Did You Hear That? | What it’s like living with auditory hallucinations

  In 2016, I was doing my psychiatric ward rotation at Sacred Heart in Spokane.  We were learning about schizophrenia, and how auditory and visual hallucinations were very common.  When we were told that we were going to be doing an exercise that required us to wear a set of headphones that played a demonstration of auditory hallucinations, many of the girls were hesitant.  I was not.  I was not hesitant, because it was not the first time I had heard auditory hallucinations before.

  After my brother had passed away, for the first time ever, I had heard voices.  At first, I thought it was other people around me talking about me.  It wasn’t until I realized that even when I was the only one in the area, I would still hear voices.  I didn’t know what hallucinations were at the time, I was still young.  I was fifteen.  All I knew was I was afraid of what I would hear, so I always had music on, and it would make it better.

  To this day, I have auditory hallucinations, but it’s the first time that I’ve been open about it since learning about it in nursing school.  And honestly, it’s not that bad all the time.  Half of the time, I’m able to ignore it all together. 

 You can’t always tell what they’re saying

  The voices I hear aren’t always clear.  Most of the time it’s just garbled and muffled sounds.  When I do hear them, they’re not always mean.  Sometimes they just tell me that people are watching me, or they know my secrets.  Sometimes they say that I’m going to get hurt, or I’m going to be in danger if I go in somewhere.  It’s hard to not listen to the voices sometimes, but it’s not always as scary as it seems.

 It comes and it goes, it’s never constant

  It’s not like the voices are constant.  I’ve found that I hear them more often when I am under a lot of stress or there is an event that triggers something from my past.  It’s gone more often than you’d imagine.

 I named my voices so I wouldn’t feel too afraid of them

  My friend’s name is Billy.  I named him Billy from Billy and Mandy.  I’m Mandy, and Billy is just some bozo I bring around because I can make him do things.  Although it’s just a voice in my head, giving him a name to me doesn’t give him power, it gives me power.  Power to tell him to hush when I need him to hush.  The first voice I heard I named Billy.

 When I’ve had enough alcohol, I yell out at them

  I don’t typically like to drink too much alcohol nowadays.  I’ll have a beer or two now, and I’ll try to call it quits.  I’ve noticed that when I do end up drinking more than usual, I tend to yell out that Billy is not happy at all.  I also yell at Billy because he tends to become very overwhelming when I drink.

You can live with them

  I know it sounds scary with that last comment, but it really isn’t difficult to live with them.  Some days are worse than others, but most days are fine.  Throwing on some of my favorite music, and staying busy is what keeps the voices at bay.  I’m still a very functional adult, even with a few extra voices in my head.

Breaking the Stigma

My wife was a very closed person when it came to her mental health.  I asked on several occasions to try and go with her to one of her appointments, but to no avail.  It wasn’t until recently that I’ve been able to attend her sessions at behavioral health.  I’ve gone to a total of 2 different sessions from 2 different doctors, and even then, I noticed a stigma about mental health.

What struggles do you face?

In our last session, I felt as if a lot of the questions had been directed towards me.  Let me clarify that when I say directed, I mean, I was asked questions about myself.  Initially, it was more about how we met and how we were doing.  But the question that struck me most was “what struggles do you face?” 

I didn’t really pay attention to it at first.  I spoke about our distance and how being 3 hours apart is extremely difficult for us, but also the best situation that we’ve ever been in.  If you are unaware, my wife and I have primarily lived apart due to the military.  When I say this is our best situation, it’s better than being a continent apart like we were before.  I brought up my fear of her hurting herself in her sleep (It’s a side effect of her medications.  She’ll have such vivid and emotional dreams that she will occasionally hurt herself by accident while she’s sleeping.)  This is one of my greatest fears when I’m not there because I can’t do anything to help her.  After expressing other similar concerns, he reiterated the question.  “Besides logistical factors, what struggles do you face?”

I didn’t understand the question.  I said that it’s all logistical, which is not what the doctor was looking for.  It had to be broken down to me.  My wife brought up Caregiver Burnout.  He wanted to know what struggles I had since I’m the primary caregiver for my wife, and how I’ve dealt with it.  If you are unfamiliar with the term, Caregiver Burnout is defined by WebMD as “a state of physical, emotional, and mental exhaustion that may be accompanied by a change in attitude -- from positive and caring to negative and unconcerned.”

