things that i missed, but wish i hadn't

When you go through trauma therapy, one of the hardest things to do is to revisit those memories you’ve tried so hard to bury. You hyper focus on work or hobbies that distract you from dealing with all the shit you’ve tried to forget. You put it in your box of unwanteds and you do your best to forget, until that one little thing unlocks it all. Then it’s just a flood of memories that overwhelm you, and you find yourself down the rabbit hole of remembering. At first, it’s hard to remember all the details because you’ve done such a good job forgetting. Then you start having nightmares about it, you start zoning out like you’re reliving the memory. Then the details come into focus, and you remember things you wish you hadn’t. Things you wish you could have changed. Things you regret. I live with a lot of regret, and I live with a lot of anger.

I regret not knowing what red flags were for suicidal ideation. I was so young when it all happened (15 years old). Everyone saw my brother as this lively, obnoxiously happy kid. When I think of my brother’s smile, I see the Cheshire Cat from Alice in Wonderland. The jaw that could mash even the toughest wires, which was an awful habit of his… constantly chewing on things like a dog. But that was him, the perfect social butterfly. Dabbling in things, a jack of all trades but a master of none (lol, let’s be real.)

But that was the thing, that’s the front that he put on for so many people. I know my brother was much more in tune with himself and his feelings. He was disgustingly sentimental. He wrote poorly worded songs, wrote poems and letters, and he spilled his heart out every week while being high as a kite. I was (un)luckily one of the people that he would pull to listen to his rambling at night. I wish I had caught some of the red flags that he had mentioned, but maybe he didn’t even know it himself.

I remember the day that I looked up whether you could overdose on Aspirin or not, because it was something he had mentioned. It would take a lot of Aspirin, and it would definitely be painful - at least I’d imagine it would since it would tear up your stomach. He just shrugged it off like it was nothing. His head hurt, he said, “how much Aspirin do you think it would take to kill someone?” We never spoke of it again, but remembering it makes me nauseous.

Sometimes I wish it were me instead - that it was me that died on that playground. Especially with all that’s gone on in the past two years. Some hurtful things that I’ve read and heard by word of mouth. Sometimes I think it would’ve been better if it were me.

But since it wasn’t, I think I should at least do my part in trying to not miss anymore red flags, with myself or with anyone else. I thank my family and small circle of trusted friends that make me feel worth loving, that care about me, and that have checked in on me. You all are the reason that I’m trying to change my thoughts.

journal prompts, recovery: what are some protective behaviors i'd like to let go of?

Distancing myself from people I’m not even close with yet. I think that’s my biggest fall back as a person going through life. I tend to cut ties with people I haven’t even properly formed relationships with. Maybe it’s the fear of being hurt or being unliked. Honestly, I think it’s the fear of not actually fitting in or having similar interests as them.

You know how there are people in your life that are just born social butterflies? They do really well with any group that they interact with? They connect easily and they have limitless conversations? Well, that’s not me. At least I don’t think it is. I feel like I’m extremely empathetic, but for some reason, I just don’t allow myself to connect with people. I think I’m good at listening to people’s problems and helping, but I’m not good doing it the other way around. That’s why I started my blog. I wanted an outlet where I didn’t actually need the human connection. If someone could relate to me, they’d relate to me through my writing. We were both safe from interaction, but still felt mutually about something. If they wanted to interact, they could message me via pixels. Still safe.

I want to be better at getting out there. I want to be better at connecting and forming relationships. As a nurse, I know how important a strong support system is. I preach it to my patients before they go home, “surround yourself with a good support system so when things get hard, you have people to fall back on.” Luckily, we have some friends here that have been nothing but good to us (thanks Kev, Flora, Gladys, & Matt.) You four are the only people we really interact with here, and it’s more than enough.

I hope on our next move, we’re better about getting out and strengthening relationships. They say it takes a village to raise a child (& a mother), I guess we just need to build our village.

honestly, i think i'm just getting sick of staying inside

I can respect anyone from EPTX for being able to stick it out here and love it. Actually, anyone that lives in any kind of desert. I think part of the reason why I’m going so stir crazy is because of being in one place for far too long. If you’ve followed me before, you know that I’m a hard one to keep pinned down. I love traveling to new countries, seeing new places, and just being on the move. So for COVID-19 to shut down all travel and keep me locked in the 300 mile radius of EPTX, you know I’m struggling.

Renewing my blog has forced me to go into our hard drive and pull photos from our past travels and I MISS IT. I miss having something to look forward to. I miss having to plan what to see and where to eat. Which I’m pretty excited (and nervous) for my first US road trip with my family. I’m a little nervous for what’s going to happen since we’ll have our enfant, but it’ll be okay. Baby M will be fine speaking it into existence will make it better.

