should appreciate it, no matter what it looks like. It’s not like that’s what matters anyways. What matters is what’s inside your heart guys. Really. Skin ages. Bodies age. Hair turns grey. But what’s inside, doesn’t change. So take up space! Eat your food. Enjoy it all.