The negative connotations of mental health

I was really taken back.  Just because my wife has been seeking help for her mental health does not necessarily mean that it impacts us negatively.  I love her.  If my wife recognizes a problem where she needs to seek help, I want to be there and support her through it.  It’s not a burden or troublesome to me.  It’s what I want to do for her.  I want her to heal and I know me being with her through these tough times helps her significantly.  It not only means a lot to her, but it means the world to me.  I want my wife to be happy, and her happiness is what matters most.

And now that my wife has finally opened up to me about her biggest insecurities.  I can see why she has never opened up to me in the past.  Just being asked about my struggles instead of keeping the focus on my wife during her session immediately implies that I will be impacted negatively due to her diagnosis.  It’s such a scary thought.  The term “dealing” had been used as well.  I strongly feel that it is the wrong word to use.  Dealing implies some sort of compromise, a give and take type of scenario.  Well, this isn’t the place for that.  If you really love someone, you shouldn’t have to deal with them to help them.  It should be something that you want to do, selflessly and wholeheartedly.

After I expressed my feelings of love and affection for my wife, the focus went back to her.  I held her hand, wiped her tears (but not the snot), and then comforted her for the remainder of the day.  I was just joking about the snot btw lol.  But now that my second session was complete, what did I learn? 

Well, I learned that my wife fears that she is a burden just because of how the world perceives our situation.  I truly hope she knows that this is not the case.  It really brings to light why it’s so difficult for people to open up to their loved ones.  Not only that, but to seek help.  If people have this belief that the ones closest to them see them as a burden, then why would it be different for a complete stranger, such as a medical specialist, to see them as otherwise? 

This is the type of mentality that has to change.  If you know someone who is experiencing something similar to us, help them. It’s difficult enough opening up about how we feel to someone else, imagine what it’s like trying to express your emotional state.  And if someone does open up to you, know that they trust you with all their being.  Do the best you can for them and though they may not say it, know that you’re making a positive impact on their life.

Have a similar story?  Feel free to share it with us. 

Why Giving Yourself a Pep Talk in the Mirror Every Morning is Helpful

“You’re going to do great things, even if they’re small, they’ll add up to something phenomenal. You’re beautiful in every way. Be kind to others because that’s how you show your heart. You’ve got it. You’re worth it!”

Have you ever heard the phrase “kill them with kindness”? We’re taught to be kind and to respect other people, so why should it be any different talking to yourself with kindness? At a young age, people will start critiquing you and though they may not mean to, they kind of make you hard on yourself. They can make you feel like you aren’t worthy of admiration because you could be doing something better, or you could look differently. The biggest one I’ve struggled with is my body image. From such a young age, my family would comment on how small my butt was, how I was either too fat or too skinny, the acne on my face, etc. In turn, it made me feel like I wasn’t ever going to be good enough and I wasn’t worthy of being called beautiful.

This kind of talk can be countered though. We are so hard on ourselves nowadays, especially as adults. We’re at a time in our life where finding someone to settle down with is key in making the world go round, right? So if you aren’t comfortable and confident about your own skin, how can we shine our lights to everyone else?

Every morning I give myself a pep talk in my head, and sometimes I’ll do it aloud if I really need the motivation. I compliment myself on 3 things: physical, mental, and emotional. I tell myself that I look beautiful today, and say something like, “your hair looks great today!” or “hey your blemishes cleared up!” for my physical aspect. I tell myself that I am intelligent, and say something like, “you’re going to do great at work today!” or “you will get this project done today because you work hard!” And lastly, I tell myself that I am strong, and compliment myself on how I’ve held myself together through it all, and how having these diagnoses aren’t life ending. “You are strong, you are resilient.”

Being a hard critic on yourself can be good for growth, but it doesn’t always have to be that way. You have to give yourself some good lovin’ too. There’s no doubt in my mind that your day will be better off after giving yourself a great pep talk. Trust me.

Love, Jaclyn & Co.