How has the worldwide lockdown messed with your mental health? Are you thrilled to be at home in your pajamas, or are you pretending your bathtub is a pool in Cancun?

the few things that are really throwing my head for a loop

I’m trying to go back into my phone and look at the things I jotted down since I became this fresh kind of passive suicidal. It’s difficult knowing that this is how I feel even though I should be happy because of everything I’m blessed with. I think that’s what makes it harder for me, because then I just tear myself down even more for feeling ungrateful.

I need to make a list to straighten out my thoughts and figure out what I really need to focus on. Things I can control and then things I can’t control. It’s unfortunate when the things I can’t control are the thoughts that bother me the most, but I guess that’s why I’m in therapy.

Why am I feeling this way again?!

Maybe because I know in a few months, I’ll be making a big life transition into the civilian world. I know everyone says it’s so much better, but the military has been my entire life. Being an Army brat, moving all over the world, having so much structure the past 4 almost 5 years. Now I’m going into this massive world of opportunity where I can decide what I do with my life… but that also means I’m going to have to really work harder than the person next to me to get where I want to be.

I know the transition of motherhood has really taken it’s toll on me. My baby isn’t what you’d call the calmest baby of all. He’s an absolute banshee. He is happy in all of the pictures we post, and for the most part he’s pretty content and happy with what’s going on. Until he isn’t, and then that’s what pushes me over the edge. Especially since I’m a working mom, that goes to work and deals with even more crying babies. Not only do I have to take care of the babies, I have to teach the moms all the things they need to know in order to be equipped for life at home… HOW? When I feel like I can barely do life at home with an infant?!

I’m battling things from my childhood that trickled into my young adulthood. Especially with all of the topics that have been recently coming up in social media (which is why I deleted Facebook), I’ve been getting “triggered” with all of these incessant thoughts. They’re so hard to shake when I find myself in a downward spiral into memory lane. I get angry. I get frustrated. I look at my son and I want to keep him home where no one will ever get to him. How can you trust anyone, when the person that still haunts me was supposed to be someone we “trusted”, a kumpare. It makes me sick.

And there’s something else, something much bigger than all of this but I don’t think it’s worth mentioning right now. I’ll let some people save some face on my road to healing. I just know that the people I’ve decided to surround myself with are people who genuinely care about my wellbeing, and that have consistently shown up whenever I found myself in this exact predicament.

it's been a rough month of mental health

Tomorrow will be one month of me not writing anything on my blog. Honestly, I’ve just had no motivation to write, to take photos, to socialize… Not that I socialized a whole lot anyway, but even more so this past month. I’ve honestly had a lot of anxiety with such a big life transition coming up and personal issues that have just taken it’s toll on me for the last seventeen years. And honestly, even though I feel like I’m completely falling apart, I’m holding it together pretty well compared to my last episode.

I’m handling this relatively well. Well, much better than 2019’s shit show.

I’m not drinking my liver away, I can’t even finish a beer most of the time. I haven’t smoked a single cigarette. I haven’t scratched my face or my arms off. And I’ve only been *almost admitted one time, but I think I was cunning enough to convince them to put me in a new outpatient program rather than an inpatient program. But sometimes I think going inpatient would be beneficial, but only during the times that I feel like I’m going to let myself slip into a deep, deep depression. I think I’m pretty aware of how I’m doing since I keep tabs on myself.

Am I moody? Does my husband mention that I’m more irritable and mean? Am I eating regularly? What are my physical manifestations? I keep track of these things because my old therapist said he wanted to find a pattern. Have I found anything out? Not really. Except for the fact that the worst physical manifestation of anxiety has got to be the nausea and vomiting when I’m hungry. I might as well be pregnant again (I’m not, I checked.)

There are definitely some topics that trigger my anxiety, and two of them have come up recently. Part of me wants to keep it a secret, the other part of me wants to put it on blast to the world. I don’t think I’m ready for that though, so I’ll sit here with it, like I always have. It’s just so disappointing, really.

In the past two years, I have become more aware of those who really mean well and genuine friends and family. I know that these are the people that even if we’re out of touch for some time, they’ll still defend me and stand with me; not become defensive toward me and leave me. I thank my extremely small circle of trust for keeping me afloat and for showing me what compassionate love is in dark times.

I hope that whatever therapy I’m supposed to start helps. Last time I almost got hit by a car because I was so zoned out driving into oncoming traffic after therapy. T_T. I hope that is not the case this time. Maybe I can actually make some progress in finding some level ground in my head and not constantly think that my baby would be better off without me. Here’s to therapy 3.0 and another slew of psychiatric medications to trial and error with. So. exciting.